Does the curse "goddamn it" fly out of your mouth every time you stub your toe or misplace your keys? Do you know the brand names of ten different beers but have trouble remembering any of the Ten Commandments? Do you sometimes undress people in your imagination without their permission? If so, says the Weekly World News, you're going to hell when you die many years from now. There is, however, a tiny chance you can begin some atonement now that will cancel out the karma from the above-named sins and stave off eternal damnation. APRIL FOOL! The acts I named aren't sins, and besides, there's no such thing as hell. However, it's true that this is a good time to seek forgiveness and try to correct old mistakes.

For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week. *

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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.