The Televisionary Oracle

calls on

the spiritually suave,

erotically playful,

ironically tender,

divinely blasphemous

workers of the world

to seize the means of production

and use it to abolish all need for meaningless work.

This public service announcement

has been brought to you by

the smell of wet fox fur,

vanilla-scented candles burning in a cave,

and the soil of a Vermont garden just after the autumn harvest.

Although you'll never find an advertisement for Coke or Nike within the hallowed confines of the Televisionary Oracle, you will find lots of hype for more spiritual commodities, like disciplined freedom, orgiastic lucidity, and lusty compassion. Our flackery may be more sacred and uplifting than all the other hucksters out there, but the fact remains that we're still trying to coax you to "buy" our ideas.

There is one difference in our approach, however. We don't want you to become addicted to your need for the Televisionary Oracle. In fact, our ability to sell you our miracles depends on you being joyously rooted in the most ferocious self-protective instincts of your own free will.

With this in mind, we invite you now to participate in the Televisionary Oracle Sellathon. All you have to do is commune with the seven sexy oracles below, then choose the one that best suits your special needs at this unique moment. Tell us your decision at , and we will arrange with the Fates to administer it with love and grace.

ORACLE #1: The word "imagination" doesn't get much respect. For many people, it connotes "make-believe," the province of children and artists. But in fact, imagination is the most important asset you possess; it's the power to form mental pictures of things that don't exist yet. As such, it's what you use to shape your future. Some people, alas, are lazy about using this magical power. They allow their imaginations to fill up with trashy images that are at odds with their deepest desires, and their incoherent lives reflect that. Other folks are very disciplined about what images they entertain in their imaginations. They tend to attract exactly what they need. What about you? How will you use your treasure in the months and years to come?

ORACLE #2: We hesitate to compare you to a nimble-fingered, sensitive-eared thief, but there's no better choice of metaphor: The task you have ahead of you bears a resemblance to picking a lock in the dark. Of course the treasure that's sealed away from you is actually yours, so it won't exactly be like stealing. Still, you won't be able to reclaim it with a forthright, no-nonsense approach. You'll have to be daring and delicate at the same time.

ORACLE #3: As an alternative to the oppressively stern, partially outmoded Ten Commandments, we have developed the Ten Suggestions. The First Suggestion is "Wash your own brain once a year -- whether it needs it or not." There's no better time than now for you to heed this advice. The toxic build-up of junky thoughts in your grey matter has reached critical levels. One good thing about the Ten Suggestions -- which distinguishes them from the Ten Commandments -- is that they work by inducing your laughter instead of your fear. Guffawing loud and strong about your own shortcomings, for instance, is an excellent brain-cleanser.

ORACLE #4: In one of your past lives you were the genius who invented Pig Latin. In another, you were a nun who was expelled from your monastic order for wearing crotchless habits, whereupon you became an itinerant saleswoman of religious sex toys. In yet another incarnation you were the world's foremost collector of antique candy wrappers. All the talents you developed way back then will come in very handy as you meet the slippery challenges ahead.

ORACLE #5: Is the cosmos a great soulless machine? Is it a product of blind forces which just happen, through a prodigious number of stupendous accidents, to have conjured up the infinite web of miracles that surrounds us for billions of light years in every direction? Or is it more likely that the cosmos is the soulful "body" of a vast intelligence that lovingly micromanages every intricate detail of its unfoldment -- an intelligence too colossal for our tiny brains to perceive, let alone conceive? We're sure you can guess our answer to that question. But we'd prefer to let you come up with your own. And there's no better time to do that than now. You're scheduled to catch a glimpse of the biggest picture you've ever been privileged to behold.

ORACLE #6: Do you know the distinction between actual compassion and idiot compassion? The idiot kind is the short-term fix we offer a suffering person in order to console him, even though it might encourage him to keep doing what brought on his pain. Authentic compassion, on the other hand, might at first seem severe -- as when we refuse to buy into someone's habitual tendency to portray himself as a victim. If done lovingly, though, this more strenuous kindness serves as a wake-up call. We bring this up because you're now in a phase when actual compassion -- though not the idiot kind -- will reap richly selfish benefits for you.

ORACLE #7: Thinking of whipping up your very own moral code? Keep these guidelines in mind as you do: 1) A moral system is immoral unless it can survive without a devil; and unless it prescribes rebellion against automaton-like behavior offered in its support. 2) A moral system grows ugly if it doesn't perpetually adjust its reasons for being true. 3) A moral system becomes murderous unless it's built on a love for the sacredness of the vowels and the inscrutability of the consonants. 4) A moral system will corrupt its users unless it ensures that their primary motivation in being good is to have fun.

The Televisionary Oracle

is brought to you by

the reverie that inspired Blaise Pascal to murmur

"When one does not love too much, one does not love enough."