When I was in my twenties, I refused to work for a living because I wanted to live for a living. As a result, I got an extended opportunity to perfect the art of cheerful poverty. One winter, while staying in a ramshackle cottage in North Carolina, my cash reserves got so low that I had to leap to a new level. For meals, I exuberantly retrieved discarded food from dumpsters behind grocery stores. For heat, I gleefully smashed up my wooden furniture with a hammer and threw it in my wood stove. I was the happiest person alive, with lots of leisure time to meditate, read books, write poetry, take long walks, and make love with my girlfriends. Be inspired by my example, Aries. Identify some aspect of your life you tend to regard as inadequate or insufficient, and redefine it to be an asset.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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When you're an aspiring master of pronoia, you see the cracks in the facades as opportunities; inspiration erupts as you careen over bumps in the road; you love the enticing magic that flows from situations that other people regard as rough or crooked. "That which is not slightly distorted lacks sensible appeal," wrote poet Charles Baudelaire, "from which it follows that irregularity—that is to say, the unexpected, surprise and astonishment—is an essential part and characteristic of beauty."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

"Courage is not the abnormal," wrote poet Jack Gilbert. "Not the marvelous act. Not Macbeth with fine speeches. It is the thing steady and clear. The marriage, not the month's rapture. The beauty that is of many days. The normal excellence, of long accomplishment. Not the Prodigal Son, but Penelope." Gilbert's words are my gift to you, brave Taurus. Of all the signs, you best express the virtue of steady devotion to the demanding challenges of beauty and truth. In the coming week, I predict that you will dramatically prove how miraculous that quality can be.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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It's time for the Gratitude Fest. Write thank-you notes to the creatures, both human and otherwise, that have played seminal roles in inspiring you to become yourself. Who have been your guides along the way, both the purposeful teachers and the inadvertent helpers? Who has seen you for who you really are? Who has nudged you in the direction of your fuller destiny and awakened you to your signature truths? Who has loved you very, very well?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

You're a little off-kilter and out-of-whack these days, Gemini. Don't worry about it. It's a natural response to recent plot twists. Fortunately, there is a medicine you can get that will fix you up pretty quickly. All you have to do is spend quality time in nature. One long hike should be enough, though to be absolutely sure you flush the psychic parasites that have been messing with you, two long hikes would be better. To aid in the exorcism and healing, I suggest that you also sing songs and shout out crazy ideas while wandering in the great outdoors. And if you can't escape to the wild places, at least have a picnic in a park.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day.
Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.
Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs.
Think of the last place on earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there.
Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.
Track down people who are impossible to love, and love them defiantly without expecting anything in return.
Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire.
Fantasize you're the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.
Once a year, say these words into a mirror: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Columnist Jon Carroll once listed the 100 best human artifacts. They included things like clocks, screwdrivers, shoelaces, and Band-aids. But in your horoscope this week, I especially want to call your attention to the following items from his master list: pillows, mirrors, balls, masks, swings, lipstick, stirrups, playing cards, and pear nectar. There's a good chance that these best-ever creations will be featured in the effervescent adventurers you'll soon have. Or at least they should be featured.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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You're a star—and so am I. I'm a genius—and so are you. Your success encourages my brilliance, and my charisma enhances your power. Your victory doesn't require my defeat, and vice versa. Those are the rules in the New World—quite unlike the rules in the Old World, where zero-sum games are the norm, and only one of us can win each time we play. In the New World, you don't have to play down or apologize for your prowess, because you love it when other people shine. You exult in your own excellence without regarding it as a sign of inherent superiority. As you ripen more and more of your latent aptitude, you inspire the rest of us to claim our own idiosyncratic magnificence.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

I suggest you make yourself alert for the return of at least one blast from the past. You may receive a communiqué from a forgotten sanctuary. A treasure that slipped from your grasp ages ago may become available again, especially if you pay close attention to borders and anomalies. Missing links may wander back in your direction, and old clues you haven't thought of in many moons might put you hot on the trail of a smoldering mystery you've been neglecting to investigate.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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"If you bring forth the genius within you," said Jesus in the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, "it will free you. If you do not bring forth the genius within you, it will destroy you." Is there any aspect of the genius within you that you're not bringing forth? If so, what can you do to change that?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

In a number of indigenous cultures, there's the tradition of the "joking relationship." Two members of an extended family, often a brother and sister-in-law, are expected to form a bond that revolves around them playfully teasing each other. If you don't have an ally like that in your life, Virgo, I urge you to get one. And if you already do have such a companion, raise your connection to an even higher level of loving mischief and jocular amusement. It'll keep you loose in just the right ways during the coming weeks and months.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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Life is a vast and intricate conspiracy designed to keep us well supplied with blessings. What kind of blessings? Palatial homes, attractive lovers, lottery winnings, career success? Maybe. But just as likely: interesting surprises, unexpected challenges, gifts we hardly know what to do with, conundrums that force us to get smarter. Novelist William Vollman referred to the latter types of blessings when he said that "the most important and enjoyable thing in life is doing something that's a complicated, tricky problem for you that you don't know how to solve."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

"The early bird may get the worm," says comedian Steven Wright, "but the second mouse gets the cheese." It's one of those times, Libra, when I advise you to be like that second mouse. A bit of procrastination will work in your favor. I want to offer some additional wisdom from Wright because his upside-down perspective is exactly what you need right now. (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (2) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (3) Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out exactly how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

"Dear Mr. Sensitive Astrologer: Let's get one thing straight. I don't want peace of mind! So stop trying to talk me into going after it! It's impossible to have it on this earth. Got that? And another thing. I don't care about your time-consuming emotional resolution stuff! I'm not interested in chasing after the unrealistic goal of being a nice person. I just want pure, raw, naked success--the kind of glory that makes me feel really proud of my powerful effect on people. That's it! So shape up and start giving me what I want in your little horrorscopes. -Truth-Telling Scorpio." Dear Truthy: I love to help my readers achieve glory that makes them feel proud of their powerful effect on the world. But in my opinion the best way to accomplish that is by cultivating peace of mind, emotional resolution, and kindness. By the way, it's now an excellent time to make great progress in this work.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence, hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heart—even as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

In the 18th century, the Bastille was a notorious French prison. Its squalor was perhaps less oppressive than other jails, however, because every inmate was supplied with three bottles of wine per day. Being so continuously intoxicated, few were inclined to attempt escape. I bring this to your attention, Sagittarius, in the hope that it will serve as a warning. You are, in my opinion, overdue to flee from your own personal version of imprisonment. But you'll be unlikely to do that if you're drunk or stoned or otherwise in the throes of an influence that keeps you foggy, distracted, or artificially satisfied. In the interests of liberation, please keep your senses honed and your awareness focused.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter. And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where it's impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be. That's why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.

Astrologer Caroline Casey offers an apt metaphor to illustrate how crucial it is for us to hear and read good stories. She notes that if we don't have enough of the normal, healthy kind of iodine in our bodies, we absorb radioactive iodine, which has entered the food chain through nuclear test explosions conducted in the atmosphere. Similarly, unless we fill ourselves up with stories that invigorate us, we're more susceptible to sopping up the poisonous, degenerative narratives.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Your theme in the coming days is enchantment on demand. You're in an aggressively elegant grace period--a time when you have the right to insist on being delighted. It's as if you've been granted a poetic license to ask for and receive not just any old mediocre pleasure, but rather intriguing, ennobling pleasure. So don't sit back and hope that sublime fun will accidentally come your way. Know that you have the authority to command its arrival front and center.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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With the authority vested in me by the little voice in my head, I'm pleased to give you permission to add another job title to your résumé: prophet.

Am I being ironic? Only partially. The truth is, you generate numerous predictions every day. The source is your imagination, which tirelessly churns out visions of what you'll be doing in the future. The featured oracle of the moment may be as simple as a psychic impression of yourself devouring a fudge brownie in an hour or as monumental as a fantasy of building your dream home in Hawaii.

Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned with your deepest desires. Indeed, it's an indispensable tool in creating the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests on the material plane unless it first exists as a mental picture.

But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing. You're just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at odds with your conscious values. Fearful fantasies regularly pop up, many disguising themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. They may hijack your psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in dead-end meditations.

Meanwhile, ill-suited longings are also lurking in your unconscious mind, impelling you to want things that aren't good for you and that you don't really need. Anytime you surrender to their allure, your imagination is practicing a form of black magic.

These are the imagination's unsavory aspects, which Zen Buddhists describe as the chatter of the "monkey mind." If you can stop locating your sense of self in the endless surge of its slapdash fantasies, only then might you be able to be here now and want what you actually have.

But whether your imagination is in service to your noble desires or in the thrall of compulsive fears and inappropriate yearnings, there is one commonality: Its prophecies can be pretty accurate. Many of your visions of the future do come to pass. The situations you expect to occur and the experiences you rehearse and dwell on are often reflected back to you as events that confirm your expectations.

Does that mean our mental projections create the future? Let's consider that possibility. What if it's at least partially true that what we expect will happen does tend to materialize? Here's the logical conclusion: It's downright stupid and self-destructive to keep infecting our imaginations with pictures of loss and failure, doom and gloom, fear and loathing. The far more sensible approach is to expect blessings.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

In American psychotherapy, the first question many practitioners ask their new clients is essentially, "What did your parents do to you to mess you up so badly?" One of my Japanese friends tells me that in his country, a therapist is more likely to ask, "What did your parents do for you? How did they nurture and support you?" Without dismissing the possibility that your mom and dad did inflict damage on you, Aquarius, I'd like you to concentrate on the Japanese-style inquiry for now. While you're at it, meditate on these themes as well: What are the best things that happened to you when you were growing up? What did your extended family and community give you that you've never fully appreciated?

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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Evil is boring. The universe is friendly. Life is on your side. Joy is your birthright.
Cynicism is idiotic. Fear is a bad habit. Despair is lazy. In fact, all of creation wants you to succeed.
Act as if the universe is a prodigious miracle created for your amusement and illumination. Assume that secret helpers are working behind the scenes to assist you in turning into the gorgeous masterpiece you were born to be. Retrain your senses and intellect so you're able to perceive the fact that life always gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Normal People Scare Me is the title of a documentary movie about high-functioning autistic people. It might also serve well as the title of your life story's current chapter. Ordinary everyday reality is your greatest enemy right now. It threatens to ensnare you in a numbing trance at the exact moment when you need to saunter off into the unknown. Habit and routine are exerting a seductive pressure that could distract you from the fascinating tests you really need to embrace. The ironic fact of the matter is that at least for the moment, you should be wary of your longing for security.

My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or mobile device.

My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on your destiny. They're three to four minutes long.

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If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:
     a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you're not greedy or grasping.
     b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you've already achieved them.
     c. Whatever you're longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It's not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.
     d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn't foresee.

     Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.