By my estimates, 72 percent of you Aries are in unusually good moods. The world seems friendlier, more cooperative. Fifty-six percent of you feel more in love with life than you have in a long time. You may even imagine that the birds and trees and stars are flirting with you. I'm also guessing that 14 percent of you are weaving in and out of being absurdly, deliriously happy, sometimes without any apparent explanation. As a result of your generosity of spirit, you may be the recipient of seemingly impossible rewards like free money or toasted ice cream or unconditional tenderness. And I bet that at least ten percent of you are experiencing all of the above.

*

No one knows you better than you do, but maybe I can help you dig up even more self-knowledge. Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
You are potentially a genius. Maybe not in the same way that Einstein and Beethoven were, but still: You possess some exceptional capacity that is absolutely unique. You're a masterpiece unlike any other that has ever lived in the history of the world.

Furthermore, the precise instructions you need to ripen into your genius have always been with you, even from the time before you were born. In the words of psychologist James Hillman, you have a soul's code.

You might also call it the special mission you came to Earth to carry out; the divine blueprint that contains the open secret of how to be perfectly, unpredictably yourself; the master plan that is your heart's deepest desire.

Would you like help in deciphering it? The Divine Intelligence Formerly Known as God is always on call, ready to help. It's your birthright to ask Her a specific question every day about what you need to do next to express your soul's code; it's also your birthright to receive a response.

The divine revelation may not be as unambiguous as a little voice in your head. It might appear in the form of a TV commercial, an odd dream, or an encounter with a stranger. It could be demanding and difficult, delivering information you'd rather not have to deal with. Or it might show up as a clear and simple feeling of knowing exactly what to do, and it could be easy and fun.

What question will you ask the Divine Wow today?

I am launching a campaign to undo obsolete stereotypes about you Bulls. There are still backwards astrologers out there who perpetrate the lie that many of you are stingy, stolid, stubborn slowpokes. As an antidote, I plan to heighten everyone's awareness of your sensual, soulful sweetness, and your tastefully pragmatic sensitivity, and your diligent, dynamic productivity. That should be easy in the coming weeks, since you'll be at the height of your ability to express those superpowers. Luckily, people will also have an enhanced capacity to appreciate you for who you really are. It will be a favorable time to clarify and strengthen your reputation.

*

Wouldn't you love to learn more about who you really are? What better adventure is there than learning about your soul's code? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Thousands of amazing, inexplicable, wondrous, and even supernatural events occur every day. And yet most are unreported by the media. The few that are cited are ridiculed.

Why? Here's one possible reason: The people most likely to believe in miracles are superstitious, uneducated, and prone to having a blind, literalist faith in their religions' myths. Those who are least likely to believe in miracles are skilled at analytical thought, well-educated, and yet prone to having a blind, literalist faith in the ideology of materialism, which dogmatically asserts that the universe consists entirely of things that can be perceived by the five human senses or detected by instruments that scientists have thus far invented.

The media is largely composed of people from the second group. It's virtually impossible for them to admit to the possibility of miracles, let alone experience them. If anyone from this group manages to escape peer pressure and cultivate a receptivity to miracles, it's because they have successfully fought against being demoralized by the unsophisticated way miracles are framed by the first group.

At the Beauty and Truth Laboratory we're immune to the double-barreled ignorance. When we behold astonishing synchronicities and numinous breakthroughs that seem to violate natural law, we're willing to consider the possibility that our understanding of natural law is too narrow. And yet we also refrain from lapsing into irrational gullibility; we actively seek mundane explanations for apparent miracles.

Will Giovanni surreptitiously replace Allesandra's birth control pills with placebos? Will Camille take a hidden crowbar to her rendezvous with the blackmailer? Will Josie steal Jose's diary and sell it on eBay? Given the current astrological omens, you may have an unconscious attraction to soap opera-type events like those. The glamour of melodrama is tempting you. But I'm hoping and predicting that you will express the cosmic currents in less toxic ways. Maybe you'll hear a searing but healing confession after midnight in the pouring rain, for instance. Perhaps you'll break an outworn taboo with ingenious grace, or forge a fertile link with a reformed rascal, or recover a lost memory in a dusty basement.

*

I hope the oracle above provides you with the inspiration you need to do what you've got to do and change what needs to be changed. But if you need more clues, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE, where I go further in exploring your mysteries.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Celebrate Unhappy Hour at least once a month. During this ritual blowout, you have license to complain and rant about everything that's driving you crazy. Get a sympathetic listener to be your receptacle or deliver your blast straight into the mirror. If you prefer, write it all down. One way or another, grouse nonstop about your secret shame, raw sorrow, bottomless wrath, unspeakable guilt, and unnerving twists of destiny. Feel free to unleash guttural moans or rueful cackles.

If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins. Pronoia will then have a chance to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions.

To hear or read the rest of the Unhappy Hour ritual, go here.

All naturally-occurring matter on earth is composed of 92 basic elements arranged in various combinations. Since some of these appear in trace amounts, they took a long time for humans to discover. In the 18th and 19th centuries, chemists were exuberant when they tracked down seven of the 92 in a single location: an underground mine on the Swedish island of Ytterby. That small place was a mother lode. I'm predicting a metaphorically similar experience for you, Cancerian: new access to a concentrated source that will yield much illumination.

*

For more help in understanding your relationship with the game of life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Yua is a term the Yupiit people of Alaska use for the spirit that inhabits all things, both animate and inanimate. A rock, for instance, has as much yua as a caribou, spruce tree, or human being, and therefore merits the same measure of compassion. If a Yupiit goes out for a hike and spies a chunk of wood lying on a frozen river bank, she might pick it up and put it in a new position, allowing its previously hidden side to get fresh air and sun. In this way, she would bestow a blessing on the wood's yua.

The next four weeks will be an excellent time to upgrade your understanding of the important characters in your life. In fact, I suspect you will generate good fortune and meaningful synchronicities whenever you seek greater insight into anyone who affects you. Get to know people better, Leo! If there are intriguing acquaintances who pique your curiosity, find out more about them. Study the oddballs you're allergic to with the intention to discern their hidden workings. In general, practice being objective as you improve your skill at reading human nature.

*

Would you like further inspiration as you scheme and dream to make the most of life's sometimes puzzling opportunities? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
If you've ever watched The Simpsons TV show, you've probably heard Homer Simpson's favorite toast. "To alcohol," he proclaims, "the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." My own salute is different. "To the Divine Trickster formerly known as God," I say, "the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." Compose a prayer in which you simultaneously curse and thank the Primal Source.

In 1787, English captain Arthur Phillip led an eight-month naval expedition to the southeastern part of the continent now known as Australia. Upon arrival, he claimed the land for England, despite the fact that 250,000 Aboriginal people were living there, just as their ancestors had for 2,000 generations. Two hundred years later, an Aboriginal activist named Burnum Burnum planted the Aboriginal flag on the White Cliffs of Dover, claiming England for his people. I encourage you to make a comparably artful or symbolic act like Burnum's sometime soon, Virgo -- a ritual or gesture to assert your sovereignty or evoke a well-deserved reversal or express your unconquerable spirit.

*

What exactly are you looking for? How would you describe the experiences you want more than anything else? It's possible my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE could give you additional help in figuring that out.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
This is a perfect time for you to learn more about the difference between your fearful fantasies and your authentic, accurate intuitions.

Knowing the difference is one of the greatest spiritual powers you can possible have. So let's explore what it means: knowing the difference between the frightening, alienating pictures that sometimes pop into your imagination, as opposed the simple, warm, clear direction that is always available from the deepest source within you.

To hear or read the rest of the essay "Fear Versus Intuition,"go here.

The ancient Roman rhetorician Quintilian authored a twelve-volume textbook on the art of oratory. As ample as it was, it could have been longer. "Erasure is as important as writing," he said. According to my reading of the astrological omens, that counsel should be a rewarding and even exciting theme for you in the coming weeks. For the long-term health of your labor of love or your masterpiece, you should focus for a while on what to edit out of it. How could you improve it by making it shorter and more concise?

*

Want to hear more about the subconscious factors and hidden forces that may be influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
The English language is in a state of rapid ferment. New words are barging into the dictionary at an unprecedented rate, even as old familiars fall into disuse. There's one exception to this trend: profanity. Hoary favorites like "fuck," "shit," and "asshole" have gained an acceptance unthinkable 30 years ago, but fresh curse words are rarely coined.

At the Beauty and Truth Lab, we find the overused classics inadequate for expressing our evolving rage at injustice, ignorance, and ugliness. Furthermore, as deadening clichés, they don't satisfy the pronoiac mandate to use language with sonorous precision.

There's another problem. Anger has become one of the trendiest emotions of all. In moderation it can be a righteous force for constructive change. But its hackneyed omnipresence means the vast majority of its outbreaks are trivial. The paucity of colorful obscenities is aggravated by an abundance of frivolous fury.

How can you purge the clichéd ire that dilutes the useful, inspired stuff? One good method is to make fun of it by expressing it bigger than life. Try this. Go alone to a place where it's safe to feel blind rage. Envision a person or thing you love to hate, then unleash the following mantra 15 times in the most vulgar tones possible: "You miasmic heap of shaved-off cemetery warts. You mangled preen of politicians' tongue scabs. You brackish tripe of experts' ego tinkles. You fragile crap of orphaned tyrants. You demented cluster of fickle weasel vows. You curdled slosh of rotting fracas-spawned opinions."

Do you know about the long-running kids' show Sesame Street? Are you familiar with Big Bird, the talking eight-feet-tall yellow canary who's one of the main characters? I hope so, because your horoscope is built around them. In the Sesame Street episode called Don't Eat the Pictures, Big Bird solves a riddle that frees a 4,000-year-old Egyptian prince from an ancient curse. I think this vignette can serve as a model for your own liberation. How? You can finally outwit and outmaneuver a very old problem with the help of some playful, even child-like energy. Don't assume that you've got to be relentlessly serious and dour in order to shed the ancient burden. In fact, just the opposite is true. Trust blithe and rowdy spirits.

*

To further explore the ripening blessings and interesting challenges in your life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "He who is in love is wise and becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: "Love, love, love: That is the soul of genius."

Krishnamurti: "The problem, if you love it, is as beautiful as the sunset."

Henry David Thoreau: "There is no remedy for love but to love more."

Erica Jong: "Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more."

Your lessons in communication are reaching a climax. Here are five tips to help you do well on your "final exam." 1. Focus more on listening for what you need to know rather than on expressing what you already know. 2. Keep white lies and convenient deceptions to a bare minimum. 3. Tell the truth as strong and free as you dare, but always -- if possible -- with shrewd kindness. 4. You are more likely to help your cause if you spread bright, shiny gossip instead of the grubby kind. 5. Experiment with being unpredictable; try to infuse your transmissions with unexpected information and turns of phrase.

*

Need more whacks applied to your mental blocks? More caresses bestowed upon your growing edge? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Pronoia means that even if we can’t see and don’t know, primal benefactors are plotting to emancipate us. The winds and tides are on our side, forever and ever, amen. The fire and rain are scheming to steal our pain. The sun and moon know our real names, and the animals pray for us while we’re dreaming.

Do you believe in guardian angels and divine helpers? Whether you do or not, they’re always wangling to give you the gifts you don’t even realize you want. Can you guess how many humble humans are busy making things for you to use and enjoy?

The meaning of the Latin phrase crambe repetita is "cabbage reheated, twice-cooked." I urge you to avoid partaking of such a dish in the coming weeks, both literally and figuratively. If you're truly hungry for cooked cabbage, eat it fresh. Likewise, if you have a ravenous appetite for stories, revelations, entertainment, and information -- which I suspect you will -- don't accept the warmed-over, recycled variety. Insist on the brisk, crisp stuff that excites your curiosity and appeals to your sense of wonder.

*

Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Congratulations. Every cell in your perfect animal body is beginning to purr with luminous gratitude for the enormity of the riches you endlessly receive. You are becoming aware that each of your heart’s beats originates as a gift of love directly from the Goddess herself.

Any residues of hatred that had been tainting your libido are leaving you for good. You are becoming telepathically linked to the world’s entire host of secret teachers, pacifist warriors, philosopher clowns, and bodhisattvas disguised as convenience store clerks.

Here's your mantra for the next three weeks: "I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life." Say this out loud 11 times right after you wake up each morning, and 11 more times before lunch, and 11 more times at bedtime. "I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life." Whenever you do this little chant, summon an upflow of smiling confidence -- a serene certainty that no matter how long the magic might take, it will ultimately work. "I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life." Don't let any little voice in your head undermine your link to this simple truth. Lift your heart to the highest source of vitality you can imagine.

*

Would you like to hear me say some more about your ever-evolving destiny? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. The vast majority of everything is working with breathtaking efficiency and consistency.

Read or hear more about why this is true

"We cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever," writes Japanese novelist Haruki Murakami. "We must stand up and move on to the next action." That's your slightly scolding but ultimately inspirational advice, Pisces. According to my astrological analysis, you have done heroic work to identify and investigate your suffering. You have summoned a tremendous amount of intelligence in order to understand it and further the healing. But right now it's time to turn your focus to other matters. Like what? How about rebirth?

*

Need more help deciphering the riddles and enigmas that are fueling your amazing story? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
*
Conventional wisdom implies that the best problems are those that place you under duress. There's supposedly no gain without pain. Stress is allegedly an incomparable spur for calling on resources that have been previously unavailable or dormant. Nietzsche's aphorism, "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger," has achieved the status of an ultimate truth.

We half-agree. But it's clear that stress also accompanies many mediocre problems that have little power to make us smarter. Pain frequently generates no gain. We're all prone to become habituated, even addicted, to nagging vexations that go on and on without rousing any of our sleeping genius.

There is, furthermore, another class of difficulty -- let's call it the delightful dilemma -- that neither feeds on angst nor generates it. On the contrary, it's fun and invigorating, and usually blooms when you're feeling a profound sense of being at home in the world. The problem of writing this book is a good example. I've had a good time handling the perplexing challenges with which it has confronted me.

Imagine a life in which at least half of your quandaries match this profile. Act as if you're most likely to attract useful problems when joy is your predominant state of mind. Consider the possibility that being in unsettling circumstances may shrink your capacity to dream up the riddles you need most; that maybe it's hard to ask the best questions when you're preoccupied fighting rearguard battles against boring or demeaning annoyances that have plagued you for many moons.

Prediction: As an aspiring lover of pronoia, you will have a growing knack for gravitating toward wilder, wetter, more interesting problems. More and more, you will be drawn to the kind of gain that doesn't require pain. You'll be so alive and awake that you'll cheerfully push yourself out of your comfort zone in the direction of your personal frontier well before you're forced to do so by divine kicks in the ass.