Uranus is on the opposite side of the sun from Saturn right now. To traditional astrologers, that's a stressful aspect. It bespeaks a titanic clash between the forces of progress and the inertia of the past. But there are mitigating factors. The expansive planet Jupiter is trine to Saturn and sextile to Uranus, suggesting that unexpected grace may provide beauty and healing during these strenuous moments of truth. I predict that's what will occur in your personal life, Aries. You're well-situated to navigate smartly through the brouhaha. For best results, respect the old ways, but not so much that it slows down your exuberant quest for the most interesting possible future.

Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Contrary to what the Bible says, it won't be the meek who shall inherit the earth. On the other hand, the arrogant power mongers won't collect the legacy either. Neither the indecisive wimps nor the acquisitive bullies will contribute much to creating the New World.

Who, then, will inherit the earth? What kind of human beings are best-equipped to thrive in the evolving game of life? We say it will be the well-disciplined pleasure-seekers who are in vigorous dialogue with their own dark sides, who balance the masculine and feminine aspects of their natures, and who master the fine arts of working at their play and playing at their work.

Assume our definition has some validity for you. What would you have to do to become more like one of the inheritors of the earth?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Every year my friend Jim travels to Cabo San Lucas in Baja California to participate in a deep-sea fishing competition. He says the best way to catch the big fish is with actual bait in the form of smaller fish. But marlins can be fooled into getting snagged with merely pretty lures -- colorful fabrications that look like food but are actually made of metal, wood, plastic, and rubber. Jim says that hammerhead sharks, on the other hand, will never bite the fake bait. They're too smart, insisting on the real thing. I suggest you use this information as an allegory in the coming weeks, Taurus. You may find it to your advantage to get yourself "caught" by a metaphorical fisherperson, but only if he or she is offering you the authentic bait, not a simulation.

Want to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Somewhere in the world is a tree that has been struck by lightning in such a way that the scorch marks show your initials. Find that tree.

Somewhere in this world, there is a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that is meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that possesses a revelation only you know how to exploit. Go in search of those things.

Somewhere in this world, there is a person who could ask you the precise question you need to hear in order to catalyze the next phase of your evolution. Do what's necessary to run into that person.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

When the air is pure and clean, a bee can smell a flower from 3,281 feet. The presence of pollution severely cripples the bee's awareness of floral scents, however, reducing its range to 650 feet. Consider the possibility that this is a metaphor for what has been happening to you recently, Gemini. Have you suffered a reduction in your sensitivity to sources of nourishment? Are you oblivious to gifts and blessings that could be available to you if you only knew about them? According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this is quite possible. Luckily, you're reading this horoscope, which will surely motivate you to overcome the problem.

What blessings will life bring you? What challenges will you be invited to dive into? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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You are a metropolis of 50 trillion citizens, says biologist Dr. Bruce Lipton. Each of the cells in your body can be considered a sentient being in its own right. They all act together as a community, performing an ongoing act of prodigious collaboration. You are an epic collaboration.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Dolphins love erotic play, according to the book Dolphin Chronicles. For almost a third of their waking life, they caress and touch each other. They're ingenious about using their Frisbees, plastic boats, and rubber balls as sex toys. Gender isn't much of an issue. There's as much same-sex as opposite-sex cavorting. If you'd like to place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, Cancerian, you will consider taking a page from the dolphin Kama Sutra in the coming days. Remember, the key for them is simply to play freely without any specific goal. Bliss comes as much from experimenting with creative intimacy as from driving toward orgasm.

Need a few more whacks applied to your mental blocks? A few more caresses administered to your growing edge? Cruise on over to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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The Indian activist Mahatma Gandhi lead many peaceful rebellions against oppressive governments, first in South Africa and later in British-controlled India. At first he called his strategy "passive resistance," but later disavowed that term because it had negative implications. He ultimately chose the Sanskrit word satyagraha, meaning "love force" or "truth force." "Truth (satya) implies love," he said, "and firmness (agraha) is a synonym for force. Satyagraha is thus the force which is born of truth and love."

Give an example of how you have employed satyagraha in the past, and another example of how you might invoke it in the future.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

One of my friends on Facebook describes her vocation as "Hammer of the Gods." Her task in life, she says, is to be a tool that the divine powers wield as they nail together raw materials to make useful structures. While I don't know if that's also one of your long-range goals, Leo, I do know that it describes a role you'd thrive in during the coming weeks. So how about it? Are you ready to upgrade your game in order to be the best hammer of the gods you can possibly be?

Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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"Nothing's going right in my life. I feel anxious and paranoid all the time. My relationships are a mess." In my line of work, people make confessions like that to me. My first response is usually something like this: "Do you habitually gobble junk food near bedtime, steal a paltry five hours of sleep per night, gulp two cups of coffee and no breakfast in the morning, then bolt to a workplace where you get no sunlight or exercise and sit in an uncomfortable chair?" They often reply, "You must be psychic! How did you know?!" My point is that many psychological troubles stem from our chronic failure to take good care of our physical needs.

Name three things you can do to promote pronoia in yourself by taking better care of your body.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

I'm not necessarily suggesting that you read Al Franken's book The Truth (with Jokes). But I do recommend that you make that title your motto in the coming week. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, there will be no such thing as truth without jokes, at least for you. Every situation you need to know more about will, if you investigate it, reveal some amusing riddle. All the information that'll be important for you to gather will lead you in the direction of laughter.

Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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While living in Manhattan in the 1950s, the avant-garde composer John Cage felt beleaguered by the omnipresence of radio sound. Rather than piss and moan, he wrote a musical piece that featured several radios tuned to different frequencies. After that, he was always able to respond to street radio noise with a pleasant sense of "They're playing my song."

In a way similar to Cage, transmute your relationship with something that annoys you so that it pleases you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Some years back, I maxed out my credit cards to pay for recording my band's CD. Soon afterwards, following a few financial setbacks, I was close to declaring bankruptcy. Luckily, my parents stepped in and bailed me out. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) Since then, I've rigorously kept my debts to a minimum. That policy has, on occasion, cramped my style, but it looks pretty wise in light of the current financial crunch. Please draw inspiration from my experience, Libra. Take inventory of any patterns in your own life that may be distorting your ability to get the money and resources you need. This is an excellent time to flush your old conditioning and imprint yourself with good, new habits.

Need more help with your riddles? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Romney Austin adorned her Honda Civic with her first-ever bumper sticker, "Give Yourself to Love." While proud of announcing her compassionate philosophy to the world, she was also nervous. Hadn't she raised the pressure on herself to live up to her noble ideals?

A week later, she snapped. A guy chatting on a cell phone in a Lexus SUV cut her off in traffic, and road rage moved her to give him a middle-finger salute. Soon she added a new bumper sticker to the left of the first: "Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up, Hold On."

When I asked her about the contradiction, she confessed, "I've just accepted that I've got a split personality."

A week later, her conflicting sides reached a compromise. Romney pasted the word "and" in the space between the two stickers, to create a new thought: "Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up, Hold On, and Give Yourself to Love." She called to announce the good news: "I'm whole again!"
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

"Many times in my life," says philosopher Eckhart Tolle, "it has been my experience that the most powerful starting point for any endeavor is not the question 'What do I want?', but what does Life (God, Consciousness) want from me? How do I serve the whole?" I offer that meditation to you, Scorpio, as you slip into the heart of the reinvent yourself phase of your cycle. It's time to stage a grand reopening, launch a new (relation)ship, or instigate a fresh batch of good trouble. As you whip up the initiatory energy, ask the Big Cosmic Thou where it would like you to go and what it would love you to do.

No one knows you better than you do. But maybe you'll be inspired to dig up even more self-knowledge if you tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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In ancient Rome, gladiator contests were as popular as today's football games. The warriors back then were not hired heroes as they are now, however. They were slaves or convicts who were forced to fight. Even if they won, they were usually required to return and risk their lives another day. Now and then a grizzled veteran of countless struggles-to-the-death was awarded with the ultimate prize: a wooden sword, symbolizing the end of his role as a gladiator and the beginning of his life as a free man. I'm telling you this because I believe you have earned your own personal equivalent of the wooden sword. Make one for yourself.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth," says Ishmael in Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick, "whenever it is damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses . . . it [is] high time to get to the sea as soon as I can." Use this passage as an inspirational kick-in-the-ass, Sagittarius. There's no need for you to sink into the emotional abyss Ishmael describes. Fix yourself before you're broken! Get to the sea immediately, and prevent the grey glumness from taking over. If there's no ocean nearby, then try the next best things: Walk along a river or lake. Immerse yourself for long stretches in baths and saunas and heated pools. Cry and sweat and come abundantly. Listen to music that makes you feel like you're floating.

What greater adventure is there than exploring the enigmas of your unique destiny? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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May you eat an unfamiliar dessert in a strange land at least once every three years.

May you wake up to salsa music one summer morning, and start dancing while you're still half-asleep.

May you spray-paint Rilke poems as graffiti on highway overpasses.

May you mix stripes with plaids, floral patterns with checks, and yellowish-green with brownish-purple.

May you learn to identify by name 20 flowers, 15 trees, 10 clouds, and one extrasolar planet.

May you put a bumper sticker on your car or bike that says, "My god can kick your god's ass!"

If you bury your face in your tear-stained pillow and beg God to please send you your soul mate, may you not slur your words in such a way that they sound like "cell mate."

May you dream of taking a trip to the moon in a gondola powered by firecrackers and wild swans.

May you actually kiss the earth now and then.

May you find many good excuses to say what physicist Niels Bohr once did: "Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

This is the Week of the Upside-Down Rainbow. It's a time when signs of good fortune are everywhere, but always with some odd twist or anomalous feature. Should you worry that the tweaks mean there's some mischief at work? Does it suggest you will have to pay a price for the breakthroughs that are coming? I don't think so. My interpretation of the upside-down rainbow (or the five-leaf clover or the torn $10 bill you find on the street) is that you will be asked to expand your capacities in order to take full advantage of the unusual blessings.

Got enough clues to chew on for a while? If you need more, give yourself the luxury of your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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"If you bring forth the genius within you," said Jesus in the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, "it will free you. If you do not bring forth the genius within you, it will destroy you." Is there any aspect of the genius within you that you're not bringing forth? If so, what can you do to change that?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

Should you go with the flow or should you try to wheedle, manipulate, and entice the flow to go with you? This is one of those rare times when I advocate the latter approach. The flow is currently in an indecisive state, when it could go one of several different ways. You have cosmic authorization to nudge it in the direction that looks to you like it will be the best for the most people.

How much do you want to know about your destiny? How far do you dare to go? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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In an article about storytellers in the Los Angeles Times, Leslie Berger profiled a high school teacher named Luigi Jannuzzi. "He once saved the life of a student who was choking on a Life Saver," Berger wrote, "and thus discovered his own gift of gab: He told the kid a joke so funny that his laughter popped the candy out of his throat."

Make up a story in which your sense of humor saves someone's life.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.

In the sci-fi film The Matrix, a small band of people have managed to escape from the collective hallucination that most of their fellow humans are stuck inside. Though life is hard staying free, there are some perks. They can, for instance, get downloads of data directly into their brains that allow them to quickly master complex tasks. In this way, the heroine, Trinity, learns to fly a helicopter in a few minutes. I call your attention to these fictional events, Pisces, because I think you're close to pulling off real-life accomplishments that resemble them. First, you're in an excellent position to slip away from certain illusions that enslave some of the people around you. Second, you have an enormous power to rapidly understand new information and acquire new skills.

Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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In the Greek epic, The Odyssey, Odysseus and his men become stranded on an island belonging to the sorceress Circe, who uses her magic to transform the men into pigs. Later, though, she changes them back into men—only they're younger and taller and better-looking than before they were pigs.

Tell an analogous story from your own life: an experience in which you were turned into a pig for a while, and became a more beautiful version of yourself when the spell was broken.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to listen to my free podcasts, which include lots of material from the book.