You're a little off-kilter and out-of-whack these days, Gemini. Don't worry about it. It's a natural response to recent plot twists. Fortunately, there is a medicine you can get that will fix you up pretty quickly. All you have to do is spend quality time in nature. One long hike should be enough, though to be absolutely sure you flush the psychic parasites that have been messing with you, two long hikes would be better. To aid in the exorcism and healing, I suggest that you also sing songs and shout out crazy ideas while wandering in the great outdoors. And if you can't escape to the wild places, at least have a picnic in a park.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day.
Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.
Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs.
Think of the last place on earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there.
Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.
Track down people who are impossible to love, and love them defiantly without expecting anything in return.
Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire.
Fantasize you're the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.
Once a year, say these words into a mirror: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.