Free Will Astrology


Horoscopes by Rob Brezsny


Week of March 29th, 2007

♈ ARIES

(March 21-April 19)
You will soon uncover evidence that a seemingly innocuous hot dog vendor is actually creating an army of cyborgs in the sewer system under the streets. You will also make a citizen's arrest of a grandmother who's embezzling money from a children's charity to support her gambling habit. And in the most shocking development of all, you'll develop the psychic power to exorcise evil spirits that are threatening to demonically possess the Internet. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future will be interesting, but not that interesting. More importantly, it will be interesting in distinctly non-pathological, unhysterical ways. Your adventures will revolve around healing, fun, and education, not trouble, danger, and chaos.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Have you ever had permission to indulge in a marathon of braggadocio? Have you ever gotten an invitation to bluster on endlessly about your own charms without feeling even a touch of guilt or inhibition? I hereby grant you such a license right now.

When you're ready, carry out the exercise called Brag Therapy. Grab a good listener or a recording device, and boast extravagantly about yourself for at least 20 minutes. Expound in exhaustive detail why you're so wonderful and why the world would be a better place if everyone would just act more like you.

Don't be humble or cautious. Go too far. Heap extreme glory on yourself. Brazenly proclaim the fabulous qualities about you that no one has ever fully articulated or appreciated. Don't forget to extol the prodigious flaws and vices that make you so special.

What does this have to do with pronoia? When you audaciously identify your existing gifts, you set yourself up to become a magnet for even greater abundance. In fact, we recommend that you treat yourself to a Brag Therapy session regularly.

To whet your imagination, read an excerpt from the boast of Eric Baer, a participant in a Brag Therapy session I hosted in Milwaukee. "I have opposable thumbs," Eric exulted. "I can read. I breathe all the way through the night even though I'm asleep. I have access to emporiums where I can choose from 25 different brands of toilet paper. I know how to turn food into energy. I live where knuckleheads run everything and yet nothing ever blows up."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♉ TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)
You should make Feral Cheryl your role model. She's the anti-Barbie--a pierced, dreadlocked, tattooed doll. She owns no stiletto heels, designer handbags, or cheerleader outfits. Her only accessory is a stash of homegrown herbs. A student of spiritual anarchy, she's a free-thinking activist who rejects all "isms." Be like Feral Cheryl, Taurus. APRIL FOOL! I'd never try to talk you into regarding a 13-inch-tall plastic doll as your role model, no matter how cool she might be. But I do suggest you adopt some version of Feral Cheryl's motto: "Love simply, live amply, run wild."


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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The "Kumulipo" is an old Hawaiian prayer chant that poetically describes the creation of the world. The word literally means "beginning-in-deep-darkness." Here darkness doesn't connote gloom and evil. Rather, it's about the inscrutability of the embryonic state; the obscure chaos that reigns before germination. Talk about the last time you dwelt in kumulipo.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♊ GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)
After meditating on the omens, I can't decide whether it's more accurate to say "This week will suck" or "This week will blow." APRIL FOOL! While it's true that your imminent experiences may resemble the kinds of pleasure that one human being can give another through a masterful use of the mouth and tongue, "suck" and "blow" have too many negative connotations to use them as metaphors. Let's say instead that the coming week will lick and slurp and drool.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Imagine that you have been relieved of your responsibilities for a given time. They will be taken care of by people you trust. You won't have to work to make money during this grace period, but will be given all you need. Nor will you have to clean your house, wash your clothes, or buy and make your food. Now here's the big question: What will you do now that you are free to do anything you like?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♋ CANCERIAN

(June 21-July 22)
Soon the Lord will return and handpick 144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the Lord's brain 24/7. And get this: YOU will be one of the 144,000! APRIL FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to earth in the form of a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell's Kitchen part of New York City, and we're all living in Paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no 144,000 saints who'll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week will be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new perk.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:

a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you're not greedy or grasping.

b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you've already achieved them.

c. Whatever you're longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It's not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.

d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn't foresee.

Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♌ LEO

(July 23-August 22)
Here are the five most popular fortunes in fortune cookies: 1. "Your present plans are going to succeed." 2. "Good news will come to you from far away." 3. "Now is the time to try something new." 4. "Your love life will be happy and harmonious." 5. "The next can of tuna fish you open will have a million-dollar diamond inside." All five of these fortunes happen to be accurate predictions for you in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future looks great, but not that great. At most, only three of those five fortunes will come true for you.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day. Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.

Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs.

Think of the last place on earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there.

Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.

Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire.

Fantasize you’re the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.

Meditate on how one of the symbols of plenitude in Nepal is a mongoose vomiting jewels.

Once a year on the night before your birthday, say these words into a mirror: “It’s bad luck to be superstitious.”

Start a club whose purpose is to produce an archive of controversial jokes and obscene limericks about beauty, truth, and love.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♍ VIRGO

(August 23-September 22)
One out of every 20 people claims to have talked to the devil personally. That statistic could change in the coming week, however, because I'm predicting that many of you Virgos will sit down for a heart-to-heart with the horned one. For most of you, furthermore, the conversation will go surprisingly well. You'll out-argue the devil, impressing him with your logic and winning him over with your charm, leading him to promise to dramatically reduce the number of insidious temptations he'll send your way in the future. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as the devil. But it is true that you're likely to triumph over evil in the coming week.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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I was never the class clown. I am not a troubled but devilishly handsome wastrel living on a trust fund. I've never beaten up anyone, have steadfastly not aspired to write like Raymond Carver, and have never played strip Scrabble with a celebrity junkie on a leaky waterbed in a Key West penthouse. There are so many things I am not and will never be, and I'm glad I know about them. It helps me stay focused on exactly who I am. What about you? Who aren't you? Fantasize about all the paths you will never take. Put it in writing.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♎ LIBRA

(September 23-October 22)
Your assignment is to precisely identify every last one of your complexes, syndromes, and maladies. Towards that end, buy a copy of the 943-page book Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and read it from beginning to end. APRIL FOOL! Don't you know me any better than that? I would NEVER encourage you to obsess on your pain. Here's your real horoscope: Start writing your own version of the book How We Choose to Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People. It's high time you learned how to work your ass off to feel really good.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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"Is it bad to live without a hell?" poet Pablo Neruda asks in The Book of Questions. Let's add these queries to his: Is it dangerous to live without an enemy? Is it naive to think you can achieve great success without the driving motivation that comes from having ideas you hate? There are thousands of correct answers to these questions. What are yours?

Consider the issue from another angle. Dentists love tooth decay. Treating cavities provides them with a steady source of income. Likewise, exterminators are dependent on termites, lawyers need crimes, and priests are hungry for sinners. Lots of people have symbiotic connections with nasty stuff. In fact, isn't it true that most of us nurture our feelings for the things we love to despise and fear?

What's your favorite poison or adversary? Assume that your exposure to pronoia is changing you in ways that will require you to update your relationship with it. Speculate on how you'll go about this task.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♏ SCORPIO

(October 23-November 21)
Not to be confused with Alzheimer's, "Alt.heimer's" is a term that the Slang Dictionary defines as "a condition afflicting chronic hipsters who can no longer recall if they like something genuinely or ironically. Example: 'As Ron stared at the hideous leather pants and retro Star Wars sheets he'd just purchased, he realized his Alt.heimer's was advancing with terrifying speed.'" I bring this up, Scorpio, because you urgently need to determine whether you're infected with Alt.heimer's. APRIL FOOL! You don't have Alt.heimer's. But it is crucial that you take inventory of what things you genuinely like and what things you merely like ironically.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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The factor most likely to drive us to addiction or illness is a lack of intimate contact with spirit. We all need a daily dose of vastness. Paradoxically, many of us would also benefit from more microscopic vision. Because we're so deprived of divine connection, we're half-dreaming all the time; our unconscious yearning for our eternal source makes our minds wander and saps our energy to dig in and master the gritty details that are right in front of us.

Practice seeing the little things. Gather glimpses of colors, shapes, tones, and shifts you usually ignore.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♐ SAGITTARIUS

(November 22-December 21)
This week's mind-over-matter horoscope features the words of three notorious New Age flakes, philosopher William James, essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Albert Einstein. First, James: "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes." Emerson: "Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a person thinks, he is free." Einstein: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." APRIL FOOL! James, Emerson, and Einstein were NOT New Age flakes. They simply had some ideas that were similar to New Age flakes. So don't dismiss their advice, especially now, when you can accomplish miracles by acting as if you have a potent role in creating your own reality.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Don't make nasty comments about yourself behind your own back.

Do play soccer in bunny slippers at dawn in a supermarket parking lot with a gang of sadomasochistic stockbrokers who've promised to teach you the Balinese monkey chant.

Don't decorate your thigh with a sloppy tattoo of the devil pushing a lawn mower.

Do wear a t-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Don't glide into a bar, scout around for the person whose face has the most pain etched in it, and ask that person to come home with you.

Do eat ripe organic strawberries that have been genetically modified and irradiated, and do chain-smoke Marlboros as you peddle your exercise bicycle, and do wander through a garbage dump while listening to Mozart on your iPod.

Don't get hooked on the fantasy that there are only two kinds of people, those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness.

Do start an organization called POMP (Proud Owners of Multiple Personalities), dedicated to erasing negative stereotypes about healthy non-schizophrenics who enjoy being a community of many different selves.

Don't lie on a floor surrounded by wine-stained poetry books, crumpled Matisse prints, abandoned underwear, and half-eaten bowls of corn flakes as you stare up at the ceiling with a mad gaze, muttering gibberish and waving your hands as if swatting away demons.

Do run along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an erupting volcano, into which you drop the Buns of Steel video.

Don't put your soul up for auction on the eBay website.

Do write a cookbook filled with recipes you've channeled from dead celebrities.

If you come upon a lamp with a genie in it, don't wish you had a magic wand.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♑ CAPRICORN

(December 22-January 19)
Wealthy women in ancient Rome often filled their baths with perfumed swan fat and donkey milk. It would make perfect astrological sense if you did the same thing. The omens suggest that you should borrow old customs to enhance your health and appearance. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this is a good time to upgrade your health and appearance, there are better ways to do so than with swan fat and donkey milk. However, those two exotic substances are symbolically apt. You should cultivate influences that will enhance your grace and beauty as well as your stubborn strength and dogged persistence.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Every fundamentalist divides the world into two camps, those who agree with him and like him and help him, and those who don't. There is only one right way to interpret the world—according to the ideas the fundamentalist believes to be true—and a million wrong ways.

The fundamental attitude of all fundamentalists is to take everything way too seriously and too personally and too literally. Imagination is a sin and a crime. Correct belief is the only virtue. Every fundamentalist is committed to waging war against the imagination unless the imagination is enslaved to his or her belief system.

And here's the bad news: Like almost everyone in the world, each of us has our own share of the fundamentalist virus. It may not be as dangerous to the collective welfare as, say, the fundamentalism of Islamic terrorists or Christian politicians or CEOs who act as if making a financial profit is the supreme good or scientists who deny the existence of the 96 percent of reality imperceptible to the five senses. Our fundamentalism is not as virulent as theirs.

But still: We are infected, you and I, with fundamentalism. What are we going to do about it?

I say we practice taking everything less seriously and less personally and less literally.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♒ AQUARIUS

(January 20- February 18)
On the caloric energy provided by just one 12-ounce bag of potato chips, you can think 550 thoughts, at least 10 percent of them good ones. That's why I urge you to devour one such bag every day this week. The omens suggest that your brain is aching to churn out an explosion of big, fat thoughts. APRIL FOOL! Your brain will generate a multitude of ideas (at least 40 percent of them good ones) even if you dine on nothing but carrot juice and salad. You're in the phase of your astrological cycle when your mind is magically hyperactive. You don't need potato chips to be smart.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Every act of genius, Carl Jung said, is an act contra naturam: against nature. Indeed, every effort to achieve psychological integration and union with the divine requires a knack for working against the grain. The 18th-century mystic Jacob Boehme recommended the same technique. The great secret to becoming enlightened, he said, is "to walk in all things contrary to the world." Qabalist teacher Paul Foster Case agreed: "The basis of the spiritual approach to life, the foundation of the everyday practice of a person who lives the life of obedience to esoteric law, is the reversal of the more usual ways of thinking, speaking and doing."

Name the ways you already use this approach, and brainstorm about others you might like to try.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

♓ PISCES

(February 19-March 20)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead possums. The flight attendant stops her and says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, there's only one carrion allowed per passenger." APRIL FOOL! The preceding passage wasn't your real horoscope, but rather a Zen koan designed to scramble your brain so that you'd be receptive to your real horoscope, which goes as follows: Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold, so they lit a fire right there. The boat sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2007. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long. A new short-range forecast for this week is also available.

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Life is a vast and intricate conspiracy designed to keep us well supplied with blessings. What kind of blessings? Palatial homes, attractive lovers, lottery winnings, career success? Maybe. But just as likely: interesting surprises, unexpected challenges, gifts we hardly know what to do with, conundrums that force us to get smarter.

Novelist William Vollman referred to the latter types of blessings when he said that "the most important and enjoyable thing in life is doing something that's a complicated, tricky problem for you that you don't know how to solve."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

© Rob Brezsny 1995-2019