Soon the Lord will return and handpick 144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the Lord's brain 24/7. And get this: YOU will be one of the 144,000! APRIL FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to earth in the form of a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell's Kitchen part of New York City, and we're all living in Paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no 144,000 saints who'll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week will be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new perk.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:

a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you're not greedy or grasping.

b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you've already achieved them.

c. Whatever you're longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It's not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.

d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn't foresee.

Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.