Ten percent of all sexually suggestive text messages are delivered to the wrong number. Take precautions to make sure you're not among that ten percent in the coming weeks. It will be extra important for you to be scrupulous in communicating about eros and intimacy. The stakes will be higher than usual. Togetherness is likely to either become more intensely interesting or else more intensely confusing -- and it's largely up to you which direction it goes. For best results, express yourself clearly and with maximum integrity.

Do you wish you could get more clarity about the foggy, ambiguous situations you're dealing with? Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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"Objection, evasion, joyous distrust, and love of irony are signs of health. Everything absolute belongs to pathology." So proclaimed Friedrich Nietzsche in Beyond Good and Evil. Note well that he used the adjective "joyous" to describe distrust, not "cynical" or "grumbling" or "sour." The key to remaining vital and strong while questioning every so-called absolute is to cultivate a cheerful, buoyant mood as you do it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

If it were within my power, I'd help you identify the new feelings you have not yet been able to understand. I would infuse you with the strength you would need to shed the worn-out delusions that are obstructing your connection to far more interesting truths. And I would free you from any compulsion you have to live up to expectations that are not in alignment with your highest ideals. Alas, I can't make any of these things happen all by myself. So I hope you will rise to the occasion and perform these heroic feats under your own power.

Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Would you like help in solving the riddles that confuse you? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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You know about the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who discovered the conditioned reflex. In his famous experiment, he trained laboratory dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell.

You may not have heard, though, about the story's surprise ending. The dogs were programmed for weeks with such rigor that their behavior became as predictable as machines. Then one day a flood inundated the lab. In the confusion, the dogs forgot all their training instantly. (Source: Raoul Vaneigem, The Revolution of Everyday Life)
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Dutch graphic artist M.C. Escher (1898-1972) was a Gemini. He liked to depict seemingly impossible structures, like stairways in which people who climbed to the top arrived at the bottom. I nominate him to be your patron saint in the coming week. You should have his talent for playing with tricks and riddles in ways that mess with everyone's boring certainties. Here are four Escher quotes you can feel free to use as your own. 1. "Are you really sure that a floor can’t also be a ceiling?" 2. "My work is a game, a very serious game." 3. "I think it's in my basement; let me go upstairs and check." 4. "Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible."

Need more help in figuring out the questions life is asking you? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Imagine that the whole world belongs to you. The birch trees in New Hampshire's White Mountains are yours, and so are the cirrus clouds in the western sky at dusk and the black sand on the beaches of Hawaii's Big Island. You own everything, my dear sovereign -- the paintings in all the museums of the world, as well as the Internet and the wild horses and the eight-lane highways.

Please take good care of it all, OK? Be an enlightened monarch who treats your domain with reverent responsibility. And make sure you also enjoy the full measure of fun that comes with such mastery. Glide through life as if all of creation is yearning to honor and entertain you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The Venus flytrap is a remarkable plant that gobbles up insects and spiders. Its leaves do the dirty work, snapping shut around its unsuspecting prey. Evolution has made sure that the flowers of the Venus flytrap sit atop a high stalk at a safe distance from where all the eating takes place. This guarantees that pollinators visiting the flowers don't get snagged by the carnivorous leaves below. So the plant gets both of its main needs met: a regular supply of food and the power to disseminate its seeds. I'll ask you to derive a lesson from all this, Cancerian. Be sure that in your eagerness to get the energy you need, you don't interfere with your ability to spread your influence and connect with your allies.

What fresh blessings will life bring you? What questions should you be asking? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Even if you don't call yourself an artist, you have the potential to be a dynamic creator who is always hatching new plans, coming up with fresh ideas, and shifting your approach to everything you do as you adjust to life's ceaseless invitation to change.

It's to this part of you -- the restless, inventive spirit -- that I address the following: Unleash yourself! Don't be satisfied with the world the way it is; don't sit back passively and blankly complain about the dead weight of the mediocre status quo. Instead, call on your curiosity and charisma and expressiveness and lust for life as you tinker with and rebuild everything you see so that it's in greater harmony with the laws of love and more hospitable to your soul's code.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

A sinuous and shimmering archetype that begins with the letter "s" has been trying to catch your attention, Leo -- sometimes in subliminal and serpentine ways. Why haven't you fully tuned in yet? Could it be because you're getting distracted by mildly entertaining but ultimately irrelevant trivia? I'm hoping to shock you out of your erroneous focus. Here's the magic trigger code that should do the trick: Psssssssssst! Now please do what you can to make yourself very receptive to the slippery, spidery signals of the simmeringly sublime surge.

Want to explore this chapter of your life story even further? Dig deeper? Push harder? Consider tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES.

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The ancient Greek word klimax had several meanings. Here's the Beauty and Truth Lab's favorite definition: a ladder to heaven by which a dreamer's soul ascends to have an erotic tryst with a divine being who imparts fascinating secrets. Before you go to bed on the next five nights, tell your subconscious mind that you want to get yourself a klimax like that.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Don't burn down a bridge you haven't finished building yet. OK, Virgo? Don't try to "steal" things that already belong to you, either. And resist the urge to flee from creatures that are not even pursuing you. Catch my drift? Stop yourself anytime you're about to say nasty things about yourself behind your own back, and avoid criticizing people for expressing flaws that you yourself have, and don't go to extraordinary lengths to impress people you don't even like or respect. Pretty please? This is a phase of your astrological cycle when you should put an emphasis on keeping things simple and solid and stable.

You're got more strength and intelligence than you realize. For help in accessing those untapped inner resources, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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In the Beauty and Truth Lab parlance, "Uber-Fun" (always capitalized) refers to righteous delight that inspires you to shed limiting beliefs, thereby making you trickier, smarter, kinder, and wilder. Go out and have some Uber-Fun.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Hello Dear Sir: I would like to place a large order for yellow chicken curry, cherry cream cheese cupcakes, and sour, malty Belgian golden ale. It's for my birthday party this Saturday, and will need to serve exactly 152 people. My agent will pick it up at 11 a.m. Please have it ready on time. - Ms. Lori Chandra." Dear Ms. Chandra: I am an astrologer, not a caterer, so I'm afraid I can't fulfill your order. It's admirable that you know so precisely what you want and are so authoritative about trying to get it; but please remember how crucial it is to seek the fulfillment of your desires from a source that can actually fulfill them. You're a Libra, right? Your birthday is this week? Thanks for giving me an excuse to send this timely message to all of your fellow Libras.

How are you going to change what needs to be changed and accept what needs to be accepted? To get some support from me, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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ARGUMENTS WITH GOD is the only organization on the planet that specializes in the art of debating with the Creator. Our trained Prayer Warriors are standing by, ready to deliver the protests and complaints that you want to convey. Send your mad, rebellious, poignant appeals to uaregod@comcast.net, and we will relay them directly to the Cosmic Trickster with persuasive eloquence. Write your first draft.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Here comes the big reveal of the month; the trick ending of the year; and maybe the most unusual happiness of the decade. Any day now you will get the chance to decipher the inside story that's beneath the untold story that's hidden within the secret story. I won't be surprised if one of your most sophisticated theories about the nature of reality gets cracked, allowing you to recover at least a measure of primal innocence. I suggest you start practicing the arts of laughing while you cry and crying while you laugh right now. That way you'll be all warmed up when an old style of give-and-take comes to an end, ultimately making way for a more profound new give-and-take.

Sometimes it's a challenge to try to figure out what's important and what's not important. If you'd like more of my input, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The Mystic Chaos Wizard Helper says: Close one eye. Tap your forehead twice with your left palm. Think of a memory in which you found something you'd lost. Lick your lips and murmur the words "Love Whisperer." Insert your middle finger in the "Delight-O-Meter" slot. Keep your finger there until the "Passion Lamp" turns on. Flash. Flash. Flash. Thank you. Now write the first thing that comes into your heart's mind.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

There's almost nothing about the dandelion that humans can't make use of. People of many different countries have eaten its buds, leaves, and greens. Besides being tasty, it contains high levels of several vitamins and minerals. Its flowers are the prime ingredient in dandelion wine, and its roots have been turned into a coffee substitute. Herbalists from a variety of traditions have found medicinal potency in various parts of the plant. Last but not least, dandelions are pretty and fun to play with! In the coming weeks, Sagittarius, I invite you to approach the whole world as if it were a dandelion. In other words, get maximum use and value out of every single thing with which you interact.

How well is your imagination working these days? Could it use a boost? A prod? A jolt of inspiration? Try tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Naturalist John Burroughs may have been addressing your current needs when he wrote the following: "The lesson which life constantly enforces is 'Look underfoot.' You are always nearer to the true sources of your power than you think. The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is the center of the world."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Intellect confuses intuition," asserted painter Piet Mondrian. I don't think that's always true, even for creative artists. But in the coming week I suspect it'll be important for you to take into consideration. So make sure you know the difference between your analytical thinking and your gut-level hunches, and don't let your thinking just automatically override your hunches. Here's more helpful advice from painter Robert Genn: "The job of the intellect is to give permission to the intuition, and it's the job of intuition to know when intellect is once again appropriate."

Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your unfolding destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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You're hereby invited to join the Clandestine Indigenous Revolutionary Committee Devoted to the Ingenious Liberation of All Sentient Beings. To signify your desire to sign up, simply perform an act of crafty compassion that reduces someone's suffering.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

It's time to seek help from outside the magic circle you usually stay inside. You need to call on extracurricular resources -- people and animals and deities who can offer useful interventions and delightful serendipity and unexpected deliverance. The remedies that work for you most of the time just won't be applicable in the coming days. The usual spiritual appeals will be irrelevant. I'm not saying that you are facing a dire predicament; not at all. What I'm suggesting is that the riddles you will be asked to solve are outside the purview of your customary guides and guidelines.

How much do you want to know about your life? How far do you dare to go in your quest for self-mastery? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Where exactly is Hell in relation to Heaven, anyway? Is it the equivalent of a billion light-years away? Or are they located within shouting distance of each other? Lots of ancient religious texts suggest the latter. Yalkut Koheleth, a Jewish commentary on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes, claimed the two domains were just "a hand-breadth apart." In Greek myth, the blessed Elysian Fields were situated right next door to Hades. "The doors to heaven and hell are adjacent and identical," wrote Nikos Kazantzakis, "both green, both beautiful."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

These days lobsters are regarded as a luxury food, but that wasn't the case among early Americans. In the 17th and 18th centuries, the large crustaceans were meals that were thought to be suitable only for poor people and prisoners. Wealthy folks wouldn't touch the stuff. After examining your astrological omens, Pisces, I'm wondering if your future holds a similar transformation. I think there could very well be a rags-to-riches story in which an ignored or denigrated thing ascends to a more important role.

Would you like to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Do you want to uncover the secrets you've been hiding even from yourself? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The alchemists said the magic formula for enlightenment was Visita Inferiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem, or "Seek out the lower reaches of the earth, perfect them, and you will find the hidden stone" -- the treasured philosopher's stone. Jungian psychologists might describe the process this way: Engage in a relationship with the blind and sickly parts of yourself, perfect them, and you will awaken your hidden divinity.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.