If you dream of a three-legged dog

nipping at your leg just in time

to nudge you clear of a flowerpot

that has fallen off a third-story window sill,

it means

a dormant part of your genius is waking up.

If you dream you're a mute, wheelchair-bound princess

who inherits the war-torn crown of Slavonia

when your father dies

during rough sex with your stepmother,

the evil queen Katarina,

a terribly ambitious former prostitute,

it means

that in your waking life

you should seek out some high-quality boredom.

If you dream of having fat cells

from your butt

injected in your forehead

to smooth out the wrinkles

it means

you should go outside at night

and spit in the direction

of the heavenly body that's responsible

for the star-crossed fate you want to escape.

If you dream of gangs of wealthy feminists

fomenting sex riots

in order to liberate the political force

of the female orgasm,

it means

you're ready to master the art of thinking with your heart.

If you dream that you are naked

in front of a large crowd

and crying out, "Help me, mommy,"

it means

you should commune more

with the Televisionary Oracle.

We can't decide whether you remind us more of Captain Ahab in his mad pursuit of Moby Dick or Sir Galahad in his pure-hearted search for the Grail. Sometimes you seem irrationally obsessed with an unworthy quarry that brings out dark though creative sides of your nature. Other times your struggle appears to be a holy quest that's forcing you to access the wild, smart goodness that is your birthright. We suppose it's possible that both are true. Maybe that's exactly the point.

The Televisionary Oracle

is brought to you by

the salt water in your blood

the medicine in your tears

and

the lightning in your brain.