Free Will Astrology


Horoscopes by Rob Brezsny


Week of April 29th, 2010

♈ ARIES

(March 21-April 19)
"In a recipe for salsa published recently, one of the ingredients was misstated, due to an error," said an apology run by a local newspaper. "The correct ingredient is '2 tsp. of cilantro' instead of '2 tsp. of cement.'" This is an example of the kind of miscue you should be alert for in your own life during the coming week, Aries. As long as you pay close attention and spot the tiny booboos as they arise, you won't end up dipping your chips into a gritty, gravely mess.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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A friend gave me a live rosebush in a planter for my birthday last June. After a few weeks, its five red flowers withered and turned brown but didn't fall off their stems. I left them there, perversely fascinated by the dead blooms that wouldn't let go. Months later, in late November, five new flowers blossomed. Then the bush displayed a mix of the living and the dead.

Would you have plucked off the dried-up old blooms, or would you find it more beautiful with both the living and the dead together?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♉ TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)
A little knowledge can be dangerous. I constantly meet people who have boxed themselves into tight spots by misusing their smattering of astrological information. There's no better example of this than the superstition about Mercury retrograde, which is supposedly a bad time to begin anything new. During one such period last year, an acquaintance of mine decided to delay accepting a dream job offer as editor of a magazine. By the time Mercury returned to normal, the magazine had hired another applicant. I wish I'd have known, because I would have told her what I'll tell you: Some of America's biggest, most enduring Fortune 500 companies began when Mercury was retrograde, including Disney, Goodyear, and Boeing. The moral of the story: Of all the signs of the zodiac, it's most important that you Tauruses don't worry about launching new projects during the current Mercury retrograde.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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In his book Making Sex: Body and Gender from the Greeks to Freud, historian Thomas Laquer suggests that the clitoris may have been unknown to male anatomists until 1559. In that year, Renaldus Columbus, a professor at the University of Padua in Italy, announced his discovery of the "seat of woman's delight," and declared his right to name it the "sweetness of Venus."

Is there a sublime pleasure whose existence you haven't discovered? Where is it? How can you find it?
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♊ GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)
Would you really prefer it if you had no problems? Do you imagine you'd enjoy life more if everything was pure fun and smoothly easy? Here's an astrological perspective: People who have an over-abundance of positive aspects in their natal horoscopes often turn out to be lucky but lazy bums who never accomplish much. So I say, be thankful for the complications that are visiting you. I bet they will make a man out of you if you're a woman, or a woman out of you if you're a man. If you're white, they'll help you get blacker, and if you're black, they'll make you whiter. Catch my drift? As you do your best to solve the knotty riddle, you'll become better balanced and more versatile than folks who are rarely challenged.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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If you're reading this, you're probably not a Cambodian orphan who grew up as a slave in a brothel or a Sudanese man kidnapped by a militia and forced to do heavy labor 18 hours a day or one of the millions of other victims of human trafficking around the world. But you may be yoked and subjugated in a less literal way, perhaps to a debilitating drug or an abusive relationship or a job that brings out the worst in you or a fearful fantasy about the looming collapse of civilization's infrastructure.

The good news is that you have the power to escape your bondage. Maybe it'll help you muster the strength you need if I remind you that your freedom won't be anywhere near as difficult to achieve as that of the Pakistani boy tied to a carpet loom in a dark room around the clock or the Nigerian woman who's beaten daily as she toils in the sugar cane fields for no pay.

Try this: When you feel overwhelmed by the sadness of your problems or the addiction of your compulsions, put on your best clothes and clean toilets at a homeless shelter, or give foot massages to workers at a sewage disposal plant, or sing songs, sip champagne, and play card games with patients at a psychiatric hospital. Be ready to get hit upside the soul with exotic varieties of ecstasy, which such acts will unleash.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♋ CANCERIAN

(June 21-July 22)
Here's the most important rule for you in the coming week: Keep your eyes fixed on a vision of your shining destiny. If you do, you'll be unflappable, indefatigable, and irrepressible. Your luck will be so crazy good it'll be almost spooky. Noble deeds you did in the past will finally bring the rewards you deserve. Allies will conspire to assist you, sometimes in ways you couldn't have predicted. I'm not exaggerating, Cancerian. If you stay focused on the highest prize, you'll live a charmed life.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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It's possible there's still enough oil buried in the earth to sustain our civilization's exorbitant appetite for material comforts for another 100 years. Or it may be true, as some researchers suggest, that global reserves of black gold are rapidly dwindling, and 20 years from now we'll all be farmers and hunters sitting around campfires at night telling stories.

Whichever scenario comes to pass, you may be happiest and smartest and healthiest if you cultivate a simple and earthy relationship with luxury—something akin to poet Omar Khayyám's notion, which was "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou beside me singing in the wilderness." Comments? Questions? Celebrations?

P.S. The amount of oil left in the world has no bearing whatsoever on your ability to cultivate ecstasy.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♌ LEO

(July 23-August 22)
In 1990, my rock band World Entertainment War played at a San Francisco nightclub on the same bill as the Beatnigs, an assemblage fronted by Michael Franti. Their avant-garde industrial music featured band members rhythmically hitting a steel bar with a power saw and slapping a long chain against a piece of sheet metal hanging from the back wall. Fast-forward to 2009, when Franti's latest band Spearhead released a catchy romantic pop ditty titled "Say Hey (I Love You)," which reached number 18 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. I predict a comparable development for you in the next six months, Leo: moving from a state of raw, dark, obscure power to a state of bright, refined, accessible power.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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Here's Caroline Myss' explanation of faith: "Faith is the power to stand up to the madness and chaos of the physical world while holding the position that nothing external has any authority over what heaven has in mind for you."

If you don't like the word "heaven" in Myss' statement, substitute a term that works for you, like "your higher self" or "your destiny" or "your soul's code." Modify anything else in it that's not right for your needs, as well. When you're finished tinkering, I hope you'll have created a definition of faith that motivates you with as much primal power as you feel when you're in love.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♍ VIRGO

(August 23-September 22)
Mangosteens and rambutans are exotic fruits that grow in faraway places. The mangosteen is creamy and purple, with a peachy citrus taste, while the rambutan is like a big hairy red grape. This is a perfect moment, astrologically speaking, to invite them into your mouth. Likewise, the time is right for you to consider welcoming other colorful, striking, and foreign elements into your life. So maybe consider making friends with a Paraguayan acrobat. Sing Vietnamese folk songs. Read the memoirs of an Iranian exile. Exchange conspiracy theories with an Icelandic fairy.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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The New York Times ran a story about philosopher Nick Bostrom, who believes there's a significant chance our world is actually a computer simulation. In his scenario, you and I are living in a version of The Matrix. Our "brains" are merely webs of computer circuits created by our post-human descendants, who are studying "ancestor simulations" of their past. I bring this to your attention because I'd like to invite you to find out, one way or another, whether Bostrom is correct.

Make it your intention to cultivate a talent for knowing what's real and what's not. Develop a knack for escaping what's illusory and gravitating toward what's authentic. If you do these simple things, I bet you will earn a big reward: a chronic, low-key, blissful sense of union with pretty much everything that's appealing to you.

Bonus: Even if you do find out that we're living in The Matrix, you could become a messiah with resemblances to the character that Keanu Reeves played in the film trilogy. He could fly.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♎ LIBRA

(September 23-October 22)
A reader named Emory proposes that we add a new meme to the cultural lexicon: interpersonal intellectual orgasm. Here's how he describes it: "It happens when your conversation with another person becomes so intense that nothing else matters except the dialog you're creating together. The two of you are so in-tune, so intellectually bonded, that the sensation is almost like making love. For that time, it's like that person is in you and you are in that person; you are one because you understand each other so completely." I bring this to your attention, Libra, because you're in a phase of your astrological cycle when the interpersonal intellectual orgasm is far more likely than usual to occur.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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While loitering on a sidewalk outside a nightclub in San Francisco on a September night in 1994, I found the cover of a booklet lying in the gutter. Written by Marilena Silbey and Paul Ramana Das, it was called "How to Survive Passionate Intimacy with a Dreamy Partner While Making a Fortune on the Path to Enlightenment." Sadly, the rest of the text was missing. Ever since, hungry for its wisdom, I've tried to hunt down a copy of the whole thing, but to no avail.

I'm hoping that maybe you will consider writing your own version of the subject. If you do, please send it to me.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♏ SCORPIO

(October 23-November 21)
Unlike people who cheat on their mates, polyamorists carry on two or more intimate relationships but don't lie about it. Their lovers know about each other and have agreed to the arrangement. I applaud those who have the inclination to pull off this tricky work, even though I personally couldn't manage it. Handling just a single intense bond takes improbable amounts of my ingenuity. If I were trying to weave my fate together with more than one partner, I wouldn't have any energy left over to write these horoscopes or do anything else. How about you, Scorpio? You're in a phase when splitting your attention might be tempting, not just in regards to your love life but in other areas, too. Whether that's the right thing to do, I can't say. Here's what I do know: You can either go deeper or wider, but not both.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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"Picture the Grand Canyon," says Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield. "Every hundred years, a child comes by and throws a mustard seed into it. In the time it takes to fill the hole in the earth with mustard seeds, one maha­kal­pa will have passed. To perfect the virtuous heart—the joy of integrity -- takes a thousand mahakalpas."

If that's true, then you've still got a lot of work to do. The good news is that civilization is in the midst of a critical turning point that could tremendously expedite your ripening. So you could make unusually great progress toward the goal of perfecting the virtuous heart in the next 40 years.

For best results, meditate often on the phrase "the joy of integrity." Get familiar with the pleasurable emotion that comes from acting with impeccability. And try out this idea from Gandhi: Integrity is the royal road to your inner freedom.

P.S. Oddly enough, the work of perfecting the virtuous heart is very effective in helping you master the art of cultivating everyday ecstasy. Meditate on the connection.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♐ SAGITTARIUS

(November 22-December 21)
"Never bear more than one trouble at a time," wrote author and clergyman Edward Everett Hale. "Some people bear three kinds -- all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have." That's good advice for you, Sagittarius. Please just stick to the trouble you have, and drop the other two kinds. There's no need to fill up your beautiful head with extra torment. Besides, you're much more likely to wrestle the current trouble into submission if you're not weighted down by unnecessary extras.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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Alice finds her way to Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole. Dorothy rides to Oz on a tornado. In C. S. Lewis's >i>The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lucy stumbles into the magical land of Narnia via a portal in the back of a large clothes cabinet.

In the sequels to all these adventures, however, the heroines must find different ways to access their exotic dreamlands. Alice slips through a mirror next time. Dorothy uses a Magic Belt. Lucy leaps into a painting of a schooner that becomes real.

Take heed of these precedents. The next time a threshold opens into an alternative reality you've enjoyed in the past, it may not resemble the doorways you've used before.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♑ CAPRICORN

(December 22-January 19)
What excites you? What makes you itch with a longing to be surprised? What fills you to the brim with curiosity and an agitated sense of wonder? You may not know even half of what you could potentially realize about these matters. Have you ever sat down and taken a formal inventory? Have you ever dedicated yourself to figuring out all the things that would inspire you most? Do it sometime soon, please; attend to this glorious task. According to my reading of the omens, it's prime time to do so.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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"Keep exploring what it takes to be the opposite of who you are," suggests psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of the book Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention. This advice is one of his ideas about how to get into attunement with the Tao, also known as being in the zone.

How would you go about being the opposite of who you are? Try it and see if it drives you into a state of euphoria.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♒ AQUARIUS

(January 20- February 18)
It's a good thing Margaret Mitchell suffered a broken ankle back in 1925. She got so bored as she lay around the house recuperating that she started writing a book. Eventually it blossomed into the 423,000-word blockbuster Gone with the Wind, which sold 30 million copies and won her the Pulitzer Prize. Judging from your current astrological omens, Aquarius, I suspect that you too may soon be offered an opportunity disguised as a ho-hum problem.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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Check out this excerpt from "Those Who Do Not Dance," by Chilean poet Gabriela Mistral: "God asked from on high, / 'How do I come down from this blueness?' / We told Him: / come dance with us in the light."

I love this passage because it reminds me that nothing is ever set in stone; everything is always up for grabs. Even God needs to be open to change and eager for fresh truths. Furthermore, even we puny humans may on occasion need to be God's teacher and helper. Likewise, we can never be sure about what lowly or unexpected sources might bring us the influences we require.

What do Mistral's words mean to you? Imagine you're the "God" referenced in the poem. What blueness are you ready to come down from, and who might invite you to dance in their light?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

♓ PISCES

(February 19-March 20)
I was pleased when I discovered a website with a video of quirky songstress Cat Power singing David Bowie's iconic song "Space Oddity." I love her, I love Bowie, and I love the tune. And yet a wave of disappointment broke over me when I realized, 30 seconds into the performance, that it was actually a car commercial. I felt duped. Appalled. Outraged. Any pleasure I'd gotten from the experience was ruined. Don't be like me, Pisces. You, too, may soon receive a blessing that has some minor annoyance. Don't overreact like me. Look past the blemish and enjoy the gift.


In addition to the horoscopes I write for you, I offer EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four- to five-minute explorations that go further in uncovering the current state of your destiny. You can sign in and access them here. Meanwhile, here's a free podcast you might like: It's called Gazing into the Abyss.

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Confounding lessons and delightful shocks have been increasing in frequency during the recent past and will continue to do so in the foreseeable future. In light of that fact, you may want to find some new ways to express your amazement. Clichés like "Jesus H. Christ!" or "Holy crap!" or "What the fuck?!" may not be sufficient to capture the full impact of the aha! moments.

To get you launched in the right direction, I'll suggest a few fresh exclamations. They're not designed to become tried-and-true replacements for the lazy phrases you're using now, but are rather meant to jog your imagination and inspire you to conjure up a constantly changing variety of ever-fresh invocations. Now see how these roll off your tongue: "Great Odin's raven!" "Radical lymphocytes!" "Cackling whacks of jibber-jabber!" "Frosty heat waves!" "Panoramic serpentine!"
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

© Rob Brezsny 1995-2019