In comedian Sarah Silverman's memoir, The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee, she confesses that she was still wetting her bed at age 19. Depression was a constant companion throughout adolescence, and she took a lot of Xanax. Yet somehow she grew into such a formidable adult that she was able to corral God himself to write the afterword for her book. How did she manage that? "This is so trite," she told Publishers Weekly, "but . . . sex." I predict that a comparable reversal of fortune is ahead for you, Pisces. Some part of your past will be redeemed, quite possibly with the sexy help of a divine ally.

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A bright red cardinal had a confrontation with my picture window. For almost 45 minutes, the bird hammered its beak against the glass. With the help of my good friend and research assistant Google, I determined that the bird had probably mistaken its own reflection for a rival that it was trying to attack.

The event suggests three teachings: 1. If you feel the urge to fight others, you're probably mad about something in yourself. 2. You might want to monitor any tendency you have to get fixated on an image that is at best a distorted representation of a real thing and not the real thing itself. 3. It's best not to hurt yourself or drive yourself crazy in an effort to chase away an illusion.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.