Think globally,

but act locally.

Plan for the future,

but act in the present.

Dream of all the masterpieces you'd be thrilled to create,

but work on just one at a time.

Lust for every enticing soul you see,

but only make love to the imperfect beauty you're actually with.

Allow yourself to be flooded

with every last feeling that bubbles up from your subconscious,

but understand that only a very few of these feelings

need to be forcefully expressed.

Be passionately attuned

to all the injustices and hypocrisies you see around you,

but be selective when choosing which of those you will actually fight.

Live forever,

but die a little each day.

Watch the Televisionary Oracle,

but be the Televisionary Oracle.

Dear beauty and truth fans, please remember that you are always in control. While communing with the Televisionary Oracle, you are the chief programmer. You decide which songline to tiptoe along. You decide which wormhole to shimmy through.

Now take a look at our selection of Drivetime spectaculars, and choose the one that tickles your kundalini best.

Menarche for Men. For the first time in more than six thousand years, members of the male gender get to plunge into the shamanic fun that comes from being dead and alive at the same time.

Mary Magdalen's Monster Truck Rally and Tantric Cryfest. Saintly voluptuaries get doped up on poignant eros and whirl their souped-up pick-ups around hundred-foot-tall scarecrows of Persephone, Queen of the Underworld.

Do What You Fear Orgy. First, you make a list of the one hundred things you're most afraid of. Next, you rate them from one to one hundred in order of how badly they scare you. Then you agree to stop worrying about the bottom ninety-five fears because they just distract you from the five really interesting ones. Finally, you conquer those top five fears -- by doing them.

Destroy the News. Sacred newzak, weather, and sports channeled live from menstruating shamans who're dedicated to annihilating the pathological obsessions of the mass media in the kindest way possible.

A Feminist Man's Guide to Picking Up Women. Self-help book from one of the Drivetime's most macho feminists.

Get Out the Guilt Binge. Write a list of each source of your remorse. Then compose an atonement and give a gift to each person on that list whom you've wronged. Next, write a love letter and give a gift to yourself, forgiving all your sins. Finally, eat the list.

Sex Riots. Travel with our roving band of Sex Rioters to Tadzhikistan, Albania, Malaysia, and many other hotbeds of phallocratic repression. Simply sit back and enjoy the uproar, or join right in in stirring up some erotic agitation.

The Archetypes Are Mutating: The Heroine with a Thousand Ruses. The autohagiography of a close personal friend of the Sly Universal Virus with No Fucking Opinion.

Brag Therapy Marathon. Brag about yourself willfully and wildly, stopping only to provoke nods of agreement, either in front of a mirror or in the company of companions who won't hold it against you.

The Kundalini Pledge Drive. A telethon designed to mobilize the SHAKTI that has been groggy for more than six thousand years. (Also known as witchy dragon gumbo, pearly crone thunder, or riot grrrl orgone.) The goal: to pave the way for the celebration of Twenty-Two Hours of World Orgasm.

Homework

Write an essay on at least two of the following topics:

"How I Used My Nightmares to Become Rich and Famous"

"How I Exploited My Problems to Become Sassy and Savvy"

"How I Fed and Fed and Fed My Monsters

Until They Ate Themselves to Death"

"How I Turned Envy, Resentment, and Smoldering Anger

into Generosity, Compassion, and Fiery Success"

"Why Perfection Sux"