"Do unto others as they wish," advised French artist Marcel Duchamp, "but with imagination." I recommend that approach to you, Aries. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when you can create good fortune for yourself by tuning into the needs and cravings of others, and then satisfying those needs and cravings in your own inimitable and unpredictable ways. Don't just give the people you care about the mirror image of what they ask for; give them a funhouse mirror image that reflects your playful tinkering.

Would you like to hear me say some more about your ever-evolving destiny? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Firenze Matisse traveled to Antarctica. On the first day, the guide took him and his group to a remote area and left them alone for an hour to commune with the pristine air and unearthly stillness. After a while, a penguin ambled up and launched into a ceremonial display of squawks and stretches. Firenze responded with recitals of his favorite memorized poems, imagining he was "engaged in a conversation with eternity." Halfway through his inspired performance of Thich Nhat Hanh's "Please Call Me by My True Names," the penguin sent a stream of green projectile vomit cascading against his chest, and shuffled away.

Though Firenze initially felt deflated by eternity's surprise, no harm was done. He soon came to see it as a first-class cosmic joke, and looked forward to exploiting its value as an amusing story with which to regale his friends back home.

Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Michael Logan was the first person to hear Firenze's tale upon his return from Antarctica. "You might want to consider this, Firenze," Michael mused after taking it all in. "Penguins nurture their offspring by chewing food—mixing it up with all God's enzymes—and then vomiting it into the mouths of the penguin babies. Perhaps you weren't the butt of a cosmic joke or some Linda Blair-esque bad review, but in fact the recipient of a very precious gift of love. Who knows?"

Now Firenze has two punch lines for his tale of redemptive pronoia.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Winner of the American Book Award in 1963, William Stafford wrote thousands of poems. The raw materials for his often-beautiful creations were the fragments and debris of his daily rhythm. "I have woven a parachute out of everything broken," he said in describing his life's work. You are now in a phase when you could achieve a comparable feat, Taurus. You have the power to turn dross into sweetness, refuse into treasure, loss into gain.

Need more help deciphering the riddles and enigmas that are fueling your amazing story? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The 17th-century surgeon Wilhelm Hilden had an interesting theory about healing. He developed a medicinal salve that he applied not to the wound itself but rather to the weapon that inflicted it. Though today we may sneer at such foolishness, the fact is that Hilden's approach has great potential if used for psychic wounds. Jesus understood this when he articulated the revolutionary formula, "Love your enemy." More than any other action, this strategy has the power to cure you of the distortions your enemy has unleashed in you. Try it out.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Is there something you've always wanted to create but have not gotten around to creating? Now would be an excellent time to finally get that project off the ground. Is there any role you have fantasized about taking on but have never actually sought out? Now would be a perfect moment to initiate an attempt. Is there any big mysterious deal you've thought about connecting with but never have? Any profound question you've longed to pose but didn't? Any heart-expanding message you've wanted to deliver but couldn't bring yourself to? You know what to do.

No one knows you better than you do, but maybe I can help you dig up even more self-knowledge. Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Cancer cells are constantly developing in our bodies. Luckily, our immune systems routinely kill them off. Similarly, our minds always harbor pockets of crazy-making misconceptions and faulty imprints. They usually don't rise up and render us insane thanks to the psychic versions of our immune systems.

How can you stay strong in your ability to fight off sickness and madness? You know the drill: Eat healthy food, sleep well, get physical exercise, minimize stress, give and receive love. But as an aspiring pronoiac, you have at your disposal other actions that can provide powerful boosts to your immune system. Here are examples:

Scheme to put yourself in the path of beautiful landscapes, buildings, art, and creatures.

Exercise your imagination regularly. Get in the habit of feeding your mind's eye images that fill you with wonder and vitality.

Eliminate uhs, you knows, I means, and other junk words from your speech. Avoid saying things you don't really mean and haven't thought out. Stop yourself when tempted to make scornful assertions about people.

Every night before you fall asleep, review the day's activities in your mind's eye. As if watching a movie about yourself, try to be calmly objective as you observe your memories from the previous 16 hours. Be especially alert for moments when you strayed from your purpose and didn't live up to your highest standards.

With a companion, sit in front of a turned-off TV as you make up a pronoiac story that features tricky benevolence, scintillating harmony, and amusing redemption. Speak this tale aloud or write it down.

Take on an additional job title, beautifier. Put it on your business card and do something every day to cultivate your skill. If you're a people person, bring grace and intrigue into your conversations; ask unexpected questions that provoke original thoughts. If you're an artist, leave samples of your finest work in public places. If you're a psychologist or sociologist, point out the institutions and relationships that are working really well. Whatever you do best, be alert for how you can refine it and offer it up to those who'll benefit from it.

If you're going through a phase when you feel you have nothing especially beautiful to offer, or if you think it would be self-indulgent to inject your own aesthetic into shared environments, turn for help to great artists and thinkers. Sneak O'Keeffe or Chagall prints onto unadorned walls in public places, for instance. Memorize poems by Rilke and Hafiz, and slip them into your conversations when appropriate. Program your cell phone so that its ring is Vivaldi's Stabat Mater in C Minor. Scrawl passages from Annie Dillard's Teaching a Stone to Talk on the walls of public lavatories.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The experiences you're flirting with seem to be revivals of long-forgotten themes. You're trying to recover and reinvigorate stuff that was abandoned or neglected way back when. You're dipping into the past to salvage defunct resources, hoping to find new applications for them. To illustrate the spirit of what you're doing, I've resurrected some obsolete words I found in an 18th-century dictionary. Try sprinkling them into your conversations; make them come alive again. "Euneirophrenia" means "peace of mind after a sweet dream." The definition of "neanimorphic" is "looking younger than one's true age." "Gloze" is when you speak soothing or flattering words in order to persuade. "Illapse" means the gradual or gentle entrance of one thing into another.

Wouldn't you love to learn more about who you really are? What better adventure is there than learning about your soul's code? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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What if the Creator is like Rainer Maria Rilke's God, "like a webbing made of a hundred roots, that drink in silence"? What if the Source of All Life inhabits both the dark and the light, heals with strange splendor as much as with sweet insight, is hermaphroditic and omnisexual? What if the Source loves to give you riddles that push you past the boundaries of your understanding, forcing you to deepen your perceptions and change the way you think about everything? Close your eyes and imagine you can sense the presence of this tender, marvelous, difficult, entertaining intelligence.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

An old Egyptian saying declares that "the difference between a truth and a lie weighs no more than a feather." I suspect that your upcoming experiences will vividly demonstrate the accuracy of that statement. There will be a very fine line between delusional nonsense and helpful wisdom . . . between colorful but misleading BS and articulate, provocative analysis . . . between interesting but irrelevant fantasies and cogent, evidence-based prognostications. Which side will you be on, Leo? To increase your chances of getting it right, be a stickler for telling yourself the heart-strong truth.

I hope the oracle above provides you with the inspiration you need to do what you've got to do and change what needs to be changed. But if you need more clues, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE, where I go further in exploring your mysteries.

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Pronoia is the antidote for paranoia. It’s the understanding that the universe is fundamentally friendly. It’s a mode of training your senses and intellect so you’re able to perceive the fact that life always gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. Are you interested in becoming a wildly disciplined, fiercely tender, scrupulously curious, aggressively sensitive, lyrically logical, lustfully compassionate Master of Rowdy Bliss? Act as if the universe is a prodigious miracle created for your amusement and illumination. Assume that secret helpers are working behind the scenes to assist you in turning into the gorgeous masterpiece you were born to be.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

What's the most practical method of acquiring wealth? One out of every five Americans believes that it's by playing the lottery. While it is true, Virgo, that you now have a slightly elevated chance of guessing the winning numbers in games of chance -- the odds are only 90 million to one instead of 100 million to one -- I don't recommend that you spend any time seeking greater financial security in this particular way. A much better use of your current cosmic advantage would be to revitalize and reorganize your approach to making, spending, saving, and investing money.

For more help in understanding your relationship with the game of life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Rainer Maria Rilke: "For one human being to love another is the most difficult task of all. It’s the work for which all other work is mere preparation."
Teilhard de Chardin: "Someday after we have mastered the winds, the waves, and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love; and then for a second time in the history of the world, human beings will have discovered fire."
Leo Tolstoy: "Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love."
Blaise Pascal: "If you do not love too much, you do not love enough."
Emily Dickinson: "Until you have loved, you cannot become yourself."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The Jet Propulsion Laboratory landed two robotic vehicles on Mars in 2004. They were expected to explore the planet and send back information for 90 days. But the rover named Spirit kept working for over six years, and its companion, Opportunity, is still operational. The astrological omens suggest that any carefully prepared project you launch in the coming weeks could achieve that kind of staying power, Libra. So take maximum advantage of the vast potential you have available. Don't scrimp on the love and intelligence you put into your labor of love.

Would you like further inspiration as you scheme and dream to make the most of life's sometimes puzzling opportunities? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The Mystic Chaos Wizard Helper says: Close one eye. Tap your forehead twice with your left palm. Think of a memory in which you found something you'd lost. Lick your lips and murmur the words "Love Whisperer." Insert your middle finger in the "Delight-O-Meter" slot. Keep your finger there until the "Passion Lamp" turns on. Flash. Flash. Flash. Thank you. Now write the first thing that comes into your heart's mind.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"I don't want to play the part of the mythical phoenix again," my Scorpio friend Kelly has been moaning as she prepares for her latest trial by fire. "I've burned myself to the ground and risen reborn out of the ashes two times this year already. Why can't someone else take a turn for a change?" While I empathized, I thought it was my duty to tell her what I consider to be the truth: More than any other sign of the zodiac, you Scorpios have supreme skills in the art of metaphorical self-immolation and regeneration. You're better able to endure the ordeal, too. Besides, part of you actually enjoys the heroic drama and the baby-fresh feelings that come over you as you reanimate yourself from the soot and cinders. Ready for another go?

What exactly are you looking for? How would you describe the experiences you want more than anything else? It's possible my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE could give you additional help in figuring that out.

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ARGUMENTS WITH GOD is the only organization on the planet that specializes in the art of debating with the Creator. Our trained Prayer Warriors are standing by, ready to deliver the protests and complaints that you want to convey. Send your mad, rebellious, poignant appeals to Truthrooster@gmail.com, and we will relay them directly to the Cosmic Trickster with persuasive eloquence. Write your first draft.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

When she was seven years old, my daughter Zoe created a cartoon panel with colored pens. It showed an orange-haired girl bending down to tend to three orange flowers. High overhead was an orange five-pointed star. The girl was saying, "I think it would be fun being a star," while the star mused, "I think it would be great to be a girl." I urge you to create your own version of this cartoon, Sagittarius. Put a picture of yourself where the girl was in Zoe's rendering. Getting your imagination to work in this way will put you in the right frame of mind to notice and take advantage of the opportunities that life will bring you. Here's your mantra, an ancient formula the mystics espouse: "As above, so below."

Want to hear more about the subconscious factors and hidden forces that may be influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Even if you don't call yourself an artist, you have the potential to be a dynamic creator who is always hatching new plans, coming up with fresh ideas, and shifting your approach to everything you do as you adjust to life's ceaseless invitation to change.

It's to this part of you -- the restless, inventive spirit -- that I address the following: Unleash yourself! Don't be satisfied with the world the way it is; don't sit back passively and blankly complain about the dead weight of the mediocre status quo. Instead, call on your curiosity and charisma and expressiveness and lust for life as you tinker with and rebuild everything you see so that it's in greater harmony with the laws of love and more hospitable to your soul's code.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Years ago, I discovered I was eligible to join MENSA, an organization for people with high IQs. Since I'd never gotten any awards, plaques, or badges, I thought I'd indulge in this little sin of pride. Not too long after I signed up, however, I felt like an idiot for doing it. Whenever I told someone I belonged to MENSA, I felt sheepish about seeming to imply that I was extra smart. Eventually I resigned from the so-called genius club. But then I descended into deeper egomania -- I started bragging about how I had quit MENSA because I didn't want to come off like an egotist. How egotistical was that? Please avoid this type of unseemly behavior in the coming week, Capricorn. Be authentically humble, not fake like me. It'll be important for your success.

To further explore the ripening blessings and interesting challenges in your life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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When the spell is broken, you will be able to tap into resources you've been cut off from. When the spell is broken, you will finally notice the big, beautiful secrets that have been lying in plain sight. What is that spell? Can you break it yourself?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Right now you have license to make pretty much everything bigger and funnier and wickeder. Good fortune is likely to flow your way as you seek out experiences that are extra interesting and colorful and thought-provoking. This is no time for you to be shy about asking for what you want or timid about stirring up adventure. Be louder and prouder than usual. Be bolder and brighter, nosier and cozier, weirder and more whimsical. The world needs your very best idiosyncrasies and eccentricities!

Need more whacks applied to your mental blocks? More caresses bestowed upon your growing edge? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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In the early years of Christianity, there were hundreds of books interpreting the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. But by 325 A.D., a group backed by the political and military might of the Roman Empire had determined which few of the stories about Christ would thereafter be considered the canonical New Testament, and which would be regarded as heretical bilge.

No better evidence exists for the saying, "History is a tale told by the victors." Keep this in mind as you strategize your way through your personal War of the Stories. Your account of events may have more truth in it than everyone else's conflicting tales, but that won't carry much weight unless you obtain the power to enforce your version.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

There is a slight chance the following scenario will soon come to pass: A psychic will reveal that you have a mutant liver that can actually thrive on alcohol, and you will then get drunk on absinthe every day for two weeks, and by the end of this grace period, you will have been freed of 55 percent of the lingering guilt you've carried around for years, plus you will care 40 percent less about what people think of you. Extra bonus: You'll feel like a wise rookie who's ready to learn all about intimacy as if you were just diving into it for the first time. But get this, Pisces: There's an even greater chance that these same developments will unfold very naturally -- without the psychic, without the prediction about a mutant liver, and without the nonstop drunkenness.

Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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In response to our culture's ever-rising levels of noise and frenzy, rites of purification have become more popular. Many people now recognize the value of taking periodic retreats. Withdrawing from their usual compulsions, they go on fasts, avoid mass media, practice celibacy, or even abstain from speaking. While we applaud cleansing ceremonies like this, we recommend balancing them with periodic outbreaks of an equal and opposite custom: the Bliss Blitz.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.