In 1904, it wasn't illegal to use performance-enhancing drugs during Olympic competitions. Runner Thomas Hicks took advantage of this in the marathon race. The poison strychnine, which in small doses serves as a stimulant, was one of his boosters. Another was brandy. By the time he approached the finish line, he was hallucinating and stumbling. His trainers carried him the rest of the way, and he was declared the winner. I recommend you make him your inspirational role model in the coming weeks. How might you cheat to gain a great victory? APRIL FOOL! I Lied. While it's true that a meaningful triumph is within your reach, you're most likely to achieve it by acting with total integrity, following the rules, and imbibing no stimulating poisons.

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Would you like to go further in your efforts to understand your beautiful and mysterious life? How far do you dare to go in your quest for self-mastery? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

Science fiction aficionado Wil Wheaton suggests that all of us should have the following: 1. a nemesis; 2. an evil twin; 3. a secret headquarters; 4. an escape hatch; 5. a partner in crime; 6. a secret identity. Dear Taurus, I have doubts that you possess any of these necessities. Please embark on intensive efforts to acquire all of them. Your deadline is April 21. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. There's no way you could add all those things to your repertoire in such a short time. See if you can at least get a secret identity and a partner in crime. It’s time to have wicked fun as you add to your potency and effectiveness.

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Would you like to discover more about the hidden factors and unconscious patterns that are influencing you? Do you want to uncover secrets that maybe you've been concealing even from yourself? If you'd like more help and support in your quest to live your best possible life, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

"I hate being on my best behavior," wrote Gemini author Colleen McCullough. "It brings out the absolute worst in me." In the coming weeks, I hope you avoid the danger she describes. Don't be on your best behavior! Emulate Gemini filmmaker Clint Eastwood, who said, "I tried being reasonable, but I didn't like it." APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here's the real truth: Being kind and generous and reasonable will be your secret weapon in the next three weeks. Doing so will empower you to make interesting and unforeseen progress.

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Do you wish you could get more clarity about the ambiguous situations you're dealing with? Would you like more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? If you'd enjoy receiving further insights and support from me, I invite you to tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

A Tumblr blogger named Alyssa complains, "I'm still peeved that I can't fly or set things on fire with my mind." You might share that feeling, Cancerian. But here's the good news: I predict that you could soon acquire, at least temporarily, the power to fly and set things on fire with your mind. Use these talents wisely, please! APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, you probably won't be able to fly or set things on fire with your mind anytime soon. However, you may acquire other superpowers that are only slightly less fantastic. For example, you could change the mind of an ally who has been ridiculously stubborn. You could uncover a big secret that has been hidden. You could mend a wound you thought would never heal. Any other superpowers you need right now?

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Would you enjoy getting further insights into the intriguing twists and turns of your amazing journey? Are you ready to seek more help from me in solving the riddles that confuse you? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

I suspect that only a Leo would say what Leo filmmaker Stanley Kubrick once asserted: "You know, it's not absolutely true in every case that nobody likes a smart ass." In accordance with astrological omens, I authorize you to prove his assertion. Be the kind of smart ass that people like. APRIL FOOL! I'm half-joking. The truth is, I hope you will be the kind of smart ass that people absolutely adore and get inspired by.

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Could you benefit from getting more help in figuring out the questions life is asking you? Do you crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? You might find it inspiring to tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

In honor of your arrival in the most lyrical and soulful phase of your cycle, I offer you advice from poet Richard Jackson: "The secret is to paint your own numbers on the clock, to brush away those webs that cover the wild country of the soul, to let your star hover between the flowers of the moon and the flowers of the sun, like words you have never spoken yet always hear." APRIL FOOL! I partially lied. I don't think you should paint your own numbers on the clock. But the rest of what Jackson said is totally applicable and useful for you.

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What interesting lessons and helpful revelations is life preparing for you? What can you do to make yourself as receptive as possible to those lessons and revelations? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

"I want excitement," declared Libra novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald, "and I don't care what form it takes or what I pay for it, so long as it makes my heart beat." In the coming weeks, I hope you will make that statement your motto. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. While I do foresee you being able to gather a wealth of excitement, I hope you won't be as extreme as Fitzgerald in your pursuit of it. There will be plenty of opportunities for excitement that won't require you to risk loss or pay an unwelcome price.

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Would you like to understand the current chapter of your life story even further? Do you think it might be fun to dig deeper? Are you interested in exploring mysteries that you have not yet been able to put into words? Tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES.

"If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have a right to make fun of others," said comedian Joan Rivers. I agree! So if you are feeling an irresistible urge to mock people and fling sarcasm in all directions, please prepare by first mocking yourself and being sarcastic toward yourself. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I will never authorize you to make fun of others. Never! In the coming weeks, I hope you'll do the opposite: Dole out massive doses of praise and appreciation toward everyone. To prepare, dole out massive doses of praise and appreciation toward yourself.

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It's quite likely that you have more strength and intelligence than you realize. And I guarantee that you have not yet called on all the help that's available to you. If you'd like some support and encouragement in your efforts to access those untapped resources, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

In the traditional opera performed in China's Sichuan province, magical effects were popular. One trick involved characters making rapid changes of their masks. The art was to remove an existing mask and don a new one with such speed that the audience could not detect it. An old master, Peng Denghuai, once wore 14 different masks in 24 seconds. This is an antic I think you should imitate in the coming days. The more frequently you alter your persona and appearance, the more successful and popular you'll be. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. I recommend that you gleefully experiment with your image and exuberantly vary your self-presentation. But don't overdo it.

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How are you going to change what needs to be changed and accept what needs to be accepted? What can you do to make sure that you are giving your best energy to your top priorities? If you'd like further support from me, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

A nutritionist named Mark Haub decided to try losing weight by eating only sugary treats. For 10 weeks, he snacked on junk food cakes, cookies, and sweet cereals. By the end, he had lost 27 pounds. In accordance with astrological omens, I suggest you try the metaphorical equivalents of this project. For instance, work on deepening your relationships by engaging your allies in shallow conversations about trivial subjects. Or see if you can enhance your physical fitness by confining your exercise to crossing and uncrossing your legs as you sit on the couch watching TV. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here's your real horoscope: For the next four weeks, take better care of your body and your relationships than you ever have before in your life. Make it a point to educate yourself about what that would entail, and be devoted in providing the most profound nurturing you can imagine.

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Sometimes it's a challenge to try to figure out what's important and what's not important. Sometimes you need a bit of extra help as you try to understand how your problems might be opportunities in disguise. If you'd like more of my input, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

Aquarius-born Giordano Bruno (1548–1600) was bravely heretical in his work as a philosopher, poet, mathematician, and friar. He angered the Catholic Church with his unorthodox views about Jesus and Mary, as well as his belief in reincarnation, his practice of occult magic, and his views that there are other stars besides our sun. Eventually, the authorities burned him at the stake for his transgressive ideas. Beware of a similar outcome for expressing your unusual qualities! APRIL FOOL! Luckily, no punishment will result if you express the rich fullness of your idiosyncrasies in the coming weeks. I'm happy about that, since I'm encouraging you to be as eccentrically yourself as you want to be.

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Could you use some help in clarifying your goals and nurturing your dreams? Is there anything you could do to enjoy your life even more and be even more confident that you're making the best possible decisions? I may be able to offer you further support with my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

Life is too complicated to accurately comprehend. There's too much to know! It's impossible to make truly savvy and rational decisions. Maybe the best strategy is to flip a coin or throw the dice or draw a Tarot card before doing anything. APRIL FOOL! While it's a fact that life is too complex for our conscious minds to fully master, we have massive resources available on subconscious and superconscious levels: our deep soul and our higher self. Now is an excellent time to enhance your access to these mother lodes of intelligence.

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Would you like more clues? Are you in quest of even deeper insight? I provide further questions and loving suggestions about your unfolding destiny in my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.