You could really use your own personal doorman or doorwoman -- someone who would accompany you everywhere you go and help you gain entrance through the portals you encounter. In my vision of what you require, this assistant would go further. He or she would find secret camouflaged doors for you, and do the equivalent of uttering Ali Baba's magic words "Open Sesame!" He or she would even create doors for you, allowing you to penetrate obstacles -- going into carpenter mode and fashioning a passageway for you right on the spot. If you can't find anyone to fulfill this role for you, do it yourself. Halloween costume suggestion: a doorman or doorwoman; a gatekeeper from a fairy tale.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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In an article about storytellers in the Los Angeles Times, Leslie Berger profiled a high school teacher named Luigi Jannuzzi. "He once saved the life of a student who was choking on a Life Saver," Berger wrote, "and thus discovered his own gift of gab: He told the kid a joke so funny that his laughter popped the candy out of his throat."

Make up a story in which your sense of humor saves someone's life.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.