What were those square LED devices that suddenly appeared at random outdoor locations around nine American urban areas in January? They turned out to be the main ingredients of a silly promotional campaign for the TV show "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." The citizens of New York, L. A., Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia took the prank in stride, but Boston officials saw it as a terrorist threat. Is it any coincidence that this horoscope column, Free Will Astrology, has long appeared in newspapers published in all the above cities except Boston? I think not. It's evidence that the advice contained herein raises intelligence levels and helps users know the difference between real and imagined threats. So maybe you'll believe me when I tell you, Cancerian, that the only threat you face right now is from the part of you that thinks a certain imagined threat is real.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The dangers of excessive politeness are perfectly exemplified in the medieval legend of Parzival, Arthur's purest knight. His quest for the Holy Grail leads him to a castle where he is welcomed by a wounded lord. At dinner, a mysterious bowl captivates Parzival's attention. He's dying to know more about it, but he holds his tongue. His training as a knight has taught him that it's uncourteous to express too much curiosity.

Tragically, he doesn't realize that he has arrived at the very place where his quest could be satisfied. The wounded lord is actually the fisher king, the marvelous bowl is the Grail, and he is being presented with a magical test. The test consists of a simple task: to ask about the bowl. Because Parzival fails to do so, the king doesn't reveal the secret and doesn't give him the Grail.

The next morning, Parzival wakes up to find the castle empty, and he leaves having missed the very opportunity he wanted most.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. I'll be performing the soundtrack for PRONOIA in San Francisco on Wednesday, March 28. Come see me and sign my Slam Book.