Over the years I've read numerous news reports about people who have engaged in intimate relations with clunky inanimate objects. One had sex with a bicycle. Another seduced a sidewalk, and a third tried to make sweet love to a picnic table. I hope you won't join their ranks in the coming weeks. Your longing is likely to be extra intense, innovative, and even exotic, but I trust you will confine its expression to unions with adult human beings who know what they're getting into and who have consented to play. Here's an old English word you might want to add to your vocabulary: "blissom." It means "to bleat with sexual desire."

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