In my astrological opinion, your life in the coming days should draw inspiration from the ancient Roman festival of Saturnalia, a six-day bout of revelry that encouraged everyone to indulge in pleasure, speak freely, and give gifts. Your imminent future could (and I believe should) also have resemblances to the yearly Doo Dah Parade in Pasadena, which features a farcical cavalcade of lunatics, like the Shopping Cart Drill Team, The Radioactive Chicken Heads, the Army of Toy Soldiers, and the Men of Leisure Synchronized Nap Team. In other words, Aries, it's an excellent time to set aside your dignity and put an emphasis on having uninhibited fun; to amuse yourself to the max as you experiment on the frontiers of self-expression; to be the person you would be if you had nothing to lose.

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How's your fight for freedom going? Are you making progress in liberating yourself from your unconscious obsessions, bad habits, and conditioned responses? For assistance and inspiration, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Welcome to the Beauty and Truth Lab.

We're coming to you live from your repressed memories of paradise, reminding you that you can have anything you want if you will just ask for it in an unselfish way.

Welcome to the end of your nightmares, beauty and truth fans!

The world is young, your soul is free, and a naked celebrity is dying to talk to you about your most intimate secrets right now.

Just kidding.

In fact, the world is young, your soul is free, and at any moment you will feel a flood of ecstatic compassion for salamanders, oak trees, clouds, toasters, convenience store clerks, and even the ocean itself.

I'm your host.

My name is the Sacred Janitor at the Edge of Time, and I'm proud to announce that this is a perfect moment.

It's a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because you are on the verge of finally figuring out exactly what it is you really want more than anything else . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

It's time to Reinvent the Wheel and Rediscover Fire, Taurus. In my astrological opinion, you'll be wasting your time unless you return to the root of all your Big Questions. Every important task will mandate you to consult your heart's primal intelligence. So don't mess around with trivial pleasures or transitory frustrations that won't mean anything to you a year from now. Be a mature wild child in service to the core of your creative powers.

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Assume that your drive to experience pleasure isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day. For inspiration in practicing this approach, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter.

And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where it's impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be.

That's why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.

Hear this meditation.

Writing in The Futurist magazine, Christopher Wolf says that the tradition of eating three hearty meals per day is fading and will eventually disappear. "Grazing" will be the operative term for how we get our fill, similar to the method used by cavemen and cavewomen. The first snack after we awaken, Wolf suggests, might be called "daystart." The ensuing four could be dubbed "pulsebreak," "humpmunch," "holdmeal" and "evesnack." In light of your current astrological omens, Gemini, I endorse a comparable approach to everything you do: not a few big doses, but rather frequent smaller doses; not intense cramming but casual browsing; not sprawling heroic epics but a series of amusing short stories.

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"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show." So begins Charles Dickens' novel David Copperfield. I'd like to inspire you to write a story of your own that begins like that. For help, tune into your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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We're explorers in search of the ever-evolving truth, not authorities proclaiming doctrine from on high. We refuse to be salespeople intent on getting you to be like us or buy our ideas. In fact, let's look at the downsides of the perspectives we celebrate.

The first thing you should consider before leaping into a relationship with pronoia is that it is utterly at odds with conventional wisdom. The 19th-century poet John Keats said that if something is not beautiful, it is probably not true. But the vast majority of modern storytellers -- journalists, filmmakers, novelists, talk-show hosts, and poets -- assert the opposite: If something is not ugly, it is probably not true.

In a world that equates pessimism with acumen and regards stories about things falling apart as having the highest entertainment value, pronoia is deviant. It is a taboo so taboo that it's not even recognized as a taboo . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

The RIKEN Institute in Japan experiments with using ion beams to enhance plant growth. In one notable case, they created a new breed of cherry tree that blossoms four times a year and produces triple the amount of flowers. The blooms last longer, too, and the trees thrive under a wider span of temperatures. In the next eleven months, Cancerian, you won't need to be flooded with ion beams to experience a similar phenomenon. I expect that your power to bloom and flourish will be far stronger than usual.

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I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world? For inspiration in this noble effort, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Many of us are essentially asleep, even as we walk around in broad daylight. We're so focused on the restless narratives and repetitive fantasies unfurling in our heads that we only dimly perceive the larger story raging in all of its chaotic beauty around us.

To have any hope of permanently breaking out of our fuzzy trance, we require regular shocks. A single jolt might cause us to briefly come to attention and see the miracle of creation for what it is, but once the red alert has passed, we relax back into our fixation on the dreamy tales our mind never stops telling us.

In the course of its conspiracy to shower us with blessings, life does its best to provide us with a steady flow of healing shocks. But because it tends to err on the side of tenderness, its prods may be too gentle, allowing us to ignore them. Gradually, life will up the ante, trying to find the right mix of toughness and love, as it encourages us to WAKE UP!

But our addiction to the phantasmagoria is tenacious. The stream-of-conscious narratives and ever-bubbling fantasies, even when they're racked with torment and terror, are perversely entertaining. And so we may avoid responding to the kind shocks for so long that life finally has to resort to stronger medicine. Then we might get sick or lose our job or muck up our closest relationship.

It doesn't have to be that way. We could cultivate in ourselves a sixth sense for the wake-up calls life sends us. We might develop a knack for responding with agile grace to the early, gentler ones so that we wouldn't have to be visited by the more stringent measures . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

Leo actor Robert DeNiro once observed that most people devote more energy to concealing their emotions and longings than to revealing them. Is that true about you? If so, the coming weeks will be a favorable time to hide less of yourself and express more. There'll be relatively little hell to pay as a result, and you'll get a boost of vitality. Don't go overboard, though. I'm not suggesting that you unveil every last one of your feelings and yearnings to everyone -- just to those you trust. Most importantly, I hope you will unveil all your feelings and yearnings to yourself.

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All of creation loves you very much. Even now, people you know and people you don't know are collaborating to make sure you have all you need to make your next smart move. But are you willing to start loving life back with an equal intensity? The adoration it offers you has not exactly been unrequited, but there is room for you to be more demonstrative. For help in cultivating this approach, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Breathe sweetly and deeply. As you inhale, remember that the calcium in your bones and the iron in your blood were originally created at the core of a red giant star that died billions of years ago.

As you exhale, allow your perfect animal body to gentle explode with luminous gratitude. Feel streams of orgiastic compassion flowing out of your wild heart in spiral hallelujahs . . . .

Hear the rest of this meditation.

It has almost become a tradition: Each year at about this time, you seem to enjoy scaring the hell out of yourself, and often the heaven, too. These self-inflicted shocks have often had a beneficial side effect. They have served as rousing prompts for you to re-imagine the future. They have motivated and mobilized you. So yes, there has been an apparent method in your madness -- an upside to the uproar. What should we expect this time, my dear? A field trip to a crack house or a meth lab? Some fun and games in a pit of snakes? An excursion to the land of bad memories? I suggest something less melodramatic. How about, for example, a frolic with unruly allies in a future paradise that's still a bit unorganized?

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What are the obvious secrets you can't quite see? How could you turn your challenges into daily gifts for yourself? For clues to mysteries like these, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Help Wanted: We are looking for a benevolent troublemaker of any gender to serve as a model for a statue of the Egyptian goddess of justice, Maat. You must be willing to sit on a lion, wear ostrich feathers, and hold a sword aloft for long hours.

Your thighs should be strong and you should be able to make your eyes be wild with the desire to stir up both balance and mercy everywhere you go. Ideally, you are in a phase of your personal life when you are sincerely angry about all forms of injustice, even those that don't directly affect you your own interests. Scrupulous curiosity is also a plus.

Hear this meditation.

Before grapes become wine, they have to be cleaned. Then crushed. Then macerated and pressed. The next phase is fermentation, followed by filtering. The aging process, which brings the grapes' transformation to completion, requires more time than the other steps. At the end, there's one more stage: putting the wine in bottles. I'd like to compare the grapes' evolution to the story of your life since your last birthday. You are nearing the end of the aging phase. When that's finished, I hope you put great care into the bottling. It's as important as the other steps.

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Grace emerges in the ebb and flow, not just the flow. The waning reveals a different blessing than the waxing. Where are you in the great cycle of your life? For inspiration in figuring it all out, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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We are waking up.

As heaven and earth come together, as the dreamtime and daytime merge, we register the shockingly exhilarating fact that we are in charge -- you and I are in charge -- of creating a brand new world. Not in some distant time or faraway place, but right here and right now.

If you do not bring the genius within you, it will destroy you. But if you do bring forth the genius within you, it will free you.

As we stand on this brink, as we dance on this verge, we cannot let the ruling fools of the dying world sustain their curses. We have to rise up and fight their insane logic; defy, resist, and prevent their tragic magic; erupt with our sacred rage and supercharge it.

But overthrowing the living dead is not enough. Protesting the well-dressed monsters is not enough. We can't afford to be consumed with our anger; can't be obsessed and possessed by their danger.

Our mysterious bodies crave delight and fertility. Our ancient imaginations demand fresh tastes of infinity.

In the new world we're creating, we need lusty compassion and ecstatic duty, ingenious love and insurrectionary beauty. radical curiosity and reverent pranks, voracious listening and ferocious thanks . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

Are you gearing up to promote yourself and your services? In my astrological opinion, you should be. If so, you could put the following testimonial from me in your résumé or advertisement: "[place your name here] is a poised overseer of nerve-wracking transitions and a canny scout who is skilled at tracking down scarce resources. He/she can help you acquire the information and enhancements you don't quite have the power to get by yourself. When conditions are murky or perplexing, this plucky soul is enterprising and inventive."

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Whether it's your time to ferment in the shadows or sing in the sun, fresh power to transform yourself is on the way. Life always delivers the creative energy you need to change into the new thing you must become. For more help in understanding it all, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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All I ask of you: Be my slow-motion dance. Be my birthday earthquake. Be my spiral marble staircase in the middle of a Vermont meadow. Be my handstand on a barstool, my whirlwind week in clown school, my joke shared with a Siberian shaman while shopping for T-shirts at Sears. Be my last because . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

Your eyes are more powerful than you realize. If you were standing on a mountaintop under a cloudless night sky with no moon, you could see a fire burning 50 miles away. Your imagination is also capable of feats that might surprise you. It can, for example, provide you with an expansive and objective view of your entire life history. I advise you to seek that boost now. Ask your imagination to give you a prolonged look at the big picture of where you have been and where you are going. I think it's essential to your discovery of the key to the next chapter of your life story.

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You can learn to be lucky. It's not a mystical force you're born with, but a habit you can develop. How? For starters, be open to new experiences, trust your gut wisdom, expect good fortune, see the bright side of challenging events, and master the art of maximizing serendipitous opportunities. For more help, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words," said Terence McKenna, "and that if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish."

Here's my version of that hypothesis: What world you end up living in depends at least in part on your use of language.

Do you want to move and breathe amidst infertile chaos where nothing makes sense and no one really loves anyone? Then speak with unconscious carelessness, expressing yourself lazily. Constantly materialize and entertain angry thoughts in the privacy of your own imagination, beaming silent curses out into eternity.

Or would you prefer to live in a realm that's rich with fluid epiphanies and intriguing coincidences and mysterious harmonies? Then be discerning and inventive in how you speak, primed to name the unexpected codes that are always being born right in front of your eyes. Turn your imagination into an ebullient laboratory where the somethings you create out of nothings are tinctured with the secret light you see in your dreams of invisible fire . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

Love is your gritty but sacred duty. It's your prickly prod and your expansive riddle, your curious joy and your demanding teacher. I'm talking about the whole gamut, Capricorn -- from messy personal romantic love to lucid unconditional spiritual love; from asking smartly for what you desire to gratefully giving more than you thought you had. Can you handle this much sweet, dark mystery? Can you grow your intimacy skills fast enough to keep up with the interesting challenges? I think you can.

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Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbors a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things? For inspiration, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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I want to be free
in the mystery of love
I want to be wild
when the world begins again
I want to wake up and listen
Be in love with my life and death
and I want you to be there with me

I want all the children
to have enough to eat
I want all the angry men
to destroy their own pain
I want us all to be happy
and crazy and safe and real
I want everybody to be loved

Hear this meditation.

There's an eclipse of the moon coming up in the sign of Aquarius. Will it bring bad luck or good luck? Ha! That's a trick question. I threw it in to see if you have been learning anything from my efforts to redeem astrology's reputation. Although some misinformed people regard my chosen field as a superstitious pseudo-science, I say it's an imaginative art form that helps us identify and transform our subconscious patterns. So the wise answer to my earlier question is that the imminent lunar eclipse is neither bad luck nor good luck. Rather, it tells you that have more power than usual to: 1. tame and manage the disruptive and destructive aspects of your instinctual nature; 2. make progress in dissolving your old conditioning; 3. become more skilled at mothering yourself.

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When they say "Be yourself," which self do they mean? Certainly not the self that wants to win every game and use up every resource and stand alone at the end of time on a mountain of pretty garbage. So which self is it? For guidance, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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When an old tree in the rain forest dies and topples over, it takes a long time to decompose. As it does, it becomes host to new saplings that use the decaying log for nourishment.

Picture yourself sitting in the forest gazing upon this scene. How would you describe it? Would you dwell on the putrefaction of the fallen tree while ignoring the fresh life sprouting out of it? If you did that, you’d be imitating the perspective of many modern storytellers, especially the journalists and novelists and filmmakers and producers of TV dramas. They devoutly believe that tales of affliction and mayhem and corruption and tragedy are inherently more interesting than tales of triumph and liberation and pleasure and ingenuity.

The German actor Udo Kier summed up the general consensus in an interview he did a few years ago. "Evil has no limit," he sneered, blustering like a naughty genius. "Evil has no limit. Good has a limit. Good is not as interesting as evil."

Two hundred years ago the poet John Keats said that if something is not beautiful, it is probably not true. But Udo Kier and his many compatriots disagree with Keats. With one voice, they imply that if something is not ugly, it is not true . . . .

Hear or read the rest of this meditation.

August is Good Hard Labor Month for you Pisceans. It's one of those rare times when a smart version of workaholic behavior might actually make sense. Why? First of all, it could ultimately lead to a pay raise or new perks. Secondly, it may bring to light certain truths about your job that you've been unconscious of. Third, it could awaken you to the fact that you haven't been trying as hard as you could to fulfill one of your long-term dreams; it might expand your capacity to devote yourself passionately to the epic tasks that matter most. For your homework, please meditate on this thought: Summoning your peak effort in the little things will mobilize your peak effort for the Big Thing.

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Take inventory of the extent that "No" dominates your life. Notice how often you say or think: 1. "That's not right." 2. "I don't like that." 3. "I don't agree with that." 4. "They don't like me." 5. "I'm not very good." 6. "That should be different from what it is." For help in retraining yourself to say "Yes!" at least 51% of the time, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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You taste delicious
Animals understand you
Your importance is unusual

The funny faces you make
are interesting to look at
You fight for power in all the right ways

Ecstatic gratitude is pouring out of you
I see the best in you
Your divine attitude

You have strong feet and a pioneer heart

No one can overflow as well as you can

You are famous with God
You are famous with me
You are famous with the snakes and birds
and roses and pines
and oceans and earth and sky

A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil

You remind me of a star

Hear this meditation.