"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls," said comedian George Carlin. "There are mornings when your dreams are more real and important than your waking life," says my favorite dream worker. "There are times when the doctor isn't feeling well, and only his patient can cure him," says I. Now it so happens, Aries, that in the upcoming week, your life is likely to pass through an alternate reality where all three of the above conditions will prevail -- as well as other similar variants and mutations.

Do you wish you could get more clarity about the foggy, ambiguous situations you're dealing with? Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Plant orchids on a strip-mined hill. Sip holy water blessed by a smart teenage girl. Bear in mind that you are the Chosen One, and so is everyone else.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Hua Chi, a Buddhist monk in China, takes his devotions very seriously. For the last two decades he has performed as many as 3,000 prayers every single day in the same exact spot at his temple. Part of me admires his profound commitment, while part of me is appalled at his insane addiction to habit. It's great that he loves his spiritual work so deeply, but sad that he can't bring more imagination and playfulness to his efforts. I bring this up, Taurus, because I think it's a good time, astrologically speaking, for you to take inventory of the good things you do very regularly. See if you can inject more fun and inventiveness into them.

Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Would you like help in solving the riddles that confuse you? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Thank your mother for the pain she endured while birthing you. For three minutes on the first Friday of every month, close your eyes and imagine yourself riding a wild horse through a cemetery. Fantasize that your so-called "dark side" is sweet and creamy.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"To the scientist there is the joy in pursuing truth which nearly counteracts the depressing revelations of truth," said science fiction writer H. P. Lovecraft. The clear implication of this statement is that there's always a sense of loss that comes with discovering the way things really are. I protest this perspective. I boycott it. As proof that it's at least partially wrong, I offer up the evidence provided by your life in the days ahead. From what I can tell, the gratification that you feel while hunting down the truth will be substantial, and yet it will ultimately seem rather mild compared to the bliss that arrives when you find what you're looking for.

Need more help in figuring out the questions life is asking you? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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When you come home after a day of triumphs, take out the garbage. Dream you're a red-tailed hawk soaring over a shopping mall. Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

People listen when Eric Schmidt speaks. He's the CEO of Google, a company that has major power in shaping the future of information. In recent months he has been riffing on the disappearance of privacy. Because our lives are becoming interwoven with the Internet, he believes it will become increasingly hard to keep any secrets. "If you have something that you don't want anyone to know," he says, "maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place." This is especially true for you right now, Cancerian. In the coming weeks, I encourage you to maintain the highest standards of ethical behavior. The lucky thing about this situation is that news of the good deeds you do and smart moves you make are also likely to circulate far and wide.

What fresh blessings will life bring you? What questions should you be asking? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Visualize two versions of yourself, one male and one female, holding hands as they gaze into a reflection of the moon on a river. Keep an image of a sphinx with you at all times. Imagine you have a guardian angel who looks like Ellen Degeneres or Malcolm X.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Six years ago, a friend of mine came to believe she had died in a previous incarnation by being thrown off a horse. From that time on, she felt stuck. She became convinced that her life energy would remain in a state of suspended animation until she learned to feel comfortable on a horse. Fear kept her from even attempting that for a long time, but recently she got up the courage to begin. Her efforts were bumpy at first, but rapidly improved. As she gained confidence as a rider, every other aspect of her life bloomed, too -- just as she'd suspected. I think her experience could be useful for you to learn from in the coming months, Leo. What's your biggest, oldest fear? Is there anything you could do to start dissolving it?

Want to explore this chapter of your life story even further? Dig deeper? Push harder? Consider tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day. Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"I'm not confused," said poet Robert Frost. "I'm just well mixed." I would love that to be your motto in the coming weeks. You're entering a phase of your cycle when you should be extra curious about blending ingredients in new combinations. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that the cosmos will respond enthusiastically if you take steps to make yourself the embodiment of lush diversity. Celebrate complexity, Virgo! You will generate unexpected strokes of good fortune by experimenting with medleys and syntheses that appeal to the jaunty parts of your imagination.

You're got more strength and intelligence than you realize. For help in accessing those untapped inner resources, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs. Think of the last place on Earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there. Say these words and see how they feel: "Ever since I learned to see three sides to every story, I'm finding much better stories."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In addition to their standard offerings, the yoga teachers at Atlanta's Tough Love Yoga center (toughloveyoga.com) sometimes offer exotic variations. During their "Metal Yoga" classes, for instance, the soundtrack for their stretching and breathing exercises is heavy metal music. Here's their promise: "Melt your face off in a very relaxing, healing way." That's the spirit I'd like to see you bring to your life in the coming week: vehemently intense but tenderly curative; wickedly fierce but brilliantly rejuvenating.

How are you going to change what needs to be changed and accept what needs to be accepted? To get some support from me, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Once a year on the night before your birthday, say these words into a mirror: "It's bad luck to be superstitious." Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire. Fantasize you're the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

I would love to see you play with your food this week. And draw pictures on walls. And have conversations with winking statues and talking trees and magic toasters. I'll be thrilled, Scorpio, if you watch cartoons about furry animals outwitting maniacal robots and if you entertain fantasies of yourself pushing a cream pie in the face of an obnoxious authority figure. But given how dignified and discreet you tend to be, I realize the chances of any of this actually happening are miniscule. Can I at least coax you into hopping, skipping, and dancing around a lot when no one's watching?

Sometimes it's a challenge to try to figure out what's important and what's not important. If you'd like more of my input, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Exaggerate your flaws till they turn into virtues. Dream up wilder, wetter, more interesting problems. Change your name every day for a thousand days.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Better keep yourself clean and bright," said George Bernard Shaw. "You are the window through which you must see the world." Take that advice to heart, Sagittarius. This is an excellent time for you to do any necessary work to get yourself cleaner and brighter. I'm not at all implying that you're a dusty, greasy mess. But like all of us, there's a continuous build-up of foreign matter that distorts the view and that must be periodically washed away. If you do it now, your work will be extra smart and effective.

How well is your imagination working these days? Could it use a boost? A prod? A jolt of inspiration? Try tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Brag about what you can't do and don't have. Bow down to the greatest mystery you know. Scare yourself with how beautiful you are.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The state of Wisconsin is famous for its cheese, so it wasn't a big surprise when its state legislature decided to honor the bacterium that's essential in making cheddar, Monterey Jack, and Colby cheese. So as of last year, Lactococcus lactis is the official state microbe. I would love to see you decide upon your own most beloved microbe sometime soon, Capricorn. How about naming Ruminococcus or Peptococcus as your personal favorite among all of your gut flora? It's that time of year when it makes cosmic sense to acknowledge and appreciate all of the small and hard-to-see things that keep you thriving.

Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your unfolding destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos. Sip the tears of someone you love. Rebel against your horoscope. Play games with no rules. Mock your fears.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Don't put your shoes on before you put on your socks this week, OK? Refrain from polishing off a piece of cheesecake and a bowl of ice cream before dinner, and don't say goodbye whenever you arrive at a new destination. Catch my drift, Aquarius? Do things in the proper order, not just while engaged in the fundamental tasks of your daily rhythm, but also in the long-term processes you're carrying out. Each step in the sequence needs to prepare the way for the next step. Keep a clear vision of the organizing principle that informs your work.

How much do you want to know about your life? How far do you dare to go in your quest for self-mastery? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Teach an animal to dance. Hire a puppet troupe to reenact your life story using marionettes in Renaissance costumes. Make believe you are the ocean king or thunder queen.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Many people know John Mellenkamp's song "This Is Our Country" because it was used in a commercial for Chevy Silverado trucks. But if they've only heard it that way, they may be under a mistaken impression about its meaning. The ad quotes just a fraction of the lyrics, including "So let the voice of freedom / Sing out through this land / This is our country." What the ad doesn't include are other lines like "And poverty could be just another ugly thing / And bigotry would be seen only as obscene / And the ones that run this land / Help the poor and common man." Let this serve as a cautionary tale for you, Pisces. Make sure you get the rest of every story -- not just the partial truth, but the whole freaking thing.

Would you like to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Do you want to uncover the secrets you've been hiding even from yourself? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Improvise a fresh bedtime story for someone you love. Put on an inflatable sumo wrestler costume and play a bagpipe as badly as possible. Watch TV with your third eye.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.