Welcome to Swami Moonflower's Psychic Hygiene Hints. Ready for some mystical cleansing? Hint #1: To remove stains on your attitude, use a blend of Chardonnay wine, tears from a cathartic crying session, and dew collected before dawn. Hint #2: To eliminate glitches in your love life, polish your erogenous zones with pomegranate juice while you visualize the goddess kissing your cheek. #3: To get rid of splotches on your halo, place angel food cake on your head for two minutes, then bury the cake in holy ground while chanting, "It's not my fault! My evil twin's a jerk!" #4: To banish the imaginary monkey on your back, whip your shoulders with a long silk ribbon until the monkey runs away. #5: To purge negative money karma, burn a dollar bill in the flame of a green candle.

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What fresh blessings will life bring you? What questions should you be asking? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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The greatest gift you can give might be the gift that you yourself were never given. Give that gift.

The most valuable service you have to offer your fellow humans may be the service you have always wished were performed for you. Offer that service.

An experience that wounded you could move you to help people who've been similarly wounded. Heal yourself by healing others.

A reader named Kameel Hawa writes that he "prefers pleasure to leisure and leisure to luxury." That list of priorities would be excellent for you to adopt during the coming weeks. My analysis of the astrological omens suggests that you will be the recipient of extra amounts of permission, relief, approval, and ease. I won't be surprised if you come into possession of a fresh X-factor or wild card. In my opinion, to seek luxury would be a banal waste of such precious blessings. You'll get more health-giving benefits that will last longer if you cultivate simple enjoyments and restorative tranquility.

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Want to explore this chapter of your life story even further? Dig deeper? Push harder? Consider tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Even if you don't call yourself an artist, you have the potential to be a dynamic creator who is always hatching new plans, coming up with fresh ideas, and shifting your approach to everything you do as you adjust to life's ceaseless invitation to change.

It's to this part of you—the restless, inventive spirit—that I address the following: Unleash yourself! Don't be satisfied with the world the way it is; don't sit back passively and blankly complain about the dead weight of the mediocre status quo.

Instead, call on your curiosity and charisma and expressiveness and lust for life as you tinker with and rebuild everything you see so that it's in greater harmony with the laws of love and more hospitable to your soul's code.

The coming weeks will be an excellent time to cruise past the houses where you grew up, the schools you used to attend, the hotspots where you and your old friends hung out, and the places where you first worked and had sex. In fact, I recommend a grand tour of your past. If you can't literally visit the locations where you came of age, simply visualize them in detail. In your imagination, take a leisurely excursion through your life story. Why do I advise this exercise? Because you can help activate your future potentials by reconnecting with your roots.

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You're got more strength and intelligence than you realize. For help in accessing those untapped inner resources, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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"I've been practicing radical authenticity lately," my friend Brandon told me. "I'm revealing the blunt truth about unmentionable subjects to everyone I know. It's been pretty hellish -- no one likes having the social masks stripped away -- but it's been ultimately rewarding."

"I admire your boldness in naming the currents flowing beneath the surface," I replied, "but I'm curious as to why you imply they're all negative. To practice radical authenticity, shouldn't you also express the raw truth about what's right, good, and beautiful? Shouldn't you unleash the praise and gratitude that normally go unspoken?"

One of my favorite Cancerian artists is Penny Arcade, a New York performance artist, actress, and playwright. In this horoscope, I offer a testimonial in which she articulates the spirit you'd be wise to cultivate in the coming weeks. She says, "I am the person I know best, inside out, the one who best understands my motivations, my struggles, my triumphs. Despite occasionally betraying my best interests to keep the peace, to achieve goals, or for the sake of beloved friendships, I astound myself by my appetite for life, my unwavering curiosity into the human condition, my distrust of the status quo, my poetic soul and abiding love of beauty, my strength of character in the face of unfairness, and my optimism despite defeats and loss."

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How are you going to change what needs to be changed and accept what needs to be accepted? To get some support from me, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Here are three of our deepest spiritual aspirations, which we invite you to steal for your own use:

1. to develop the capacity to thrive in the midst of raging contradictions;

2. to be discerning as we protect ourselves from people's flaws while at the same time being generous as we celebrate their beauty;

3. to refrain from dividing the world into two groups, those who help and agree with us and those who don't.

The Witwatersrand is a series of cliffs in South Africa. It encompasses 217 square miles. From this area, which is a tiny fraction of the Earth's total land surface, humans have extracted 50 percent of all the gold ever mined. I regard this fact as an apt metaphor for you to meditate on in the next 12 months, Leo. If you're alert, you will find your soul's equivalent of Witwatersrand. What I mean is that you'll have a golden opportunity to discover emotional and spiritual riches that will nurture your soul as it has rarely been nurtured.

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Sometimes it's a challenge to try to figure out what's important and what's not important. If you'd like more of my input, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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"True life is lived when tiny changes occur," said Leo Tolstoy. I agree. It's rare for us to undergo rapid, dramatic transformations in short periods of time. That's why it's delusional to be forever pining for some big magic intervention that will fix everything. The best way to alter our course is slowly and gradually, by conscientiously revamping our responses to the small daily details.

What I wish for you is a toasty coolness. I pray that you will claim a messy gift. I want you to experience an empowering surrender and a calming climax. I very much hope, Virgo, that you will finally see an obvious secret and capitalize on some unruly wisdom and take an epic trip to an intimate turning point. I trust that you'll find a barrier that draws people together instead of keeping them apart. These wonders may sound paradoxical, and yet they're quite possible and exactly what you need.

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How well is your imagination working these days? Could it use a boost? A prod? A jolt of inspiration? Try tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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"Nothing's going right in my life. I feel anxious and paranoid all the time. My relationships are a mess. Plus the whole world's going to hell!"

In my line of work, people make confessions like that to me.

My first response is usually something like this: "Do you habitually gobble junk food near bedtime, steal a paltry five hours of sleep per night, gulp two cups of coffee and no breakfast in the morning, then bolt to a workplace where you get no sunlight or exercise and sit in an uncomfortable chair?"

They often reply, "You must be psychic! How did you know?!"

My point is that many psychological troubles stem from our chronic failure to take good care of our physical needs.

Can you think of three things you can do to promote pronoia in yourself by taking better care of your body?

Psychologist James Hansell stated his opinion of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud: "He was wrong about so many things. But he was wrong in such interesting ways. He pioneered a whole new way of looking at things." That description should provide good raw material for you to consider as you play with your approach to life in the coming weeks, Libra. Being right won't be half as important as being willing to gaze at the world from upside-down, inside-out perspectives. So I urge you to put the emphasis on formulating experimental hypotheses, not on proving definitive theories. Be willing to ask naive questions and make educated guesses and escape your own certainties.

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Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your unfolding destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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In her book Women Who Run with the Wolves, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes suggests that we all need to periodically go cheerfully and enthusiastically out of our minds. Make sure, she says, that at least one part of you always remains untamed, uncategorizable, and unsubjugated by routine. Be adamant in your determination to stay intimately connected to all that's inexplicable and mysterious about your life.

At the same time, though, Estés believes you need to keep your unusual urges clear and ordered. Discipline your wildness, in other words, and don't let it degenerate into careless disorder.

You're entering a phase of your astrological cycle when you'll be likely to receive gifts at a higher rate than usual. Some gifts could be big, complex, and catalytic, though others may be subtle, cryptic, or even covert. While some may be useful, others could be problematic. So I want to make sure you know how important it is to be discerning about these offerings. You probably shouldn't blindly accept all of them. For instance, don't rashly accept a "blessing" that would indebt or obligate you to someone in ways that feel uncomfortable.

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How much do you want to know about your life? How far do you dare to go in your quest for self-mastery? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Even now, secret allies are cooking up mysteries that will excite you and incite you for years to come.

Even now, the Earth, moon, and sun are collaborating to make sure you have all you need to make your next smart move.

But here's the loaded question: Are you willing to start loving life back with an equal intensity? The adoration it offers you has not exactly been unrequited, but there is room for you to be more demonstrative.

Half of the art of pronoia is about being improvisationally receptive to life's elaborate scheme to shower you with blessings. The other half is about learning to be a co-conspirator who assists life in doling out blessings—to help everyone else get exactly what they need, exactly when they need it.

Visualize yourself being able to recognize the raw truth about the people you care about. Imagine that you can see how they already embody the beauty their souls' codes have promised as well as how they still fall short of embodying that beauty.

Picture yourself being able to make them feel appreciated even as you inspire them to risk changes that will activate more of their souls' codes.

P.S. All of creation loves you very much.

You are currently under the influence of astrological conditions that have led to dramatic boosts of self-esteem in laboratory rats. To test the theory that this experimental evidence can be applied to humans, I authorize you to act like a charismatic egomaniac in the coming weeks. JUST KIDDNG! I lied about the lab rats. And I lied about you having the authorization to act like an egomaniac. But here are the true facts: The astrological omens suggest you can and should be a lyrical swaggerer and a sensitive swashbuckler.

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Would you like to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Do you want to uncover the secrets you've been hiding even from yourself? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Think about your relationship to human beings who haven't been born yet. What might you create for them to use? How can you make your life a gift to the future? Can you not only help preserve the wonders we live amidst, but actually enhance them? Keep in mind this thought from Lewis Carroll: "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward."

I invite you to eliminate all of the following activities from your repertoire in the next three weeks: squabbling, hassling, feuding, confronting, scuffling, skirmishing, sparring, and brawling. Why is this my main message to you? Because the astrological omens tell me that everything important you need to accomplish will come from waging an intense crusade of peace, love, and understanding. The bickering and grappling stuff won't help you achieve success even a little -- and would probably undermine it.

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Do you wish you could get more clarity about the foggy, ambiguous situations you're dealing with? Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Here's a motto worth trying: "I refuse to dehumanize anyone, even those who dehumanize me." Aside from the ripples of delight that might send through the collective unconscious, it provides a great selfish benefit. Feeling even low levels of contempt and disdain tends to shut down your intuition, so if you instead practice being tolerant of people who are intolerant of you, you just may find yourself getting smarter.

Stockbrokers in Pakistan grew desperate when the Karachi Stock Exchange went into a tailspin. In an effort to reverse the negative trend, they performed a ritual sacrifice of ten goats in a parking lot. But their "magic" failed. Stocks continued to fade. Much later they recovered, but not in a timely manner that would suggest the sacrifice worked. I urge you to avoid their approach to fixing problems, especially now. Reliance on superstition and wishful thinking is guaranteed to keep you stuck. On the other hand, I'm happy to inform you that the coming weeks will be a highly favorable time to use disciplined research and rigorous logic to solve dilemmas.

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Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Would you like help in solving the riddles that confuse you? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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"I am a devout atheist," writes Tom of Ohio, "but I have to explain to my atheist friends that I do pray to the 'GodIdontbelievein.'

"My first direct contact with this Divinity arrived when I was coming out of anesthesia after surgery. I was somehow aware of my existence but totally sensory-deprived. As I emerged from total unconsciousness, a tiny flickering Tinkerbell-like creature in the form of a shimmering globe of light fluttered into my consciousness and hovered irresistibly before my internal eyes. I was in love with it and it loved me.

"In fact it was me, or at least the manifestation of cosmic energy that settles in me and is my being. It gave me a blessing of good will, then went about its business of operating my body. In parting, it gave me the assurance that it would always be there for me and with me, and would join me after it shut the body down for the last time.

"Since that first encounter, I commune with the little sparkling wonder every so often. I thank it for its presence and it thanks me for mine, though we are actually one and the same. I find myself praying to it, though there's really no need to—it knows me better than I do, and guides me toward my goals, though I know not what they are."

In the coming days, maybe you could work some lines from the Biblical "Song of Solomon" into your intimate exchanges. The moment is ripe for such extravagance. Can you imagine saying things like, "Your lips are honey," or "You are a fountain in the garden, a well of living waters"? In my opinion, it wouldn't even be too extreme for you to murmur, "May I find the scent of your breath like apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my caresses." If those sentiments seem too flowery, you could pluck gems from Pablo Neruda's love sonnets. How about this one: "I want to do with you what spring does to the cherry trees." Here's another: "I hunger for your sleek laugh and your hands the color of a furious harvest. I want to eat the sunbeams flaring in your beauty."

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Need more help in figuring out the questions life is asking you? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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The Greek god Dionysus did not, in fact, encourage people to get sloppy drunk, lose control, and do stupid things. His preference was that they free themselves from their inhibitions by imbibing moderate amounts of alcohol. With this medicinal spur, they might get unstuck from their worn-out old behavior patterns and invite refreshing doses of wildness into their lives. Healing was the intention, not craziness and frenzy.

It is true that if someone was not willing to escape their rigidity -- if they clung to their hidebound attitudes and refused to open up to the call of self-transformation -- Dionysus might lure them into reckless inebriation.