In an old comedy sketch called "One Leg Too Few," a one-legged man comes in to a casting agent's office to audition for the part of Tarzan in an upcoming show. The agent is as diplomatic as he can be given the fact that the role would best be played by a strapping young man with exceptional running and leaping skills. "It's possible that no two-legged men will apply," the agent tells the applicant, "in which case you could get the part." Don't be like the one-legged man in this story, Aries. While I usually encourage you to think big and dream of accomplishing amazing feats, this is one time when you should respect your limitations.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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When I lived in Santa Cruz, I had an acquaintance named Barnaby who lived at a remote rural community called Last Chance Farm. Combination shaman, wise elder, and lunatic, he would on rare occasions slip into town and lead me on fact-finding missions he dubbed whirlygigs. "Steep yourself with the intention of attracting lessons you don't know you need," he'd say, and then we'd meander the streets at random, going places I'd never been and striking up conversations with strangers with whom I seemingly had nothing in common. Barnaby described the whirlygig as an urban version of the walkabout, which for Aborigines is a time when they leave work and wander out into the bush to commune with the mysteries of nature.

Carry out your own whirlygig. When you're done, write an essay entitled, "People, Places, and Things I Didn't Know I Loved."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

As I was meditating on your horoscope for this week, a song popped into my head: Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing." I instantly knew it was a message from my unconscious, meant to be delivered to your unconscious -- a perfect action plan for you to pursue in order to be in maximum alignment with the astrological omens. I encourage you to come up with your own interpretation of what "sexual healing" means for you, maybe even write your own lyrics. If you'd like to listen to the original for inspiration, go here P.S. You don't necessarily need a partner to conjure up the cure.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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The factor most likely to drive us to addiction or illness is a lack of intimate contact with spirit. We all need a daily dose of vastness. Paradoxically, many of us would also benefit from more microscopic vision. Because we're so deprived of divine connection, we're half-dreaming all the time; our unconscious pining for the eternal source distracts us from the vivid little glories that are splayed out around us. And so we miss the Divine Wow from both directions.

Try this: Prime your connection with spirit by focusing your attention on tones and shapes you usually miss: reflections in windows, the sky between the oak tree's branches, the shadows on the water, the two different emotions in a friend's eyes and mouth.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

You probably get emails that close like this: "Sent from my iPhone." Maybe you even deliver emails like that yourself. Keep that detail in mind while I tell you the dream I had last night. In the dream, all of my Gemini friends had sent me poignant emails. Every one of them said something like, "I've got to get back to where I started from" or "There's something really important that I've got to do, but I can't remember what it is" or "I hear a voice calling my name but I don't know who it is or where it's coming from." And each of their emails ended like this: "Sent from my iSoul." I suspect my dream is in perfect accordance with your astrological omens, Gemini. It's time to go home, in every sense of the word.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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The German religious reformer Martin Luther was fond of referring to the faculty of reason as a "damned whore." He believed it gave itself in service to any old theory, often propping up specious arguments rooted in hidden emotional agendas.

Though I regard my ability to reason as a prized asset, I confess to having some of Luther's mistrust. Like most of us, I have corrupted my logical mind by sometimes using it to disguise and rationalize my subjective biases.

Can you imagine having so much self-awareness that you never turn your reasoning ability into a whore? Are you willing to probe with merciless honesty for the unconscious feelings that drive you to believe what you do, and to analyze the ways you mask your subjective biases as "objective fact"? Could you suspend all your preconceptions and greet every situation with a scrupulously open mind? Try to live up to that high standard for a period of three days.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

My name was "Robbie" from birth till seventh grade. But as my adolescent hormones began to kick in, I decided I needed a more virile stature. My name became the punchier, sleeker "Rob." But with every year that passes, I find myself heading back in the direction of "Robbie." The clever severity of my youth yearns to meld with the buoyant tenderness I've been cultivating the past decade. I want my paradoxes to harmonize -- my blithe feminine qualities to cooperate with my aggressive masculine side, my bright-eyed innocence to synergize with my restless probing. So you can call me "Robbie" if you like, or "Rob," or sometimes one and sometimes the other. Isn't it time for you, too, my fellow Cancerian, to circle back and reclaim an early part of you that got lost along the way?

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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To the ancient Chinese, pigs were sacred because they could eat anything and turn it into energy. The creatures were regarded as masters of transmutation. Nothing, not even garbage, was unusable to them. The Chinese aspired to be like pigs in the sense of being able to learn from and derive benefit from every experience, not just the tidy, tasteful ones.

Borrowing this strategy, name two garbage-like experiences that you could turn into fuel for your growing urge to be a pronoiac co-conspirator.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The Clash was a leftwing punk band that launched its career in 1976. With its dissident lyrics and experimental music, it aspired to make an impact on political attitudes. But then one of its songs, "Rock the Casbah," got so popular that college fraternity parties were playing it as feel-good dance music. That peeved the Clash's lead singer Joe Strummer, born under the sign of Leo. He didn't want his revolutionary anthems to be used as vulgar entertainment by bourgeois kids. I sympathize with his purity, but I don't advocate that approach for you. For now, relinquish control of your offerings. Let people use them the way they want to.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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"You may enjoy this movie if you shut down enough brain cells. I turned off all except the ones needed to remember where I parked my car." This observation comes from a critic's evaluation of Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, but I've read similar comments in many reviews of other films and entertainment. Indeed, it's an approach that many intelligent people employ routinely in response to the shiny slop our culture offers up.

What about you? Do you assume you have to make yourself dumber in order to have fun? Has the well-crafted inanity of the world caused you to shut down your sensitivity? Work to reverse this trend. You'll receive help from unexpected sources if you do.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"The trouble with life isn't that there is no answer; it's that there are so many answers," said folklorist Ruth Benedict. That's always true, of course, but it's especially apropos for you right now. You're teeming with viable possibilities. There are so many decent ideas eddying in your vicinity that you may be hard-pressed to pick out just a couple to give your power to. My advice: Let them all swarm and swirl for a few more days, then go with the ones that you feel will last the longest.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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Send out a big "Hey!" and "What's up?" to all the little voices in your head. Start with the still, small voice that's always ready to provide concise responses to the ingenious questions you come up with. But also acknowledge the others as well—even the crabby, reactive naysayer that's forever on the lookout for insults to your dignity, however tiny or unintentional; even the worrywart that wakes you up in the middle of the night to pester you with doubts and fears.

Love all the little voices in your head. Celebrate their vitality, their persistence, their attentiveness. Consider the possibility that you're lucky to have such a zealous group of advisors, even if all but one of them are off the mark a lot of the time.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Jack Mytton was a famous 19th-century eccentric whose wealth and privilege often shielded him from the consequences of his odd behavior. One of his less successful adventures came on a night when he got a bad case of the hiccups. Thinking he could scare himself into being cured, he set fire to his pajamas. In the ensuing mayhem, his hiccups disappeared but he burned himself. I bring this to your attention, Libra, in the hope it will dissuade you from attacking a small problem in a way that causes a bigger problem. For now it's better to endure a slight inconvenience. Don't seek a quick fix that causes a complicated mess.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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There is a proverb from the American culture of the 21st century that I'd like to run by you: "Never reveal all you know, confess everything you feel, show how much you care, or give all you have."

Prove this proverb wrong. Cultivate power by revealing all you know, confessing everything you feel, showing how much you care, and giving all you have.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In accordance with the astrological omens, Scorpio, I will ask you to make everything wetter; to be the personification of fluidity. Where there is drought, use your magic to bring the rain. If you're stuck in a dynamic that is parched and barren, add moisture and tenderness. Be ingenious, not rash, as you stir up dormant feelings in people you care about. Remind those who are high and dry about the river that runs through them. (A good way to do that is to reveal the river that runs through you.)

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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If you're a left-winger, you may think right-wingers are stupid or evil or both. If you're a right-winger, you probably hold the same attitudes about left-wingers. A similar pattern prevails between most other groups that hold opposing views. You're a rare person if you've never looked at a certain group of people and thought to yourself, "They are all sick idiots."

But I'm asking you to find out what it's like to dispense with judgments like that. In fact, try living without any scapegoats whatsoever. If even for an hour per week, visualize the possibility that those with whom you disagree might be sincere and well meaning.

I'm not suggesting this exercise merely because it's a nice thing to do. It will also have the effect of giving you access to parts of your own intelligence that have been closed off to you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Gwyneth Paltrow is the most perfect person alive, said Gawker.com. From a certain perspective, I suppose it's possible to award her that title. She's beautiful, rich, famous, and in good shape. She's a talented actress and published author. Without denying that Gwyneth is a gem, however, I must say that my standards of perfection are different. Are you doing the work you love? Are you engaged in ongoing efforts to transform your darkness? Do you practice compassion with wit and style? Are you saving the world in some way? Are you skilled at taking care of yourself? Those are my primary measures. What are yours, Sagittarius? It's an excellent time to define your ideal human.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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Oceans are not exactly teeming with life. In fact, they're mostly barren, and could rightly be called "wet deserts." Likewise, not all your emotions, even those that come in floods, are fertile. Some are automatic reactions that have discharged thousands of times since they were first programmed into you many years ago. They're often negative, and are not organic but mechanical, being inappropriate to the events that seem to stimulate them. They became fixtures when you were a very different person than you are now. Identify these.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In an old Star Trek episode, a 24th-century starship captain is weighed down by a knotty problem about how to deal with two of her enemies who are at war with each other. Unable to come up with a viable solution, she retreats to the holodeck, where virtual reality technology can create a convincingly real rendition of any desired scene. Where does she go for advice? She seeks out Leonardo da Vinci in his 16th-century studio. Once she has outlined her dilemma, Leonardo offers his counsel: "When one's imagination cannot provide an answer, one must turn to a greater imagination." This is my advice to you right now, Capricorn.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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Many of us don't always know what we feel. We may have a vivid sense that we feel something, but we're not sure what it is. That's why musicians, writers, actors, and other creative people play such a crucial role in our emotional lives. Their work can help us articulate the enigmas fermenting within us.

But here's the problem: A majority of the artists who are easiest for us to find aren't exceptionally smart or original; they specialize in expressing hackneyed feelings. Many of the very best creators "remain in relative obscurity because of their resistance to formula efforts," writes journalist Alan Cabal. "Mediocrities latch onto whatever hits and repeat it endlessly in pursuit of cash or celebrity or both." If we look to the latter for illumination, we're cheated.

Your assignments: Get tough with the lazy or wounded part of you that is drawn to the mediocrities. Compile a roster of virtuosos who have developed a high level of proficiency in extracting esthetically exciting meaning from the fascinating chaos around us. Expose yourself exclusively to their work, devotedly avoiding the mediocrities' stuff, for a given period, say 100 days. Describe how this transforms you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Seth Grahame-Smith rewrote Jane Austen's classic novel Pride and Prejudice. He kept 85 percent of her material, but also added a big dose of "ultraviolent zombie mayhem," creating a new story, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. In his version, Austen's tale is expanded and altered by the previously unrevealed activities of zombies. I urge you to follow Grahame-Smith's lead, Aquarius. Take some original creation you really like, and add a shot of your own unique approach to generate a completely new thing.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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The bumper sticker I saw said, "Having abandoned my search for the truth, I'm now looking for a good fantasy." Though it's meant to be sarcastic, it's a useful piece of advice.

Consider this hypothesis: The truth is so complicated and ever-shifting that it's impossible to pin down. Why try to understand the nature of reality when it's more productive and interesting to aggressively create the nature of reality? Why be preoccupied with conjuring up concepts to approximate the structure of the universe when the point is that we change everything we observe merely by looking at it?

As another bumper sticker says, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Everyone alive should see the musical comedy "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." At the very least, we should all meditate regularly on the play's title, using it as a self-mocking mantra that dissuades us from committing the folly it describes. How better to serve the health of our relationships than by withdrawing the projections we superimpose on people, thereby allowing them to be themselves? Right now you're in special need of honoring this wisdom, Pisces. If you feel the itch to tell friends and loved ones that they should be different from how they actually are, stop and ask yourself whether maybe you should transform yourself instead.

Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES or daily text message 'scopes.

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"The reality of love is mutilated when it is removed from all its unreality." So said the French philosopher Gaston Bachelard in his book The Poetics of Reverie.

He meant that realism alone is not enough for human beings to live on, especially in our most intimate relationships. We need fantasy to augment the merely factual perspective. We require poetic truths to keep the rational approach honest.

Without the play of the imagination, in fact, our understanding of the world is impoverished and ­distorted.

(P.S. Nietzsche said: "We have art in order not to perish of truth.")
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.