What rewards do you deserve for all the good living and the hard work you've done since your last birthday? And what amends should you make for the mediocre living and the work you've shirked since your last birthday? If you choose this week to take care of these two matters with purposeful clarity, you will ensure the best possible outcomes. The reward you earn will be the right one, and the amends you offer will provide the proper correction.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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You're hereby invited to join the Clandestine Indigenous Revolutionary Committee Devoted to the Ingenious Liberation of All Sentient Beings. To signify your desire to sign up, simply perform an act of crafty compassion that reduces someone's suffering.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Sometimes I fly in my dreams. The ecstasy is almost unbearable as I soar high above the landscape. But there's something I enjoy dreaming about even more, and that's running. For years I've had recurring dreams of sprinting for sheer joy through green hills and meadows, often following rivers that go on forever. I'm never short of breath. My legs never get tired. I feel vital and vigorous and fulfilled. Does it seem odd that I prefer running to flying? I think I understand why. The flying dreams represent the part of me that longs to escape the bonds of earth, to be free of the suffering and chaos here. My running dreams, on the other hand, express the part of me that loves being in a body and exults in the challenges of this world. Given your astrological omens, Taurus, I think you're ready for whatever is your personal equivalent of running in your dreams.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Where exactly is Hell in relation to Heaven, anyway? Is it the equivalent of a billion light-years away? Or are they located within shouting distance of each other? Lots of ancient religious texts suggest the latter. Yalkut Koheleth, a Jewish commentary on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes, claimed the two domains were just "a hand-breadth apart." In Greek myth, the blessed Elysian Fields were situated right next door to Hades. "The doors to heaven and hell are adjacent and identical," wrote Nikos Kazantzakis, "both green, both beautiful."
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

An interviewer asked me if there's any special ritual I do before writing these horoscopes. I told her that I often say a prayer in which I affirm my desire to provide you with these three services: 1. that what I create will be of practical use to you; 2. that it will help you cultivate your relationship with your inner teacher; 3. that it will inspire you to tap into and use the substantial freedom you have to create the life you want. I hope I'm doing a good job, Gemini, because in the coming weeks your inner teacher will be overflowing with practical clues about the art of liberation.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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The alchemists said the magic formula for enlightenment was Visita Inferiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem, or "Seek out the lower reaches of the earth, perfect them, and you will find the hidden stone" -- the treasured philosopher's stone. Jungian psychologists might describe the process this way: Engage in a relationship with the blind and sickly parts of yourself, perfect them, and you will awaken your hidden divinity.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Spring dawn: Turning toward the storm cloud, I lost sight of the bird." Let this haiku-like poem by Julius Lester serve as a cautionary tale, Cancerian. You're at risk of getting so fearfully fixated on a storm cloud that you may lose track, metaphorically speaking, of a rare and beautiful bird. And the thing is, the storm cloud isn't even harboring that big a ruckus. It will pour out its flash and dazzle quickly, leaving virtually no havoc in its wake. That's why it would be a shame for you to let your perverse fascination with it cause you to get separated from a potential source of inspiration.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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"Objection, evasion, joyous distrust, and love of irony are signs of health. Everything absolute belongs to pathology." So proclaimed Friedrich Nietzsche in Beyond Good and Evil. Note well that he used the adjective "joyous" to describe distrust, not "cynical" or "grumbling" or "sour." The key to remaining vital and strong while questioning every so-called absolute is to cultivate a cheerful, buoyant mood as you do it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Shockwaves of toxic misinformation pulse through the Internet on a regular basis. One of the latest infections attacked the subject of astrology. An astronomer in Minneapolis proclaimed that due to the precession of the equinoxes, everyone's astrological sign is wrong. He was perfectly mistaken, of course, for reasons I explain here: http://bit.ly/AstroHoax. But few journalists in the major media bothered to check the accuracy of the sensationalist allegation before publishing it, and soon the collective imagination was on fire. Hundreds of thousands of people suffered unnecessary identity crises and felt emotions that were based on a fallacy. In the coming week, Leo, you should be on high alert for a comparable outbreak or two in your personal sphere. Be vigorously skeptical -- not just toward the stories other people tell, but also toward the theories and fantasies that rise up in your own brain. Don't believe everything you think.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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You know about the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who discovered the conditioned reflex. In his famous experiment, he trained laboratory dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell.

You may not have heard, though, about the story's surprise ending. The dogs were programmed for weeks with such rigor that their behavior became as predictable as machines. Then one day a flood inundated the lab. In the confusion, the dogs forgot all their training instantly. (Source: Raoul Vaneigem, The Revolution of Everyday Life)
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

You are usually conscientious about attending to the details. It's one of your specialties to take care of little necessities. You often know what to do in order to fix mistakes and messes caused by the imprecision of other people. For now, though, I encourage you to take a break from all that. In my opinion, you need to regenerate and replenish yourself, and a good way to accomplish that is to let your mind go blissfully blank. At least consider it, please. Give yourself permission to space out about the intricacies. Steep yourself in the primordial ooze where everything is everything.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Imagine that the whole world belongs to you. The birch trees in New Hampshire's White Mountains are yours, and so are the cirrus clouds in the western sky at dusk and the black sand on the beaches of Hawaii's Big Island. You own everything, my dear sovereign -- the paintings in all the museums of the world, as well as the Internet and the wild horses and the eight-lane highways.

Please take good care of it all, OK? Be an enlightened monarch who treats your domain with reverent responsibility. And make sure you also enjoy the full measure of fun that comes with such mastery. Glide through life as if all of creation is yearning to honor and entertain you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

I'll be interested to see how you shift your attitudes about love in the coming weeks, Libra. Fate will be bringing you good reasons to move away from long-held opinions about the nature of romance and intimacy. Your subconscious mind will be stirring with new dispensations about how best to deal with and express your life-giving longings. All in all, the process should be pretty enjoyable, especially if you relish psycho-spiritual riddles that impel you to probe deeper into the mysteries of togetherness.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Even if you don't call yourself an artist, you have the potential to be a dynamic creator who is always hatching new plans, coming up with fresh ideas, and shifting your approach to everything you do as you adjust to life's ceaseless invitation to change.

It's to this part of you -- the restless, inventive spirit -- that I address the following: Unleash yourself! Don't be satisfied with the world the way it is; don't sit back passively and blankly complain about the dead weight of the mediocre status quo. Instead, call on your curiosity and charisma and expressiveness and lust for life as you tinker with and rebuild everything you see so that it's in greater harmony with the laws of love and more hospitable to your soul's code.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"Dear Rob: I am a professional obsesser. I mean I obsess on things a lot. But here's the thing. When I do obsess on something and work with manic intensity to achieve it, I am changed in the process -- frequently to the point of no longer desiring what I was once obsessed by! This makes me crazy! Any advice? - Flagrant Scorpio." Dear Flagrant: This is a gift, not a problem. Figuring out what you don't want is a key factor in developing self-knowledge. And often the only way to do that is by pursuing what you think you want. Ultimately you'll be purged of your lesser longings and superficial wishes and be able to crystallize a clear vision of what you truly desire more than anything else.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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The ancient Greek word klimax had several meanings. Here's the Beauty and Truth Lab's favorite definition: a ladder to heaven by which a dreamer's soul ascends to have an erotic tryst with a divine being who imparts fascinating secrets. Before you go to bed on the next five nights, tell your subconscious mind that you want to get yourself a klimax like that.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in such a way that will allow a solution," said philosopher Bertrand Russell. In other words, the words you use to describe your dilemma are crucial. If you're lazy or pessimistic about framing your big question, you minimize your chances for finding a useful answer. If you're precise and creative, you're more likely to attract the information and inspiration you need. This is always true, of course, but especially so for you right now.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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In the Beauty and Truth Lab parlance, "Uber-Fun" (always capitalized) refers to righteous delight that inspires you to shed limiting beliefs, thereby making you trickier, smarter, kinder, and wilder. Go out and have some Uber-Fun.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

A "karma whore" is someone who performs an abundant number of favors and acts of kindness in the hope of accumulating extra good karma. Judging from the astrological omens, I'm thinking this week will be prime time for you to flirt with being such a person. Why? Because the blessings you bestow in the near future are more likely than usual to generate specific blessings coming back your way. You don't necessarily have to go to ridiculous extremes -- holding the door open for five people behind you, allowing ten cars to merge in front of you on the highway, flinging out casual but sincere compliments with reckless abandon. But from what I can tell, the more help you dole out, the more you'll get in return.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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ARGUMENTS WITH GOD is the only organization on the planet that specializes in the art of debating with the Creator. Our trained Prayer Warriors are standing by, ready to deliver the protests and complaints that you want to convey. Send your mad, rebellious, poignant appeals to Truthrooster@gmail.com, and we will relay them directly to the Cosmic Trickster with persuasive eloquence. Write your first draft.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

You may have no idea of how much power you have right now to start fresh -- to escape the muddle of murky old failures. Your imagination might not yet be sufficiently lubricated to glide you into the expansive version of the future you deserve. But I'm hoping that this little horoscope of mine changes all that. I'm praying that you are already registering the pleasant shock I'm trying to jolt you with, and are awakening to the rampant possibilities. On your mark. Get set. Go!

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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The Mystic Chaos Wizard Helper says: Close one eye. Tap your forehead twice with your left palm. Think of a memory in which you found something you'd lost. Lick your lips and murmur the words "Love Whisperer." Insert your middle finger in the "Delight-O-Meter" slot. Keep your finger there until the "Passion Lamp" turns on. Flash. Flash. Flash. Thank you. Now write the first thing that comes into your heart's mind.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

I've never been a fan of gurus. My view is that everyone should be his or her own guru. But there was one guy whose antics were pretty entertaining. He was one of those crazy wisdom types who borrowed liberally from the trickster archetype. This is what he told his followers about how to interpret their dreams in which he appeared. "If you dream of me and I'm not kicking your butt, it wasn't really me." I'll say the same thing to you, Pisces: The only teachers worth listening to, studying, and dreaming about in the next two weeks will be those who kick your butt.

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2011. Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7-9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Naturalist John Burroughs may have been addressing your current needs when he wrote the following: "The lesson which life constantly enforces is 'Look underfoot.' You are always nearer to the true sources of your power than you think. The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is the center of the world."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.