In Marcel Proust's novel In Search of Lost Time, one of the characters makes a vulgar observation about the odd attractions that sometimes come over us human beings: "Anyone who falls in love with a dog's behind will mistake it for a rose." It's my duty to point out that the opposite occurs, too. People may think a marvelous thing is worthless, and dislike it or ignore it as a result. Van Gogh's paintings, for example: He sold only one while he was alive, although today his work is regarded as extraordinarily beautiful. My advice to you, Aries, is to avoid both of these errors in the coming week.

Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Notice how you feel as you speak the following: "The strong, independent part of me resisted the embarrassing truth for a long time, but I finally came to accept that I'm someone who craves vast amounts of love. Ever since I surrendered to this need, it doesn't nag me all the time, as it used to. In fact, it feels comforting, like a source of sweetness that doesn't go away. I never thought I'd say this, but I've come to treasure the feeling of having a voracious yearning to be loved."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Poet Paul Eluard frequently fantasized and wrote about his dream woman, but he never actually found her. "The cards have predicted that I would meet her but not recognize her," he said. So he contented himself with being in love with love. I think he made a sound decision that many of us should consider emulating. It's a losing proposition to wait around hoping for a dream lover to show up in our lives, since no one can ever match the idealized image we carry around in our imagination. And even if there were such a thing as a perfect mate, we would probably not recognize that person, as Eluard said, because they'd be so different from our fantasy. Having said all that, Taurus, I'm happy to inform you that the next two months will be prime time for you to cultivate your connection with an imperfect beauty who's good for you.

Would you like to hear me say some more about your ever-evolving destiny? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Devote yourself to your heart's desire with unflagging shrewdness. Make it your top priority. Let no lesser wishes distract you. But consider this, too. You may sabotage even your worthiest yearning if you're maniacal in your pursuit of it.

Bear in mind the attitude described by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book Women Who Run with the Wolves: "All that you are seeking is also seeking you. If you sit still, it will find you. It has been waiting for you a long time."

Speculate on what exactly that would look like in your own life. Describe how your heart's desire has been waiting for you, seeking you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

When you begin treatment with a homeopathic doctor, his or her first task is to determine your "constitutional," which is the remedy that serves as your fundamental medicine -- the tonic you take to keep your system balanced and functioning smoothly. Mine used to be "aurum," or gold, but due to certain shifts in my energy, my doctor ultimately changed it to "lac lupinum," or wolf's milk. After analyzing your astrological omens, I'm guessing that you might need a similar adjustment in the regimen that keeps you healthy. Your body's needs seem to be evolving. Consider making some changes in the food you eat, the sleep you get, the exercise you do, and the love you stir up.

Need more help deciphering the riddles and enigmas that are fueling your amazing story? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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For over two decades, Peter Jouvenal worked as a journalist and cameraman who filmed war-torn hot spots, including Iraq in the Gulf War and Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion. He eventually retired from that gig and bought a restaurant in Kabul. He has few regrets, but one came after the fall of the Taliban in 2001.

While exploring the organization's deserted safe houses, he happened upon a place where Osama bin Laden and his wife had recently lived. Among the items the couple left behind was one of her bras. In retrospect Jouvenal realized he should have pocketed the exotic piece of lingerie; a tabloid newspaper would have paid him a fortune for it. But because he had spent his entire career dealing with more mainstream news media that sought more respectable evidence, the idea didn't even occur to him until much later.

Was there ever a time when you were in such a deep trance, enthralled by your habits and belief system, that you failed to notice a valuable anomaly that popped up? How can you train yourself to be so alert that such a blunder won't happen again?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Freedom is in the unknown," said philosopher John C. Lilly. "If you believe there is an unknown everywhere, in your own body, in your relationships with other people, in political institutions, in the universe, then you have maximum freedom." I think this is the most important thought you could meditate on right now, Cancerian. You are close to summoning the magic that would allow you to revel in what's unknown about everything and everyone you love. And that would dramatically invigorate your instinct for freedom.

No one knows you better than you do, but maybe I can help you dig up even more self-knowledge. Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Imagine that you have been relieved of your responsibilities for a given time. They will be taken care of by people you trust. You won't have to work to make money during this grace period, but will be given all you need. Nor will you have to clean your house, wash your clothes, or buy and make your food. Now here's the big question: What will you do now that you are free to do anything you like?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The first time I ever planted a garden was last summer. It wasn't easy. The soil in my backyard was hard clay that I could barely penetrate with a shovel. Luckily, a helpful clerk at the garden store revealed a solution: gypsum. All I had to do was pour the white powder on my intransigent dirt and wet it down for a few days. The stuff performed as advertised on the package: It "worked like millions of tiny hoes," loosening the heavy clay. A week later I was able to begin planting. In the coming days, Leo, I think you could benefit from the metaphorical equivalent of a million tiny hoes. You've got to break down a hard surface to create a soft bed for your seeds.

Wouldn't you love to learn more about who you really are? What better adventure is there than learning about your soul's code? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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According to Jewish legend, there are in each generation 36 righteous humans who prevent the rest of us from being destroyed. Through their extraordinary good deeds and their love of the divine spark, they save the world over and over again. They're not famous saints, though. They go about their business anonymously, and no one knows how crucial they are to our well-being.

Might you be one of the 36? As a temporary experiment, act as if you are.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Recent research suggests that yawning raises alertness, enhances cognitive awareness, reduces stress, and strengthens the part of the brain that feels empathy. Andrew Newburg, M.D. goes so far as to recommend that you regularly induce yawns. He says it helps you solve problems, increases your efficiency, and intensifies your spiritual experiences. (Read more here: http://bit.ly/YawnGenius.) So here's my advice, Virgo. During the current phase of your astrological cycle -- which is a time when self-improvement activities are especially favored -- you should experiment with recreational yawning.

I hope the oracle above provides you with the inspiration you need to do what you've got to do and change what needs to be changed. But if you need more clues, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE, where I go further in exploring your mysteries. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Your addiction is obstructing you from your destiny, and yet it's also your ally.

What?! How can both be true?

On the downside, your addiction diverts your energy from a deeper desire that it superficially resembles. For instance, if you're an alcoholic, your urge to get loaded may be an inferior substitute for and a poor imitation of your buried longing to commune with spirit.

On the upside, your addiction is your ally, because it dares you to get strong and smart enough to wrestle free of its grip; it pushes you to summon the uncanny willpower necessary to defeat the darkness within you that saps your ability to follow the path with heart.

(P.S. Don't tell me you have no addictions. Each of us is addicted to some sensation, feeling, thought, or action, if not to an actual substance.)

Extol your sublime, painful addiction -- celebrate it to death. Ride it, spank it, kiss it, whip it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Check out this haiku by Mizuhara Shuoshi, translated from the Japanese by William J. Higginson: "stuck in a vase / deep mountain magnolia / blossoms open." Does that remind you of anyone? It should. I think it pretty much sums up your current situation. More accurately, it captures the best possible scenario you can strive to achieve, given your circumstances. Yes, there are limitations you have to deal with right now: being in the vase. And yet there's no reason you can't bloom like a deep mountain magnolia.

For more help in understanding your relationship with the game of life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Attention please. This is your ancestors speaking. We've been trying to reach you through your dreams and fantasies, but you haven't responded. That's why we've commandeered this space. So listen up. We'll make it brief. You're at a crossroads analogous to a dilemma that has baffled your biological line for six generations. We ask you now to master the turning point that none of us have ever figured out how to negotiate. Heal yourself and you heal all of us. We mean that literally. Start brainstorming, please.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Technorati, a search engine for blogs, says there are well over 100 million blogs on the Internet, and that figure doesn't include millions of Chinese language blogs. So self-expression is thriving on a global scale, right? Not exactly. Most blogs -- the estimate is 94 percent -- have not been updated for at least four months. In accordance with the current astrological indicators, Scorpio, I expect you to do something about this problem. Refresh your blog in the coming week, or consider launching one if you don't have one. But don't stop there. Use every other way you can imagine to show the world who you are. Be articulate and demonstrative and revelatory.

Would you like further inspiration as you scheme and dream to make the most of life's sometimes puzzling opportunities? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

I think you can handle more hubbub and uproar than you realize. I also suspect you're capable of integrating more novelty, and at a faster rate, than the members of all the other signs of the zodiac. That's why I think you should consider interpreting what's happening in your life right now as "interesting adventures" instead of "disorienting chaos." The entire universe is set up to help you thrive on what non-Sagittarians might regard as stressful.

What exactly are you looking for? How would you describe the experiences you want more than anything else? It's possible my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE could give you additional help in figuring that out. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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To create a pearl, an oyster needs an aggravating parasite inside its shell. It builds layers of calcium carbonate around the invader, gradually fabricating the treasure. How long does it take from the initial provocation to the finished product? Five years for a pearl of average size, and as many as 10 years for a big one.

Our questions for you: How many years have you been engaged in the process of transforming your irritant into a masterpiece? How many more years do you think you still have to go?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Dear Rob: My boyfriend's heart is in the right place. He likes to give me flowers. The only trouble is, the bouquets he brings are homely. A recent batch was a hodgepodge of blue delphiniums, white carnations, and red geraniums. Is there any way to steer him in a more aesthetically correct direction without deflating his tender kindness? - Unsatisfied Capricorn." Dear Unsatisfied: In my astrological opinion, one of the tasks you Capricorns should be concerned with right now is learning to love the gifts that people want to give you. Maybe at a later date you can start training them to provide you with exactly what you want. But for the moment, it won't kill you to simply welcome and celebrate their generosity.

Want to hear more about the subconscious factors and hidden forces that may be influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Ariel was going through a hard time. She'd been weaning herself from a painkiller she'd taken while recovering from surgery. Her cat ran away, and there was a misunderstanding at work. One night while at a nightclub with her friend Leila, she spied her ex-boyfriend kissing some woman. Meltdown ensued. Ariel fled the club and ran sobbing into the street, where she hurled her shoes on top of a passing bus.

Leila retrieved her and sat her down on a bench. "Because up until now you've displayed such exemplary grace in the face of chaos," Leila said, "I'm giving you a free Crazy Pass. It gives you a karma-free license to temporarily lose your mind." This compassionate humor helped Ariel feel more composed. The rest of the night she partied with elegant savagery, achieving major relief and release without hurting ­herself.

Now I'm awarding you, too, a free Crazy Pass. How will you use it?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Your new vocabulary word for the week is "skookum," a term from the Chinook Indians that is still used in some parts of British Columbia and the Pacific Northwest. My astrological colleague Caroline Casey says it means "in cahoots with good spirits" and "completely made for the job." Wikipedia suggests that when you're skookum, you've got a clear purpose and are standing in your power spot. According to my reading of the omens, Aquarius, these definitions of skookum fit you pretty well right now. (P.S. When skookum is used to describe food, it means delicious and hearty, which could definitely be applied to you if you were edible.)

To further explore the ripening blessings and interesting challenges in your life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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Think about your relationship to human beings who haven't been born yet. What might you create for them to use? How can you make your life a gift to the future? Can you not only help preserve the wonders we live amidst, but actually enhance them? Keep in mind this thought from Lewis Carroll: "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In the coming days, it's crucial for you to be spontaneous but not rash. Do you know the distinction? Read the words of psychologist Abraham Maslow: "Spontaneity (the impulses from our best self) gets confused with impulsivity and acting-out (the impulses from our sick self), and there is then no way to tell the difference." Be sure you stay true to the vitalizing prompts arising from your inner genius, Pisces -- not the distorted compulsions erupting from your inner maniac.

Need more whacks applied to your mental blocks? More caresses bestowed upon your growing edge? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE. Meanwhile, to get a taste of what my audio offerings are like, listen to my free podcast, Prayer for Us.

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For years, I lived 13 miles from the top of Mt. Tamalpais, one of the highest peaks in the San Francisco Bay Area. Every day I gazed at it from afar through my window or while riding my bike in the hills, marveling as it glided through its ever-shifting relationship with the sky and seasons. It was a remote yet familiar beacon, an awe-inspiring touchstone against which I could measure my own undulating rhythms.

Eventually I moved to a new home at the foot of Mt. Tam. I felt as if I'd become part of it -- was embedded in its protective and majestic aura. It was no longer an objective gauge, but rather an intimate tone and texture in my subjective experience of myself.

Risk a comparable shift, from being there to being here; from outside to inside; from strength absorbed at a distance to power felt up close.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.