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Horoscopes by Rob Brezsny
♈ ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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Life is a vast and intricate conspiracy designed to keep us well supplied with blessings. What kind of blessings? Palatial homes, attractive lovers, lottery winnings, career success? Maybe. But just as likely: interesting surprises, unexpected challenges, gifts we hardly know what to do with, conundrums that force us to get smarter.
Novelist William Vollman referred to the latter types of blessings when he said that "the most important and enjoyable thing in life is doing something that's a complicated, tricky problem for you that you don't know how to solve."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♉ TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out exactly how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♊ GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence, hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heart—even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♋ CANCERIAN
(June 21-July 22)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter. And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where it’s impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be. That’s why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.
Astrologer Caroline Casey offers an apt metaphor to illustrate how crucial it is for us to hear and read good stories. She notes that if we don’t have enough of the normal, healthy kind of iodine in our bodies, we absorb radioactive iodine, which has entered the food chain through nuclear test explosions conducted in the atmosphere. Similarly, unless we fill ourselves up with stories that invigorate us, we’re more susceptible to sopping up the poisonous, degenerative narratives.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♌ LEO
(July 23-August 22)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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"If you bring forth the genius within you," said Jesus in the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, "it will free you. If you do not bring forth the genius within you, it will destroy you." Is there any aspect of the genius within you that you're not bringing forth? If so, what can you do to change that?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♍ VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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Act as if the universe is a prodigious miracle created for your amusement and illumination. Assume that secret helpers are working behind the scenes to assist you in turning into the gorgeous masterpiece you were born to be. Retrain your senses and intellect so you’re able to perceive the fact that life always gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♎ LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:
a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping.
b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them.
c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.
d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee.
Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♏ SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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When you’re an aspiring master of pronoia, you see the cracks in the facades as opportunities; inspiration erupts as you careen over bumps in the road; you love the enticing magic that flows from situations that other people regard as rough or crooked. "That which is not slightly distorted lacks sensible appeal," wrote poet Charles Baudelaire, "from which it follows that irregularity -- that is to say, the unexpected, surprise and astonishment -- is an essential part and characteristic of beauty."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♐ SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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It's time for the Gratitude Fest. Write thank-you notes to the creatures, both human and otherwise, that have played seminal roles in inspiring you to become yourself. Who have been your guides along the way, both the purposeful teachers and the inadvertent helpers? Who has seen you for who you really are? Who has nudged you in the direction of your fuller destiny and awakened you to your signature truths? Who has loved you very, very well?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♑ CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every
moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day.
Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.
Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs.
Think of the last place on earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there.
Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.
Track down people who are impossible to love, and love them defiantly without expecting anything in return.
Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire.
Fantasize you're the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.
Once a year, say these words into a mirror: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♒ AQUARIUS
(January 20- February 18)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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"I’ve been practicing radical authenticity lately," my friend Brandon told me. "I’m revealing the blunt truth about unmentionable subjects to everyone I know. It’s been pretty hellish -- no one likes having the social masks stripped away -- but it’s been ultimately rewarding."
"I admire your boldness in naming the currents flowing beneath the surface," I replied, "but I’m curious as to why you imply they’re all negative. To practice radical authenticity, shouldn’t you also express the raw truth about what’s right, good, and beautiful? Shouldn’t you unleash the praise and gratitude that normally go unspoken?"
Brandon sneered. He thought my version of radical authenticity was wimpy. I hope you don’t. As a budding lover of life, you have a mandate to be honest in both ways.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
♓ PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.
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A bright red cardinal had a confrontation with my picture window. For almost 45 minutes, the bird hammered its beak against the glass. With the help of my good friend and research assistant Google, I determined that the bird had probably mistaken its own reflection for a rival that it was trying to attack.
The event suggests three teachings: 1. If you feel the urge to fight others, you're probably mad about something in yourself. 2. You might want to monitor any tendency you have to get fixated on an image that is at best a distorted representation of a real thing and not the real thing itself. 3. It's best not to hurt yourself or drive yourself crazy in an effort to chase away an illusion.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
Listen to Rob's Expanded Audio Horoscopes, updated weekly.
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