The coming week will have something to offend and agitate everyone -- except you. Whines and moans and yelps will ring out across the land, even as you're emanating poise and aplomb. You may be tempted to brazenly exploit everyone's vulnerability and seize control of your corner of the world, but I think that would be shortsighted of you. A better strategy for capitalizing on your advantage would be to dole out large doses of mercy, making sure that the people who will be important to your future don't lose their way.

Need more whacks applied to your mental blocks? More caresses bestowed upon your growing edge? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Meditate naked under a waterfall.
Relive the last day of your childhood.
Sip the tears of someone you love.
Rebel against your horoscope.
Create a luxurious orphanage in Romania.
Pick blackberries in the rain.
Feel sorry for a devious lawyer.
See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer.
Give yourself another chance.
Dream of stealing the peaches of immortality from a dragon guarding Plato's cave.
Write a love letter to your evil twin during a lunar eclipse.
Sing the first song you ever heard.
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The preceding oracle comes from the revised and expanded edition of my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. You can order it at Amazon.