The Televisionary Oracle

is brought to you by

the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail

Purveyors of primordial gossip

Lobbyists for the Cackling Vulture Goddess

Sponsors of the Dream of the Month Club

Organizers of Zen Pride Week

Trainers of the sacred janitors of The Eater of Cruelty

The world's first think tank

for single mothers

and hedonistic midwives

A pack of anonymous celebrities

that conducts secret performances

designed to burn heaven to the ground

A multinational corporate band of guerrilla builders

fighting to stave off apocalypse

by erecting a global network of menstrual huts

A media coven

working to prevent the genocide of the imagination

As you glide closer towards invoking the exact intimacy you need, we'd like to offer you a few love spells.

1. While standing in a mud puddle and hugging yourself, dissolve a four-leaf clover on your tongue and visualize yourself riding piggyback on the one you love.

2. Draw a picture of copulating hummingbirds on a dollar bill and then tape it to a road sign on a street with a sexy name.

3. While standing on top of a mobile home wearing all red clothes, hurl a stolen meteorite as far as you can as you shout out the name of your beloved.

4. Using green food dye, write your initials and those of your beloved on a cake, then bury it in the woods along with your favorite book from childhood.

5. Forget all about trying to glom on to your perfect mate and instead make yourself into a perfect mate.

The doctor is sick.

Mommy needs some mothering.

The fire truck is on fire

and the therapist is crazy.

But don't worry.

The Televisionary Oracle is here

to help you use your nightmares

to become rich and famous.