The government of my home country America spends an obscene fortune on its armed forces -- as much as do all the other nations of the world combined. In fact, we are by far the most weaponized empire in the history of the world. Our 761 military bases in over 100 countries dwarf the comparatively puny garrisons of the Roman and British empires at their peak, with 37 and 36 bases respectively. If our military costs were cut down to a more reasonable amount -- say the same as that of China (whose population is more than four times the size of ours) -- we'd have an annual trillion-dollar bonus to deal with the financial infection that erupted here and sent toxic ripples throughout the world. Maybe we'd even have enough left over to seed a national health care system. Keeping that in mind as a metaphor, Aries, make this your hypothesis: By reducing the hostility, combativeness, and judgmental ire that you personally generate, you'll be far more likely to navigate your way toward prosperity.

How much do you want to know about your destiny? How far do you dare to go? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Imagine that you have been relieved of your responsibilities for a given time. They will be taken care of by people you trust. You won't have to work to make money during this grace period, but will be given all you need. Nor will you have to clean your house, wash your clothes, or buy and make your food. Now here's the big question: What will you do now that you are free to do anything you like?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

The days leading up to America's presidential election feature a rare opposition between Saturn and Uranus. Since Saturn symbolizes the past and Uranus the future, we might expect there to be a showdown between what has been and what will be, not only on a collective level but also in our personal realms. In what areas of your life do you think that will materialize, Taurus? Identify those hotspots, then get to work coordinating synergistic interactions between the seemingly contrary forces.

Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:

a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you're not greedy or grasping.

b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you've already achieved them.

c. Whatever you're longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It's not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.

d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn't foresee.

Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

Write the number ten followed by eleven zeroes. Our Milky Way Galaxy has that many stars. Write a ten followed by twelve zeroes. That's the size of America's national debt in dollars. Now promise me that for the next month, you will avoid absorbing any scary, overwhelming data like the kind I just threw at you. Worrying about the big financial picture would not only be fruitless, it would also distract you from your main tasks, which are as follows: Regard the crisis as an excellent opportunity to shed materialistic obsessions and live more humbly and creatively. Sublimate your buy-ological urges into biological urges. Stretch yourself to get into closer touch with your spiritual core.

Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day. Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.

Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs.

Think of the last place on earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there.

Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.

Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire.

Fantasize you’re the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.

Meditate on how one of the symbols of plenitude in Nepal is a mongoose vomiting jewels.

Once a year on the night before your birthday, say these words into a mirror: “It’s bad luck to be superstitious.”

Start a club whose purpose is to produce an archive of controversial jokes and obscene limericks about beauty, truth, and love.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

As the stock markets came crashing down, a different kind of global devastation received scant notice. The World Conservation Congress revealed that 25 percent of the planet's mammal species and one out of eight birds are on close to extinction. We're not just talking about exotic animals in remote hideaways, but rabbits and deer and cardinals and turtledoves. As you meditate on how to reinvent yourself in the wake of the financial shifts, Cancerian, please hold a vigil in your heart for the endangered creatures. The two crises are related, after all. The greed to turn everything into a means of generating money has led humans to both despoil nature and risk the crazy gambles that have savaged the economy. The more you understand that, the better your intuition will be as you make personal decisions affecting your future relationship with money.

Want to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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I was never the class clown. I am not a troubled but devilishly handsome wastrel living on a trust fund. I've never beaten up anyone, have steadfastly not aspired to write like Raymond Carver, and have never played strip Scrabble with a celebrity junkie on a leaky waterbed in a Key West penthouse. There are so many things I am not and will never be, and I'm glad I know about them. It helps me stay focused on exactly who I am. What about you? Who aren't you? Fantasize about all the paths you will never take. Put it in writing.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

TV's "The Daily Show" did a mock biography of your fellow Leo, Barack Obama, poking fun at the adoration he inspires in millions of people around the world. Every time he speaks, said the narrator, "an angel has an orgasm." According to my analysis, you now have a scaled-down version of that power. You may not incite the same intensity of pleasure in the heavenly hosts, but you could definitely unleash eruptions of raw enthusiasm in numerous humans. I suggest that like Obama, you channel it in service to a cause beyond your own selfish interests.

What blessings will life bring you? What challenges will you be invited to dive into? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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"Is it bad to live without a hell?" poet Pablo Neruda asks in The Book of Questions. Let's add these queries to his: Is it dangerous to live without an enemy? Is it naive to think you can achieve great success without the driving motivation that comes from having ideas you hate? There are thousands of correct answers to these questions. What are yours?

Consider the issue from another angle. Dentists love tooth decay. Treating cavities provides them with a steady source of income. Likewise, exterminators are dependent on termites, lawyers need crimes, and priests are hungry for sinners. Lots of people have symbiotic connections with nasty stuff. In fact, isn't it true that most of us nurture our feelings for the things we love to despise and fear?

What's your favorite poison or adversary? Assume that your exposure to pronoia is changing you in ways that will require you to update your relationship with it. Speculate on how you'll go about this task.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

When the planet Uranus comes into play, as it is now, it's a good time to initiate experiments that will expedite the arrival of future blessings. Pushing beyond comforting habits, you thrive by going in quest of bracing truths, unfashionable beauty, and wild justice. The symbolic nature of Saturn is different. It invites you to creatively limit and discipline yourself so that fate isn't forced to limit and discipline you in unpleasant ways. It so happens, Virgo, that Uranus and Saturn are now poised in opposition to each other. Will they work at cross-purposes, spawning a sticky mess? Or is there a way for you to get them to work together? More than you imagine, you have the power to affect how they interact in your personal sphere.

Need a few more whacks applied to your mental blocks? A few more caresses administered to your growing edge? Cruise on over to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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The factor most likely to drive us to addiction or illness is a lack of intimate contact with spirit. We all need a daily dose of vastness. Paradoxically, many of us would also benefit from more microscopic vision. Because we're so deprived of divine connection, we're half-dreaming all the time; our unconscious yearning for our eternal source makes our minds wander and saps our energy to dig in and master the gritty details that are right in front of us.

Practice seeing the little things. Gather glimpses of colors, shapes, tones, and shifts you usually ignore.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

"I cannot tell if the day is ending, or the world, or if the secret of secrets is inside me again." So wrote Jane Kenyon, translating Russian poet Anna Akhmatova. At this juncture in history, that's a feeling many of us have. Part of the time we're on the verge of freaking out, half-expecting some new calamity to befall the world. Other times we're awash in wonder and awe, catching glimpses of the miraculous flow that's hidden just below the surface of everyday chaos; we're tantalizingly close to understanding that everything is proceeding exactly as it should. In the coming weeks, this excruciating poignancy will peak, especially for you. Regard it as a gift -- as a difficult blessing that has the potential to free you of your illusions.

Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Don't make nasty comments about yourself behind your own back.

Do play soccer in bunny slippers at dawn in a supermarket parking lot with a gang of sadomasochistic stockbrokers who've promised to teach you the Balinese monkey chant.

Don't decorate your thigh with a sloppy tattoo of the devil pushing a lawn mower.

Do wear a t-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Don't glide into a bar, scout around for the person whose face has the most pain etched in it, and ask that person to come home with you.

Do eat ripe organic strawberries that have been genetically modified and irradiated, and do chain-smoke Marlboros as you peddle your exercise bicycle, and do wander through a garbage dump while listening to Mozart on your iPod.

Don't get hooked on the fantasy that there are only two kinds of people, those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness.

Do start an organization called POMP (Proud Owners of Multiple Personalities), dedicated to erasing negative stereotypes about healthy non-schizophrenics who enjoy being a community of many different selves.

Don't lie on a floor surrounded by wine-stained poetry books, crumpled Matisse prints, abandoned underwear, and half-eaten bowls of corn flakes as you stare up at the ceiling with a mad gaze, muttering gibberish and waving your hands as if swatting away demons.

Do run along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an erupting volcano, into which you drop the Buns of Steel video.

Don't put your soul up for auction on the eBay website.

Do write a cookbook filled with recipes you've channeled from dead celebrities.

If you come upon a lamp with a genie in it, don't wish you had a magic wand.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

What do you tend to do when you're squeezed between the demands of authority and the healthy need to rebel? How do you respond when the past and future are at odds? What resources do you draw on when the person you have always been starts to evolve into an interesting new form that you don't recognize? You've come to a fork in the road, Scorpio, when you will be asked to deal with these questions on a larger scale than before. My advice? Study your past so thoroughly that you'll be able to keep it from repeating itself, and open your mind to possibilities you've rarely considered.

Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Every fundamentalist divides the world into two camps, those who agree with him and like him and help him, and those who don't. There is only one right way to interpret the world—according to the ideas the fundamentalist believes to be true—and a million wrong ways.

The fundamental attitude of all fundamentalists is to take everything way too seriously and too personally and too literally. Imagination is a sin and a crime. Correct belief is the only virtue. Every fundamentalist is committed to waging war against the imagination unless the imagination is enslaved to his or her belief system.

And here's the bad news: Like almost everyone in the world, each of us has our own share of the fundamentalist virus. It may not be as dangerous to the collective welfare as, say, the fundamentalism of Islamic terrorists or Christian politicians or CEOs who act as if making a financial profit is the supreme good or scientists who deny the existence of the 96 percent of reality imperceptible to the five senses. Our fundamentalism is not as virulent as theirs.

But still: We are infected, you and I, with fundamentalism. What are we going to do about it?

I say we practice taking everything less seriously and less personally and less literally.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

The world is poised at the threshold of a great choice: Should we stick with what has worked for us, even though it's not working any more? Or should we experiment with possibilities that may work for us in the future, even though they don't have a track record? You, Sagittarius, can and should be a leader in this epic adventure. The best way to do that is to summon your dormant courage as you apply the big questions I just posed to the specific circumstances of your personal life.

Need more help with your riddles? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Every act of genius, Carl Jung said, is an act contra naturam: against nature. Indeed, every effort to achieve psychological integration and union with the divine requires a knack for working against the grain. The 18th-century mystic Jacob Boehme recommended the same technique. The great secret to becoming enlightened, he said, is "to walk in all things contrary to the world." Qabalist teacher Paul Foster Case agreed: "The basis of the spiritual approach to life, the foundation of the everyday practice of a person who lives the life of obedience to esoteric law, is the reversal of the more usual ways of thinking, speaking and doing."

Name the ways you already use this approach, and brainstorm about others you might like to try.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

The planet Saturn symbolizes the preservative and conservative tendencies of evolution. It teaches us to learn from the past and keeps us from rushing into the frontier before we're ready. Uranus, on the other hand, represents future shocks, both the disturbing and benevolent kinds. It disturbs our sleep in order to wake us up and energizes us to reinvent ourselves on the fly. What happens when these two planets slip into an intimate dynamic, as they are now? Will one of them prevail over the other in a great battle? Or will they coordinate their efforts artfully in a riveting, gorgeous dance? Amazingly enough, the outcome depends in part on you.

No one knows you better than you do. But maybe you'll be inspired to dig up even more self-knowledge if you tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Life is a vast and intricate conspiracy designed to keep us well supplied with blessings. What kind of blessings? Palatial homes, attractive lovers, lottery winnings, career success? Maybe. But just as likely: interesting surprises, unexpected challenges, gifts we hardly know what to do with, conundrums that force us to get smarter.

Novelist William Vollman referred to the latter types of blessings when he said that "the most important and enjoyable thing in life is doing something that's a complicated, tricky problem for you that you don't know how to solve."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

No faking allowed, Aquarius. I mean it. You must do no pretending, tell no dirty lies, and never act as if you know things you don't truly know. Instead, say exactly what you mean; be more real than you have ever dared to be; be nothing more and nothing less than who you actually are. Why is this authenticity crusade so important right now? Because in the coming weeks, you'll be setting your life's tone for months to come. You will be planting more seeds than you can imagine.

What greater adventure is there than exploring the enigmas of your unique destiny? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Have you ever had permission to indulge in a marathon of braggadocio? Have you ever gotten an invitation to bluster on endlessly about your own charms without feeling even a touch of guilt or inhibition? I hereby grant you such a license right now.

When you're ready, carry out the exercise called Brag Therapy. Grab a good listener or a recording device, and boast extravagantly about yourself for at least 20 minutes. Expound in exhaustive detail why you're so wonderful and why the world would be a better place if everyone would just act more like you.

Don't be humble or cautious. Go too far. Heap extreme glory on yourself. Brazenly proclaim the fabulous qualities about you that no one has ever fully articulated or appreciated. Don't forget to extol the prodigious flaws and vices that make you so special.

What does this have to do with pronoia? When you audaciously identify your existing gifts, you set yourself up to become a magnet for even greater abundance. In fact, we recommend that you treat yourself to a Brag Therapy session regularly.

To whet your imagination, read an excerpt from the boast of Eric Baer, a participant in a Brag Therapy session I hosted in Milwaukee. "I have opposable thumbs," Eric exulted. "I can read. I breathe all the way through the night even though I'm asleep. I have access to emporiums where I can choose from 25 different brands of toilet paper. I know how to turn food into energy. I live where knuckleheads run everything and yet nothing ever blows up."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.

Uranus symbolizes your instinct for freedom, your drive to express your dormant genius, and your attunement with your intuition. Saturn represents structure and responsibility; when it's prominent, it's time to get back to basics and cut down on distractions and excesses. So what should you do when these two planets are in exact opposition, as they are now? Here's one hint: We're all being squeezed between a mandate to head toward the frontier and the pressure to play it safe. To keep from being paralyzed, some of us may have to choose one way over the other. In my opinion, you Pisceans are likely to profit by choosing the Uranian path.

Got enough clues to chew on for a while? If you need more, give yourself the luxury of your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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The "Kumulipo" is an old Hawaiian prayer chant that poetically describes the creation of the world. The word literally means "beginning-in-deep-darkness." Here darkness doesn't connote gloom and evil. Rather, it's about the inscrutability of the embryonic state; the obscure chaos that reigns before germination. Talk about the last time you dwelt in kumulipo.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells. Go here to hear my podcasts, in which I deliver material from the book.