"Woodsman Claims: 'Lady Bigfoot Kept Me as Her Love Slave!'" That was the headline of a report in the Weekly World News. In addition to providing fascinating details about the man's captivity, the article also had a helpful section on the jobs most likely to get someone kidnapped by a female sasquatch. They included lumberjack, surveyor, landscape artist, and ornithologist. In my astrological opinion, that list should be amended, at least for the next few weeks, to note that Taurus lumberjacks, surveyors, landscape artists, and ornithologists are especially susceptible. Why do I say that? Because according to my projections, many of you Tauruses will be swept up in or profoundly influenced by powerful feminine energy.

Got enough clues to chew on for a while? If you need more, give yourself the luxury of your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Every January 1, many people make New Year's resolutions, promising to embark on programs of self-improvement. But your assignment now, should you choose to accept it, is to create a list of ANTI-resolutions.

Here are some questions to guide you: 1. What outlandish urges and controversial tendencies do you promise to cultivate in the coming months? 2. What nagging irritations will you ignore and avoid with even greater ingenuity? 3. What problems do you promise to exploit in order to have even more fun as you make the status quo accountable for its corruption? 4. What boring rules and traditions will you thumb your nose at, paving the way for exciting encounters with strange attractors?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells.