"No regrets? Really?" asks author Richard Power. "I have regrets. They are sacred to me. They inform my character. They bear witness to my evolution. Glimpses of lost love and treasure are held inside of them; like small beautiful creatures suspended in amber." I think you can see where this horoscope is going, Aries. I'm going to suggest you do what Powers advises: "Do not avoid your regrets. Embrace them. Listen to their stories. Hold them to your heart when you want to remember the price you paid to become who you truly are." (Find more by Richard Power.)

Need more help in figuring out the questions life is asking you? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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On the downside, your addiction diverts your energy from a deeper desire that it superficially resembles. For instance, if you're an alcoholic, your urge to get loaded may be an inferior substitute for and a poor imitation of your buried longing to commune with spirit.

On the upside, your addiction is your ally, because it dares you to get strong and smart enough to wrestle free of its grip; it pushes you to summon the uncanny willpower necessary to defeat the darkness within you that saps your ability to follow the path with heart.

(P.S. Don't tell me you have no addictions. Each of us is addicted to some sensation, feeling, thought, or action, if not to an actual substance.)

Extol your sublime, painful addiction -- celebrate it to death. Ride it, spank it, kiss it, whip it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Urbandictionary.com says that the newly coined word "orgasnom" is what you call the ecstatic feelings you have as you eat especially delectable food. It's derived, of course, from the word "orgasm." According to my reading of the astrological omens, you are in an excellent position to have a number of orgasmic-like breakthroughs in the coming week. Orgasnoms are certainly among them, but also orgasaurals, orgasights, and orgasversations -- in other words, deep thrills resulting from blissful sounds, rapturous visions, and exciting conversations. I won't be surprised if you also experience several other kinds of beautiful delirium.

What fresh blessings will life bring you? What questions should you be asking? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Attention please. This is your ancestors speaking. We've been trying to reach you through your dreams and fantasies, but you haven't responded. That's why we've commandeered this space. So listen up. We'll make it brief. You're at a crossroads analogous to a dilemma that has baffled your biological line for six generations. We ask you now to master the turning point that none of us have ever figured out how to negotiate. Heal yourself and you heal all of us. We mean that literally. Start brainstorming, please.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

If you were about to run in a long-distance race, you wouldn't eat a dozen doughnuts. Right? If you were planning to leave your native land and spend a year living in Ethiopia, you wouldn't immerse yourself in learning how to speak Chinese in the month before you departed. Right? In that spirit, I hope you'll be smart about the preparations you make in the coming weeks. This will be a time to prime yourself for the adventures in self-expression that will bloom in late September and the month of October. What is it you want to create at that time? What would you like to show the world about yourself?

Want to explore this chapter of your life story even further? Dig deeper? Push harder? Consider tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES.

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See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The Constitution of the United States is the supreme law of the land. It's the foundation of the most politically powerful nation on the planet. And yet when it originally went into effect in 1789, it was only 4,543 words long -- about three times the length of this horoscope column. The Bill of Rights, enacted in 1791, added a mere 462 words. By contrast, India's Constitution is 117,000 words, more than 20 times longer. If you create a new master plan for yourself in the coming months, Cancerian -- as I hope you will -- a compact version like America's will be exactly right. You need diamond-like lucidity, not sprawling guesswork.

You're got more strength and intelligence than you realize. For help in accessing those untapped inner resources, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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To create a pearl, an oyster needs an aggravating parasite inside its shell. It builds layers of calcium carbonate around the invader, gradually fabricating the treasure. How long does it take from the initial provocation to the finished product? Five years for a pearl of average size, and as many as 10 years for a big one.

Our questions for you: How many years have you been engaged in the process of transforming your irritant into a masterpiece? How many more years do you think you still have to go?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

There are two scientific terms for tickling. "Knismesis" refers to a soft, feathery touch that may be mildly pleasurable. It can be used to display adoring tenderness. The heavier, deeper kind of tickling is called "gargalesis." If playfully applied to sensitive parts of the anatomy, it can provoke fun and laughter. Given the current planetary alignments, Leo, I conclude that both of these will be rich metaphors for you in the coming days. I suggest that you be extra alert for opportunities to symbolically tickle and be tickled. (P.S. Here's a useful allegory: If you do the knismesis thing beneath the snout of a great white shark, you can hypnotize it.)

How are you going to change what needs to be changed and accept what needs to be accepted? To get some support from me, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Ariel was going through a hard time. She'd been weaning herself from a painkiller she'd taken while recovering from surgery. Her cat ran away, and there was a misunderstanding at work. One night while at a nightclub with her friend Leila, she spied her ex-boyfriend kissing some woman. Meltdown ensued. Ariel fled the club and ran sobbing into the street, where she hurled her shoes on top of a passing bus.

Leila retrieved her and sat her down on a bench. "Because up until now you've displayed such exemplary grace in the face of chaos," Leila said, "I'm giving you a free Crazy Pass. It gives you a karma-free license to temporarily lose your mind." This compassionate humor helped Ariel feel more composed. The rest of the night she partied with elegant savagery, achieving major relief and release without hurting ­herself.

Now I'm awarding you, too, a free Crazy Pass. How will you use it?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In his "Song of the Open Road," Walt Whitman wrote some lyrics that I hope will provide you with just the right spark. Even if you're not embarking on a literal journey along a big wide highway, my guess is that you are at least going to do the metaphorical equivalent. "Henceforth I ask not good fortune -- I myself am good fortune," said Uncle Walt. "Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing. Strong and content, I travel the open road."

Sometimes it's a challenge to try to figure out what's important and what's not important. If you'd like more of my input, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Think about your relationship to human beings who haven't been born yet. What might you create for them to use? How can you make your life a gift to the future? Can you not only help preserve the wonders we live amidst, but actually enhance them? Keep in mind this thought from Lewis Carroll: "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Mystical poet St. John of the Cross (1542-1591) was one of Spain's greatest writers. But not all of his work came easily. When he was 35, a rival religious group imprisoned him for his mildly heretical ideas. He spent the next nine months in a ten-foot by six-foot jail cell, where he was starved, beaten, and tortured. It was there that he composed his most renowned poem, "Spiritual Canticle." Does that provide you with any inspiration, Libra? I'll make a wild guess and speculate that maybe you're in a tough situation yourself right now. It's not even one percent as tough as St. John's, though. If he could squeeze some brilliance out of his predicament, you can, too.

How well is your imagination working these days? Could it use a boost? A prod? A jolt of inspiration? Try tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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For years, I lived 13 miles from the top of Mt. Tamalpais, one of the highest peaks in the San Francisco Bay Area. Every day I gazed at it from afar through my window or while riding my bike in the hills, marveling as it glided through its ever-shifting relationship with the sky and seasons. It was a remote yet familiar beacon, an awe-inspiring touchstone against which I could measure my own undulating rhythms.

Eventually I moved to a new home at the foot of Mt. Tam. I felt as if I'd become part of it -- was embedded in its protective and majestic aura. It was no longer an objective gauge, but rather an intimate tone and texture in my subjective experience of myself.

Risk a comparable shift, from being there to being here; from outside to inside; from strength absorbed at a distance to power felt up close.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The American naturalist John Burroughs (1837-1921) traveled widely and wrote 23 books. "I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think," he testified, "all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." Let's make that longing for abundance serve as your rallying cry during the next two weeks, Scorpio. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you have a cosmic mandate to push to the limits -- and sometimes beyond -- as you satisfy your quest to be, see, and do everything you love to be, see, and do.

Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your unfolding destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Notice how you feel as you speak the following: "The strong, independent part of me resisted the embarrassing truth for a long time, but I finally came to accept that I'm someone who craves vast amounts of love. Ever since I surrendered to this need, it doesn't nag me all the time, as it used to. In fact, it feels comforting, like a source of sweetness that doesn't go away. I never thought I'd say this, but I've come to treasure the feeling of having a voracious yearning to be loved."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Punk icon Henry Rollins did an interview with Marilyn Manson, rock and roll's master of the grotesque. It's on Youtube. The comments section beneath the video are rife with spite and bile directed toward Manson, driving one fan to defend her hero. "I love Marilyn Manson so much that I could puke rainbows," she testified. I think you will need to tap into that kind of love in the coming days, Sagittarius: fierce, intense, and devotional, and yet also playful, funny, and exhilarating. You don't necessarily have to puke rainbows, however. Maybe you could merely spit them.

How much do you want to know about your life? How far do you dare to go in your quest for self-mastery? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Devote yourself to your heart's desire with unflagging shrewdness. Make it your top priority. Let no lesser wishes distract you. But consider this, too. You may sabotage even your worthiest yearning if you're maniacal in your pursuit of it.

Bear in mind the attitude described by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book Women Who Run with the Wolves: "All that you are seeking is also seeking you. If you sit still, it will find you. It has been waiting for you a long time."

Speculate on what exactly that would look like in your own life. Describe how your heart's desire has been waiting for you, seeking you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

If you want to know a secret, I talk less crazy to you Capricorns than I do to the other signs. I tone down my wild-eyed, goddess-drunk shape-shifting a bit. I rarely exhort you to don an animal costume and dance with the fairy folk in the woods, and I think the last time I suggested that you fall in love with an alien, angel, or deity was . . . never. So what's my problem? Don't you feel taboo urges and illicit impulses now and then? Isn't it true that like everyone else, you periodically need to slip away from your habitual grooves and tamper with the conventional wisdom? Of course you do. Which is why I hereby repeal my excessive caution. Get out there, Capricorn, and be as uninhibited as you dare.

Would you like to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Do you want to uncover the secrets you've been hiding even from yourself? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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For over two decades, Peter Jouvenal worked as a journalist and cameraman who filmed war-torn hot spots, including Iraq in the Gulf War and Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion. He eventually retired from that gig and bought a restaurant in Kabul. He has few regrets, but one came after the fall of the Taliban in 2001.

While exploring the organization's deserted safe houses, he happened upon a place where Osama bin Laden and his wife had recently lived. Among the items the couple left behind was one of her bras. In retrospect Jouvenal realized he should have pocketed the exotic piece of lingerie; a tabloid newspaper would have paid him a fortune for it. But because he had spent his entire career dealing with more mainstream news media that sought more respectable evidence, the idea didn't even occur to him until much later.

Was there ever a time when you were in such a deep trance, enthralled by your habits and belief system, that you failed to notice a valuable anomaly that popped up? How can you train yourself to be so alert that such a blunder won't happen again?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Germany's Ostwall Museum displayed a conceptual installation by the artist Martin Kippenberger. Valued at $1.1 million, it was called "When It Starts Dripping from the Ceiling." Part of it was composed of a rubber tub that was painted to appear as if it had once held dirty rainwater. One night while the museum was closed, a new janitor came in to tidy up the premises. While performing her tasks, she scrubbed the rubber tub until it was "clean," thereby damaging the art. Let this be a cautionary tale, Aquarius. It's important for you to appreciate and learn from the messy stuff in your life -- even admire its artistry -- and not just assume it all needs to be scoured and disinfected.

Do you wish you could get more clarity about the foggy, ambiguous situations you're dealing with? Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Imagine that you have been relieved of your responsibilities for a given time. They will be taken care of by people you trust. You won't have to work to make money during this grace period, but will be given all you need. Nor will you have to clean your house, wash your clothes, or buy and make your food. Now here's the big question: What will you do now that you are free to do anything you like?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In her novel White Oleander, Janet Fitch suggests that beauty is something to be used, "like a hammer or a key." That's your assignment, Pisces. Find practical ways to make your beauty work for you. For example, invoke it to help you win friends and influence people. Put it into action to drum up new opportunities and hunt down provocative invitations. And don't tell me you possess insufficient beauty to accomplish these things. I guarantee you that you have more than enough. To understand why I'm so sure, you may have to shed some ugly definitions of beauty you've unconsciously absorbed from our warped culture.

Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Would you like help in solving the riddles that confuse you? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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According to Jewish legend, there are in each generation 36 righteous humans who prevent the rest of us from being destroyed. Through their extraordinary good deeds and their love of the divine spark, they save the world over and over again. They're not famous saints, though. They go about their business anonymously, and no one knows how crucial they are to our well-being.

Might you be one of the 36? As a temporary experiment, act as if you are.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.