Fifty-five percent of Americans not only believe in guardian angels, but testify that they have been actively aided by the intervention of those divine helpers. Commenting on the results, one religious expert said that "Americans live in an enchanted world." The 55 percent figure may rise even higher in the coming weeks. A majority of Aries all over the planet, regardless of their religious orientation, could have a mystical experience that will spook and delight them. If you're one of the chosen ones, don't get fixated on or distracted by the sheer amazement of the visitation. Make sure you're alert for its eminently practical guidance.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Quoting geneticists, Guy Murchie says we're all family. You have at least a million relatives as close as tenth cousin, and no one on Earth is any farther removed than your 50th cousin.

Murchie also describes our kinship through an analysis of how deeply we share the air. With each breath, you take into your body 10 sextillion atoms, and--owing to the wind's ceaseless circulation--over a year's time you have intimate relations with oxygen molecules exhaled by every person alive, as well as by everyone who ever lived. Right now you may be carrying atoms that were once inside the lungs of Malcolm X, Christopher Columbus, Joan of Arc, and Cleopatra.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

You've been hiding a part of yourself from your conscious awareness. That's why I'm going to ask you to take off the mask you wear when you're alone with yourself. You might be surprised when you actually gaze upon your secret face. But I believe it will ultimately prove to be an intriguing breakthrough that will give you good ideas about how to share yourself more completely.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
You're like an arrow in flight. You're a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. Have you ever mastered a second language? You resemble the time right before fluency arrives.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

A year ago, I had a vision that your experiences in 2008 would boost your heart's smarts -- maybe not up to the same level as your head's intelligence, but much closer than before. I predicted you'd have a growing ability to master your own moods and emotions, and speculated on how that would in turn increase your understanding of why people do the things they do. So if, during these last 11 months, you've been taking advantage of the potentials I named back then, you have undoubtedly developed impressive new skills in the art of intimate relationships. If for any reason this hasn't happened yet, start playing catch-up immediately.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At a concert in California, devotional singer Krishna Das told a story of escorting his revered teachers, a frail old Indian couple, to an acupuncturist in New York. They had to walk through a neighborhood dominated by strip clubs, prostitutes, and drug dealers. Every few feet, a new salesperson approached with an offer of crack, weed, crank, or sexual adventures.

Krishna Das worried about subjecting his beloved guides to such a degrading experience, but they were unfazed. "This is heaven," said the woman. When a surprised Krishna Das asked what she meant, she replied, "Heaven is any place where one's needs can be met."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Activist and author Naomi Klein tells a story about the time she traveled to Australia at the request of Aboriginal elders. They wanted her to know about their struggle to prevent white people from dumping radioactive wastes on their land. Her hosts brought her to their precious wilderness, where they camped under the stars. They showed her "secret sources of fresh water, plants used for bush medicines, hidden eucalyptus-lined rivers where the kangaroos come to drink." After three days, Klein grew restless. When were they going to get down to business and show her the despoiled places? "Before you can fight," one elder told her, "you have to know what you are fighting for." That's good advice, Cancerian. I suggest you immerse yourself in the beauty you'll be serving and stewarding in the future.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Scientists have confirmed what we all knew: You do indeed have a little voice in your head that warns you when you're about to do something dumb. It's called the anterior cingulate cortex, according to white-coated authorities at Carnegie-Mellon University. If you're receptive to it, it's as good as having a guardian angel.

"Don't do it," the voice whispers when you're on the verge of locking your keys in your car or leaving the bar with the cute drunk you just met. "Go back," it murmurs as you start to walk away from a huge, though initially inconvenient, opportunity.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

The Mystic Astrology Wizard says: Close one of your eyes. Tap your forehead three times with the palm of your left hand. Think of a sexy image. Lick your lips and whisper the words "Love Whisperer." Insert your middle finger in the "Delight-O-Meter" slot. Keep your finger there until the "Passion Lamp" turns on. Flash. Flash. Flash. Thank you. Your evaluation appears below. Your libido has been a bit off-course, semi-absorbed in unfruitful or irrelevant distractions. But now it's realigning itself with the central dream themes of your life. Prepare to experience a truer juiciness.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
More and more creative people find they do their best work when they're feeling healthy and secure. We know writers who no longer need to be drunk or in agony in order to shed the numbness of their daily routine and tap into the full powers of their imagination. We have filmmaker friends whose best work flows not from the depths of alienated self-doubt but rather from the heights of well-earned bliss. Singer-songwriter P.J. Harvey is the patron saint of this new breed. "When I'm contented, I'm more open to receiving a lot of inspiration," she has testified. "I'm most creative when I feel safe and happy."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

I suggest you meditate on the theme of exile. Here are some questions to get you started. 1. Have you ever been shunned by people you care about? 2. Do you know what it's like to unwillingly leave a place that has made you feel safe and secure? 3. Can you remember the desolation that came over you when you found yourself wandering in the middle of nowhere? 4. Has it been a challenge to connect with your tribe or be at peace in the land that makes you feel at home in the world? Whatever your exile is, Virgo, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to figure out how to heal it.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Go to the ugliest or most forlorn place you know--a drugstore parking lot, the front porch of a crack house, a toxic waste dump, or the place that symbolizes your secret shame--and build a shrine devoted to beauty, truth, and love.

Here are some suggestions about what to put in your shrine: a silk scarf; a smooth rock on which you've inscribed a haiku or joke with a felt-tip pen; coconut cookies or ginger candy; pumpkin seeds and an origami crane; a green kite shaped like a dragon; a music CD you love; a photo of your hero; a votive candle carved with your word of power; a rubber ducky; a bouquet of fresh beets; a print of Van Gogh's "Starry Night."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

"Dear Rob: In the past I've thought of balance as the ability to move between extremes without falling down. I pride myself on being a Weeble-Wobbler, the toy that always swings back up when you try to tip it over. But lately I'm wondering if I should expand my concept of what we Libras do. I have fantasies of experimenting with a balance that more closely resembles walking on a railroad track. I could dip a foot here and there, first this side then that, just for fun, and still remain on the track. Maybe in time I could even dance on the rail. Your thoughts? - Libra in Expansion Mode." Dear Expander: The coming weeks would be a great time, astrologically speaking, to try the experiment you described.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
What causes happiness? Brainstorm at length about this question. Map out the foundations of your own personal science of happiness. Get serious about defining what makes you feel good. To get you started, I will list a few experiences that might possibly arouse your deepest gratification: physical pleasure; seeking the truth; being a good person; contemplating the meaning of life; enjoying the fruits of your accomplishments; escaping your routine; purging pent-up emotion. Do any of these work for you? Name at least ten more.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

It's a ripe time to work on fixing any neurosis that chronically disrupts your economic karma. Can you afford sessions with a psychotherapist who'll help you improve your relationship with money? Just in case you can't, I'll offer two exercises that might propel you toward financial self-healing. #1: Twice a day for five minutes, visualize yourself immersed in a joyous and meaningful experience that would be made possible by a more abundant flow of money into your life. #2: Think of three generous acts you want to carry out, three blessings you want to bestow, or three uplifting messages you want to deliver to deserving people.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Late at night when there's no traffic, stride down the middle of an empty road that by day is crawling with cars. Dance, careen, and sing songs that fill you with pleasurable emotions. Splay your arms triumphantly as you extemporize prayers in which you make extravagant demands and promises. Give pet names to the trees you pass, declare your admiration for the workers who made the road, and celebrate your sovereignty over a territory that usually belongs to heavy machines and their operators.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

In her book One Continuous Mistake, Gail Sher provides excellent advice for people who want to be writers. I'm offering it to you for your all-purpose use as you enter the Reinvent Yourself phase of your astrological cycle. The drive for perfection can be a distraction, Sher says. What's more useful is to be brave and free enough to experiment with possibilities that may or may not pan out. Don't think yourself into a corner, agonizing about where to begin. Simply dive in and get to work, trusting that the agitation you churn up will show you what works. Exult in the revelations provided by the trial-and-error approach! "We learn nothing from our successes," writes Sher, "which prescribe business-as-usual. We learn everything from our mistakes, which require us to analyze where we went wrong and invent fresh strategies."

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The sage and her student were standing by a pool discussing longing and ambition.

"What do you want more than anything else?" the sage asked.

"To perfect my ability to love all of creation the way I love myself," the young man replied.

At that moment, the sage tackled the student and shoved his head beneath the water. Accustomed to letting his teacher shape the unpredictable contours of his education, he did not resist.

One minute went by. Then another. The student began to struggle and kick. His teacher was strong.

Finally she released her grip and the student surfaced, fighting for breath.

"What did you want more than anything else during these last few minutes?" the sage inquired.

"Nothing else was in my mind except the desire for air," gasped the student.

"Excellent," beamed the sage. "As soon as you are equally single-minded in your desire to perfect your ability to love all of creation the way you love yourself, you will achieve your goal."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Long-time conservative writer Christopher Buckley, son of rightwing icon William F. Buckley, voted for Obama. Though he was once a speech-writer for John McCain, a man he admired, Buckley was aghast at how the presidential campaign unfolded. "I didn't leave the Republican Party," he said. "The Republican Party left me." I urge you to be alert for a comparable development in your own life, Capricorn. A group whose ideals you have held dear may be changing right in front of your eyes. Or perhaps a movement you've been part of has veered off course from the principles that drew you to it.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Astrologer Caroline Casey offers an apt metaphor to illustrate how crucial it is for us to hear and read good stories. She notes that if we don't have enough of the normal, healthy kind of iodine in our bodies, we absorb radioactive iodine, which has entered the food chain through nuclear test explosions conducted in the atmosphere. Similarly, unless we fill ourselves up with stories that invigorate us, we're more susceptible to sopping up the poisonous, degenerative narratives.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

"Never keep up with the Joneses," counseled author Quentin Crisp. "Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." But I don't recommend that approach, Aquarius. To do so would be as big a waste of your energy as trying to match the consumerist folly of the Joneses. The same holds true about any situation in which you're tempted to compete for status with people whose values aren't very deep: It's crazy to get obsessed with wanting to either be like them or to drag them down. This advice is especially important now, when you're more susceptible than usual to the dumbed-down influences of peer pressure. Try to carve out an independent path without indulging in envy, hatred, or superiority.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the early years of Christianity, there were hundreds of books interpreting the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. But by 325 A.D., a group backed by the political and military might of the Roman Empire had determined which few of the stories about Christ would thereafter be considered the canonical New Testament, and which would be regarded as heretical bilge.

No better evidence exists for the saying, "History is a tale told by the victors." Keep this in mind as you strategize your way through your personal War of the Stories. Your account of events may have more truth in it than everyone else's conflicting tales, but that won't carry much weight unless you obtain the power to enforce your version.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Do you have a negative opinion of clouds? Are you inclined to regard them as symbols of gloom or malaise, interruptions in what you wish would always be clear blue sky? If so, I'll ask you to revise your view. Consider the fact that in Chinese mythology, there are xiangyun, or "lucky clouds" that are harbingers of great blessings. Deities may even ride on them for pleasure. Among the Zuni Indians, the monster known as the Cloud Eater was feared because he devoured clouds that might bring replenishing rain. And modern meteorologists know that white, fluffy cumulus clouds are signs that fair weather is on the way. Armed with these ideas, Pisces, go out in search of your own personal lucky clouds. They're your metaphors of the week.

Want to get an idea of what my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are like? Tune in to my free podcast, "You Are a Prophet." My approach there has a close resemblance to the style of my weekly pay-for-view offerings.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Firenze Matisse traveled to Antarctica. On the first day, the guide took him and his group to a remote area and left them alone for an hour to commune with the pristine air and unearthly stillness. After a while, a penguin ambled up and launched into a ceremonial display of squawks and stretches. Firenze responded with recitals of his favorite memorized poems, imagining he was "engaged in a conversation with eternity." Halfway through his inspired performance of Thich Nhat Hanh's "Please Call Me by My True Names," the penguin sent a stream of green projectile vomit cascading against his chest, and shuffled away.

Though Firenze initially felt deflated by eternity's surprise, no harm was done. He soon came to see it as a first-class cosmic joke, and looked forward to exploiting its value as an amusing story with which to regale his friends back home.

Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Michael Logan was the first person to hear Firenze's tale upon his return from Antarctica. "You might want to consider this, Firenze," Michael mused after taking it all in. "Penguins nurture their offspring by chewing food—mixing it up with all God's enzymes—and then vomiting it into the mouths of the penguin babies. Perhaps you weren't the butt of a cosmic joke or some Linda Blair-esque bad review, but in fact the recipient of a very precious gift of love. Who knows?"

Now Firenze has two punch lines for his tale of redemptive pronoia.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.