The dragon that stole your treasure will return it. Tulips and snapdragons will blossom in a field you thought was a wasteland. Gargoyles from the abyss will crawl into view, but then meekly lick your hand and reveal secrets you can really use. The dour troll that guards the bridge to the Next Big Thing will let you pass even though you don't have the password. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just described is only metaphorically true, not literally.

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"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show." So begins Charles Dickens' novel David Copperfield. I'd like to inspire you to write a story of your own that begins like that. For help, tune into your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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All I ask of you: Be my slow-motion dance. Be my birthday earthquake. Be my spiral marble staircase in the middle of a Vermont meadow. Be my handstand on a barstool, my whirlwind week in clown school, my joke shared with a Siberian shaman while shopping for T-shirts at Sears. Be my last because . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.