I am a great admirer of Bart Simpson, a fictional fourth-grade student on the animated TV show The Simpsons. He is a constant source of unruly affirmations that we could all benefit from incorporating into our own behavior when life gets comically weird. Since I think you’re in such a phase now, Gemini, I am offering a batch of Bart-style gems. For best results, use them to free yourself from the drone of the daily routine and scramble your habitual ways of understanding the world. Now here’s Bart: 1. “I will not invent a new religion based on bubble gum.” 2. “I will not sell bottled ‘invisible water.’” 3. “I will not try to hypnotize my friends, and I will not tell co-workers they are holograms.” 4. “I will not claim to be a licensed pyrotechnician.” 5. “I will not use the Pythagorean theorem to summon demons.” 6. “I will not declare war on Thursdays.”

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