Why is it so important to the future of daffodils and sea urchins and the jet stream that childbirth be shown regularly in prime time?

What is the best way for you to undo the black magic you've performed on yourself?

What exactly do we mean when we predict that hedonistic midwives will one day rule the world?

Why are we so sure that sooner or later each of us will be a well-rounded incredibly kind extremely wealthy genius with lots of leisure time and an orgiastic feminist conscience? As you bask here in the sanctuary of the Televisionary Oracle all will become puzzlingly clear.

Congratulations, beauty and truth fans, for the courage you've shown by throwing yourself into our sacred chaos. The celebration you've joined is scheduled to last for twenty-two years, or until you undo the black magic you've practiced against yourself-whichever comes first.

Whether you've chosen to approach your ecstatic falling apart through dream incubation, accessing your inner child's pet dragon, or talking about your problems until you've talked them to death, we're sure you'll find your time here at the Televisionary Oracle to be the most rewarding vacation you've ever had.

We trust that you've all done the recommended preparations before launching into your initiation. For best results, you should be in the third day of your fast. You should have used a chainsaw to destroy any belonging that has made you feel you're better than other people. And you should have done a meditation to implant simulated memories of great happiness right around your second birthday, the moment our research has determined is the critical turning point in developing trust forever.

Later, after the opening festivities, you'll be invited to find a comfortable place in your personal dream incubation temple. There a vision will come to you during sleep, perhaps in the form of a visit by a god or goddess, perhaps in the form of a dream of some deed or mission which you must accomplish in order for your healing to take place. Whatever divine prod you receive, we urge you to translate it expeditiously into some action that will change your waking life forever.

One thing before we start. As the Televisionary Oracle begins to pour into you, fight it off-just a little. Flex your willpower to see if you can resist its delicious onslaught. Not to the point of keeping it out, of course, but enough so that you feel confidence in your ability to take only what you need from us. Why? Because as much as we believe you will benefit from becoming one with our lyrical and restorative propaganda, it's just not healthy for you to surrender blindly to anyone's infomania.

Now we're ready to go to work on the solution to your spiritual emergency. To begin, release yourself into the emotions of the following affirmation:

I will interpret every experience in my life as a dealing of the Goddess with my soul.