"A good story should make you laugh, and a moment later break your heart," wrote Chuck Palahniuk in his book Stranger Than Fiction. From what I can tell, Aries, the sequence is the reverse for you. In your story, the disruption has already happened. Next comes the part where you laugh. It may be a sardonic chuckle at first, as you become aware of the illusions you had been under before the jolt exposed them. Eventually I expect you will be giggling and gleeful, eternally grateful for the tricky luck that freed you to pursue a more complete version of your fondest dream.

How's your fight for freedom going? Are you making progress in liberating yourself from your unconscious obsessions, bad habits, and conditioned responses? For assistance and inspiration, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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My old philosophy professor Norman O. Brown would periodically interrupt his lectures, tilt his head upward as if tuning in to the whisper of some heavenly voice, and announce in a puckish tone, "It's time for your irregular reminder: We're already living after the end of the world. No need to fret anymore."

The implication was that the worst had already happened. We had lost much of the cultural riches that had given humans meaning for centuries. All that was going to be taken from us had already been taken.

On the bright side, that meant we were utterly free to reinvent ourselves. Living amidst the emptiness, we had nowhere to go but up. What remained was alienating, but it was also fresh.

Working from the hypothesis that you're living after the end of the world, what are you free to do that you weren't able to do before? Who are you free to be?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Taurus musician David Byrne was asked by an interviewer to compose a seven-word autobiography. In response, he came up with ten words: "unfinished, unprocessed, uncertain, unknown, unadorned, underarms, underpants, unfrozen, unsettled, unfussy." The coming days would be an excellent time for you to carry out similar assignments. I'd love to see you express the essential truth about yourself in bold and playful ways. I will also be happy if you make it clear that even though you're a work-in-progress, you have a succinct understanding of what you need and who you are becoming.

Assume that your drive to experience pleasure isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day. For inspiration in practicing this approach, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Many people sincerely think that they will be called before God to account for themselves on Judgment Day. If you yourself have held that belief, you can stop worrying about it. The fact is, according to a survey of over 800 dissident bodhisattvas, urban witch doctors, sacred agents, and undercover geniuses, that you are called before "God" on Judgment Day on a regular basis.

Since you still exist, you have apparently passed every test so far. "God" obviously keeps finding you worthy. You shouldn't get overconfident, of course. But maybe from now on you can assume that although there may be a world of pressure on you, that pressure is natural, merciful, and exactly what you need.

Try this experiment: For seven days, see what it feels like to be secure in your knowledge that you have passed the tests of Judgment Day many, many times.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The French word sillage means "wake," like the trail created behind a boat as it zips through water. In English, it refers to the fragrance that remains in the air after a person wearing perfume or cologne passes by. For our purposes, we will expand the definition to include any influences and impressions left behind by a powerful presence who has exited the scene. In my astrological opinion, Gemini, sillage is a key theme for you to monitor in the coming days. Be alert for it. Study it. It will be a source of information that helps you make good decisions.

"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show." So begins Charles Dickens' novel David Copperfield. I'd like to inspire you to write a story of your own that begins like that. For help, tune into your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Writing on Salon.com, Scott Rosenberg recalled how in his youth he loved to play the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons. "You'd have to choose not one but two 'alignments' for your character," he mused. "Good and evil, of course, but also 'law' and 'chaos.' And among the people I ran with, 'chaotic/good' was the thing to be, because it let you trust other people and still have fun."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Cataglottism" is a rarely used English word that has the same meaning as French kissing -- engaging in liberal use of the tongue as you make out. But I don't recommend that you incorporate such an inelegant, guttural term into your vocabulary. Imagine yourself thinking, while in the midst of French kissing, that what you're doing is "cataglottism." Your pleasure would probably be diminished. This truth applies in a broader sense, too. The language you use to frame your experience has a dramatic impact on how it all unfolds. The coming week will be an excellent time to experiment with this principle. See if you can increase your levels of joy and grace by describing what's happening to you with beautiful and positive words.

I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world? For inspiration in this noble effort, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The water you drink is three billion years old, give or take five million years. The stuff your body is made of is at least 10 billion years old, probably older, and has been as far away as 100,000 light-years from where it is right now. The air you breathe has, in the course of its travels, been literally everywhere on the planet, and has slipped in and out of the lungs of almost every human being who has ever lived.

Would you act differently if you had a visceral sense of how eternal and infinite you are? What unprecedented behavior might you express? Visualize a waking dream in which you remember the water you floated in three billion years ago. Imagine you can see the light that shone on you 100,000 light-years ago.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

This is Correct Your First Impressions Week. It's a perfect time for you to re-evaluate any of your beliefs that are based on mistaken facts or superficial perceptions. Are you open to the possibility that you might have jumped to unwarranted conclusions? Are you willing to question certainties that hardened in you after just a brief exposure to complicated processes? During Correct Your First Impressions Week, humble examination of your fixed prejudices is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. P.S. This is a good time to re-connect with a person you have unjustly judged as unworthy of you.

All of creation loves you very much. Even now, people you know and people you don't know are collaborating to make sure you have all you need to make your next smart move. But are you willing to start loving life back with an equal intensity? The adoration it offers you has not exactly been unrequited, but there is room for you to be more demonstrative. For help in cultivating this approach, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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"If everything seems under control," said auto racer Mario Andretti, "you're probably not moving fast enough." I second that emotion. It applies to the entire human race, which is swirling through evolutionary tipping points at an accelerating speed. But it's doubly apropos for you spiritual freedom fighters and renegade bodhisattvas, because you're the vanguard shock troops fighting to merge heaven with earth.

For your edification and amusement, we will add three corollaries to Andretti's wisdom: 1. If you're not pretty much always half-confused, most likely you're not thinking deeply enough. 2. If you're not feeling forever amazed, maybe you're not seeing wildly enough. 3. The truth is fluid, slippery, vagrant, scrambled, promiscuous, kaleidoscopic, and outrageously abundant.

How might you go about using these tricks to marinate yourself in a gentle state of ecstasy pretty much all the time?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

This is a good time to free yourself from a curse that an immature soul placed on you once upon a time. I'm not talking about a literal spell cast by a master of the dark arts. Rather, I'm referring to an abusive accusation that was heaped on you, perhaps inadvertently, by a careless person whose own pain made them stupid. As I evaluate the astrological omens, I conclude that you now have the power to dissolve this curse all by yourself. You don't need a wizard or a witch to handle it for you. Follow your intuition for clues on how to proceed. Here's a suggestion to stimulate your imagination: Visualize the curse as a dark purple rose. See yourself hurling it into a vat of molten gold.

What is the obvious secret you can't quite see? How could you turn your challenges into daily gifts for yourself? For clues to mysteries like these, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Answer, from a reader named Jason R.: "I was like a mole in a suburban backyard. I had just one little path I trod each day: to the compost pile and back. I chewed on orange rinds and leftover cabbage. I was tamed by the comfort of my familiar environment, content to have a narrow vision. But then I was eaten by a hawk, and became part of a wild, free body. Now I perch on the tops of trees and the peaks of roofs. I survey giddy-wide horizons, from the river to the mesa and far beyond. I have a wealth of choices. Where to fly? What to hunt? Who are my allies? My thoughts breathe deep, like the slow explosion of sun on the morning lake."

How would you answer the same question?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The current chapter of your life story may not be quite as epic as I think it is, so my advice may sound melodramatic. Still, what I'm going to tell you is something we all need to hear from time to time. And I'm pretty sure this is one of those moments for you. It comes from writer Charles Bukowski: "Nobody can save you but yourself. You will be put again and again into nearly impossible situations. They will attempt again and again through subterfuge, guise, and force to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly inside. But don't, don't, don't. It's a war not easily won, but if anything is worth winning then this is it. Nobody can save you but yourself, and you're worth saving."

Grace emerges in the ebb and flow, not just the flow. The waning reveals a different blessing than the waxing. Where are you in the great cycle of your life? For inspiration in figuring it all out, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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"If you bring forth the genius within you," said Jesus in the gnostic Gospel of Thomas, "it will free you. If you do not bring forth the genius within you, it will destroy you."

Is there any aspect of the genius within you that you're not bringing forth? If so, how can you fix that?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The cosmos hereby grants you poetic license to be brazen in your craving for the best and brightest experiences . . . to be uninhibited in feeding your obsessions and making them work for you . . . to be shameless as you pursue exactly and only what you really, really want more than anything else. This is a limited time offer, although it may be extended if you pounce eagerly and take full advantage. For best results, suspend your pursuit of trivial wishes and purge yourself of your bitchy complaints about life.

Whether it's your time to ferment in the shadows or sing in the sun, fresh power to transform yourself is on the way. Life always delivers the creative energy you need to change into the new thing you must become. For more help in understanding it all, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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I've written astrological oracles for much of my adult life. An early prototype of my work hatched in my previous incarnation as an 11th-century monastic scribe who made illuminated manuscripts. During my off-hours, I dabbled with planetary divination and created a parchment newsletter that got passed around the monastery.

In a later lifetime as a 16th-century Florentine alchemist, I further refined the form. The invention of the printing press meant my oracles could be seen by a larger audience, and as a result I got more feedback, which in turn helped me improve my service. The horoscopes I create today, then, have been in the making for a thousand years.

What about you? Is there anything you've been working on for many centuries? If your memory of your previous incarnations is fuzzy, make up a good story.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

At the last minute, Elsa Oliver impulsively canceled her vacation to New York. She had a hunch that something exciting would happen if instead she stayed at her home in England. A few hours later, she got a message inviting her to be a contestant on the UK television show Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? In the days and weeks that followed, she won the equivalent of $100,000. I'm not predicting anything quite as dramatic for you, Sagittarius. But I do suspect that good luck is lurking in unexpected places, and to gather it in you may have to trust your intuition, stay alert for late-breaking shifts in fate, and be willing to alter your plans.

You can learn to be lucky. It's not a mystical force you're born with, but a habit you can develop. How? For starters, be open to new experiences, trust your gut wisdom, expect good fortune, see the bright side of challenging events, and master the art of maximizing serendipitous opportunities. For more help, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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In his book Cosmos and Psyche, Richard Tarnas says the planets don't emit invisible forces that shape our destinies as if we were puppets. Rather, they are symbols of the unfolding evolutionary pattern. Just as clocks tell time but don't create it, the heavenly bodies show us the big picture but don't cause it.

Quoting Greek philosopher Plotinus, Tarnas writes, "The stars are like letters that inscribe themselves at every moment in the sky. Everything in the world is full of signs. All events are coordinated. All things depend on each other. Everything breathes together."

So it's not just the distant globes whose movements and relationships serve as divinatory clues. If you're sufficiently attuned to the gestalt of creation and pay close enough attention to its unfolding details, you can read the current mood of the universe in the arrangement of red onions in the grocery store bin or the fluttering of sunlight and shadow on the mimosa tree or the scatter of soap suds in your sink after you've finished washing the dishes.

Can you do it? Discern the signature of creation at this or any other perfect moment? Peer into the secret heart of the collective unconscious? Guess what the Goddess is thinking? Hint: You will have to switch on a dormant capacity, transforming your imagination from a mere fantasy-generator into an organ of perception.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"The only thing standing between you and your goal," writes American author Jordan Belfort, "is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it." I don't entirely agree with that idea. There may be other obstacles over which you have little control. But the bullshit story is often more than half the problem. So that's the bad news, Capricorn. The good news is that right now is a magic moment in your destiny when you have more power than usual to free yourself of your own personal bullshit story.

Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbors a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things? For inspiration, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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"When you die," says the Koran, "God will call upon you to account for all the permitted pleasures you did not enjoy while on earth." The Talmud offers a similar idea: "A person will be called upon to account, on Judgment Day, for all the permitted pleasures he might have enjoyed but did not." Are there any such pleasures in your life?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Is the truth a clear, bright, shiny treasure, like a big diamond glittering in the sunlight? Does it have an objective existence that's independent of our feelings about it? Or is the truth a fuzzy, convoluted thing that resembles a stream of smoke snaking through an underground cavern? Does it have a different meaning for every mind that seeks to grasp it? The answer, of course, is: both. Sometimes the truth is a glittering diamond and at other times it's a stream of smoke. But for you right now, Aquarius, the truth is the latter. You must have a high tolerance for ambiguity as you cultivate your relationship with it. It's more likely to reveal its secrets if you maintain a flexible and cagey frame of mind.

When they say "Be yourself," which self do they mean? Certainly not the self that wants to win every game and use up every resource and stand alone at the end of time on a mountain of pretty garbage. So which self is it? For guidance, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The information you seek is available in the library of forbidden knowledge, the damp autumnal loam you dreamed you were buried in, and the song you learned before you were born. When you find that information, you will be able to answer this question: What are the three miracles that are most likely to happen to you?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

It's a good time to indulge in wide-open, high-flying, anything-goes fantasies about love -- IF, that is . . . IF you also do something practical to help those fantasies come true. So I encourage you to dream about revolutionizing your relationship with romance and intimacy -- as long as you also make specific adjustments in your own attitudes and behavior that will make the revolution more likely. Two more tips: 1. Free yourself from dogmatic beliefs you might have about love's possibilities. 2. Work to increase your capacity for lusty trust and trusty lust.

Take inventory of the extent that "No" dominates your life. Notice how often you say or think: 1. "That's not right." 2. "I don't like that." 3. "I don't agree with that." 4. "They don't like me." 5. "I'm not very good." 6. "That should be different from what it is." For help in retraining yourself to say "Yes!" at least 51% of the time, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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One of my favorite memories is gazing into my daughter Zoe's face just moments after her complicated birth. She had been through a heroic ordeal that scared the hell out of me, and yet she looked calm, beatific, and amused.

"She's part-Buddha and part-elf," I thought to myself as I held her in my arms. Gazing back at me, her shiny face blended two states I had never before witnessed together in anyone, let alone in an infant: elegant compassion and playful serenity. This revelation imprinted me like a blood oath and has informed my life and my work ever since.

Do you have a comparable memory? A time when a key to your destiny was suddenly laid bare? A turning point when you got a gift that has fueled your quest for years? Revisit that breakthrough. Then ask life for another one.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.