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Sex Tips for the Very Plain

Readin', Ritin', and Romance

The personal ads below have been scientifically designed by Rob Brezsny to attract potential partners who are committed to the art of compassionate lust and lusty compassion. If you're a SBM or a DWF or a WWW or an SAM or any other acronmyn who WLTM a soul mate, a play mate, or an inmate for a LTR or just one session of souless sex, you're invited to plagiarize these for your own use. Put 'em in your local newspaper! And let us know how it all comes out.

Crazy for Love
I am impossible to live with . . . but then isn't everyone? I will drive you crazy . . . but in the most interesting ways possible. You don't want to get mixed up with me . . . unless you love to have every one of your certainties challenged and unless you get horny in the face of unimaginable adventures and unless you're ready to never be bored again.

Raku Ruin
Do you have a dancer's body, a writer's mind, an artist's hands, and an underwear model's face? You're probably too slick for me. I'm a down-to-earth magician who loves gritty reality far more than glittery fantasies. Like the skilled Japanese pottery-makers whose work is valued for its trademark blemishes, I thrive on life's imperfections. I'll love you for who you are, not who you might be someday.

Oral Sex
Come into my Soul Kitchen, baby. Slink into my Big Yumyum and let me stoke your forbidden pleasures. I've got goodies for you, sweetheart. I've got got honey kisses and dazzle-nectar, ambrosial caresses and strawberry pancake breakfasts in bed, forever and ever, amen. Feel your mouth water? Feel your mind and heart unite in their craving for my delicious feast? Give in to the magic, sweetheart. Slip into my Soul Kitchen and let's fill each other up. Now please repeat after me: "All I want is everything." (P.S. Free jelly doughnuts to all comers.)

Sugar Daddy
I have everything you want and more, honey, so what the hell are you waiting for? Get your sweet ass over here and serenade me in intricate detail about just what a gorgeous, radiant creature I am. Knee pads will be provided, but keep in mind that I want a smart worshiper, not a robotic slave. In return, of course, I'll give you my heart of gold and an emotional life so rich you'll think you're a millionaire.

No. 9
My astrologer has informed me that the gods have finally lifted the hex that's kept me from giving and getting all the love I deserve. My karmic debts are all paid up, at least the romantic ones! So what do you say we celebrate? I'm no expert at guiltless fun, but I'm willing to learn at the hands of a master. If you smell good and know how to make love with your mind as well as your body, that's the only love spell I need.

Childs' Play
Fire-breathing Scorpio with voodoo-doll eyes and a talent for walking on the water seeks a sinner who's at least half as silky and slippery as me. I don't just want a lover, I want a partner in crime--preferably with no outstanding warrants and an elegant collection of sex toys. Good table manners definitely not important. My inner child wants to get into the best trouble possible with your inner child.

Performance Love
Taking long walks under the moonlight, sipping wine, and holding hands during candlelit dinners, listening to creamy love ballads in front of a roaring fire? Fuck that. Instead, let's scream '70s songs at the top of our lungs as we run down the middle of the street after midnight carrying a greased pig! Or let's go windsurfing off the coast of Madagascar and then get it on in a tidal pool downwind from a tribe of alligators! Or let's trade clothes and rollerblade out to the closest bridge for a no-holds-barred spitting-into-the-wind contest!

Masochist Seeks Sadist
I'm the one! Pick me for your mission impossible! I'm the one! Pick me to help you storm the kingdom of heaven! Everybody's somebody's fool; let me be yours! I have no shame and I want no limits! I give till it hurts and if you're smart you'll let me teach you how! So electrify me in a sanctuary! Amaze me in a labyrinth! Undress me on an altar! Engorge me in a waystation! And I'll resurrect you wherever you want!

High Wire Act
Undomesticatable Aries seeks lion-tamer or snake-charmer who doesn't mind getting bit once in a while. When I'm good, I'm very, very good. When I'm bad, I'm even better. Do you have the guts to love me like I need to be loved? I dare you to try to teach me to jump through flaming hoops. You never will, of course, but you'll have too much fun trying.

Gemini Juggler
Are you a liberal or conservative? A laugher or cryer? A licker or biter? I'm both. Always both and yet neither. I'm an atheistic lover of many gods. . . a sophisticate with toys in my bathtub . . . a genuine evil twin who loves to perform missions of mercy. Honey, I always prefer paper and plastic. In fact, there are so many sides to me that I often find I'm beside myself. Think you can handle having five lovers in one? Being monogamous with me is just like being totally promiscuous.

Zodiac Killer
We Virgos rarely brag--except when there's something we want. And I want you. So I'm going to tell you what my astrologer said, which is that we Virgos are the smartest lovers and sexiest geniuses in the entire zodiac. Now tell me about yourself. Are you a frequent bather with strawberry breath and jet pilot's eyes? Are you equally at home in silk and grunge, equally knowledgeable about El Greco and L7? Do you have a slow hand but fast fingers? Know lots of short cuts but have a long attention span? Then get over here now. I want to bite you with my wit.

Power Play
I've got the heart of a mountain-climber and the mind of an entrepreneur. You're a timeless beauty who thinks the most fun thing that two people can have together is to build things from the ground up. How about it: Want to work and play together? Want to share the spiritual joys of powerwalking, powershopping and powermongering? Let's gaze at the bottom line by day and oil up each other's charisma by night. Please: no dice-rollers, white liars, or compulsive jaywalkers. Must be willing to lose at chess.

Alien Amour
Disgruntled postal employee seeks zombie love slave or lonely bank teller to share erotic fantasies about IRS audits and root canals. Just kidding. Seriously, sweetheart, this high IQ space case is looking for a gorgeous alien life-form for exotic forms of togetherness like taking long walks on the astral plane, listening to self-help tapes by candle light, and having nutty conversations in which we don't know what we're talking about half the time. Do you have more money than me and act like a character in a Tom Robbins' novel? Then e-mail me a love letter ASAP. A plus if you grok the difference between the Grays and the Pleiadians.

Sink or Swim
Passionfish desperately yearns for heroic salmon or reformed piranha to swim upstream with. Now! And forever! Or whenever. I guess there's no rush. Call me when you get in the mood. Or I'll call you. Or whatever. Anyway. Please be moist and slippery and heavy into watersports. And please be ready to make radical mid-course corrections at a moment's notice. Big plus if you love deep-sea diving and don't drink like a fish.

No Bull
Seeking physically fit, financially stable, drug-free cutie who's eager to earn a Ph.D. in love under my skilled direction. A few months of hands-on experience at my night school and you'll be able to do the Vulcan mind-meld with your whole body. Mere orgasms will seem like kisses on the cheek compared with the cathartic epiphanies you'll master under my tutelage. You think I exaggerate? Baby, didn't you know that Taurus is the hype-free sign? Foreplay isn't a means to an end for me; it's a philosophy of life.

Web Master
I love architects who moonlight as exotic dancers. I adore vegetarians who sneak pork chops now and then. I lust after ex-druggies who get sober with the same fanatacism they once devoted to their addictions. Get the picture? Nothing and no one are what they seem, and that's how I like it. Scorpio's my name, transgression's my game. Play taboo with me and I'll titillate you with the surprises and disguises of your life. Is your mind my ultimate aphrodisiac? My mind is yours. Let's work our wiles on each other.

Perfect Flaws
Wise fool on a hill seeks like-minded cynical optimist for clowny adventures like falling down on the floor bellylaughing. Wouldn't mind if you were also into pursuing a high-profile career, international travel, fascinating friends, great vacations and frequent exchanges of piggyback rides. I'm definitely not looking for perfection. Have you ever considered the possibility that your flaws are interesting? Let me massage your booboos.

Fairy Tale Romance
Rumpelstiltskin seeks Puss in Boots for modern fairy tale with lucrative marketing potential. With me in your arms, baby, you never have to choose between business and pleasure. Stick with me and we'll peddle our love story to a top Hollywood screenwriter; we'll bottle our pheromones for a profitable perfume; hell, maybe we'll even sell Victoria's Secrets to North Korea. My last fortune cookie said "You need nothing and want everything."

Personality Plus
Me: Ex-everything Renaissance person who's perfected the high art of the permanent identity crisis. You: klutzy magician who's tired of searching for the meaning of life and is ready to find it fully embodied in my gorgeous personage. My attitudes and opinions change daily, so please don't try to nail me to the facts. If you're a relative of Mr. Spock looking for a perfectly logical orgasm, I'm definitely not your soulmate. I like to smoke while jogging, sip martinis with my brown rice, and skim Shakespeare while watching reruns of "Roseanne."

Captains of Industry
Modest genius with the potential to be a famous millionaire craves your skill in mixing business with pleasure. What makes your heart race faster--pulling off a killing in the market place or getting tangled up in black lace? Shhhh. Don't answer that yet. First tell me if you're addicted to peer pressure. Personally, I don't need to be hip and cool because I'm strong and smart. You, I hope, don't need to break the rules because you make the rules. We're both far from perfect, and that's the way we like it. Our vices are more useful than most people's virtues. Baby, let's rule the world together. I lust for your attention to detail. I await your fax.

Leftie Lust
My hottest romantic fantasy starts while we're off somewhere together saving the world. Maybe it's in Somalia or Appalachia. As I ladel out the lentil soup and rice to yet another starving soul, you look up from your Greenpeace manual with an expression of sizzling nonsexist lust. The rest is herstory. My second hottest fantasy begins as we're lying in our adjacent cots much later, our passions sated. You turn to me and whisper, "I wish everyone in the world could be like us and make love with their best friend." I sigh back, "Let's write a book about it."

Take me to Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Personals

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