Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? Here's my answer: a plane ticket to an exotic playground where your mind will get blown and your emotions aired out and your instincts educated. Another gift I'd love you to have would be a pilgrimage to a spot where you lived once upon a time. There you could take advantage of Nelson Mandela's counsel: "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the early years of Christianity, there were hundreds of books interpreting the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. But by 325 A.D., a group backed by the political and military might of the Roman Empire had determined which few of the stories about Christ would thereafter be considered the canonical New Testament, and which would be regarded as heretical bilge.

No better evidence exists for the saying, "History is a tale told by the victors." Keep this in mind as you strategize your way through your personal War of the Stories. Your account of events may have more truth in it than everyone else's conflicting tales, but that won't carry much weight unless you obtain the power to enforce your version.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Taurus! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What item might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? I've decided on Winning With Integrity: Getting What You're Worth Without Selling Your Soul, a book by sports agent Leigh Steinberg. It'll help you be both smart and heartful as you navigate your way through the negotiations you'll be called on to do in the coming months. Here's a taste of Steinberg's advice. (1) Align yourself with people who share your values. (2) Learn all you can about the other party. (3) Create a climate of cooperation, not conflict. (4) Learn to listen. (5) Convince the other party you have an option, even if you don't.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Firenze Matisse traveled to Antarctica. On the first day, the guide took him and his group to a remote area and left them alone for an hour to commune with the pristine air and unearthly stillness. After a while, a penguin ambled up and launched into a ceremonial display of squawks and stretches. Firenze responded with recitals of his favorite memorized poems, imagining he was "engaged in a conversation with eternity." Halfway through his inspired performance of Thich Nhat Hanh's "Please Call Me by My True Names," the penguin sent a stream of green projectile vomit cascading against his chest, and shuffled away.

Though Firenze initially felt deflated by eternity's surprise, no harm was done. He soon came to see it as a first-class cosmic joke, and looked forward to exploiting its value as an amusing story with which to regale his friends back home.

Beauty and Truth Laboratory researcher Michael Logan was the first person to hear Firenze's tale upon his return from Antarctica. "You might want to consider this, Firenze," Michael mused after taking it all in. "Penguins nurture their offspring by chewing food—mixing it up with all God's enzymes—and then vomiting it into the mouths of the penguin babies. Perhaps you weren't the butt of a cosmic joke or some Linda Blair-esque bad review, but in fact the recipient of a very precious gift of love. Who knows?"

Now Firenze has two punch lines for his tale of redemptive pronoia.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Gemini! I've been thinking about the perfect holiday gift for you to give yourself. Considering the cosmic currents in 2007, what offering would be most appropriate? The answer is a magic mirror. Why? Because I think you should look at your reflection more often in the coming year. Gaze more deeply into your own eyes and try harder to find out who's really there inside you. Talk to yourself pointedly while you're in front of your magic mirror; ask yourself probing questions. And every now and then, press up close to your reflection for a kiss.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Quoting geneticists, Guy Murchie says we're all family. You have at least a million relatives as close as tenth cousin, and no one on Earth is any farther removed than your 50th cousin.

Murchie also describes our kinship through an analysis of how deeply we share the air. With each breath, you take into your body 10 sextillion atoms, and--owing to the wind's ceaseless circulation--over a year's time you have intimate relations with oxygen molecules exhaled by every person alive, as well as by everyone who ever lived. Right now you may be carrying atoms that were once inside the lungs of Malcolm X, Christopher Columbus, Joan of Arc, and Cleopatra.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Cancerian! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might put you in the right mood to deal proactively with potential problems in 2007? I've decided on a set of those specially-designed clothes-storage bags that allow you to suck all the air out, compressing your sweaters and pants so that they take up significantly less space in your luggage or closet. Hopefully these bags would inspire you to come up with creative applications of the "less is more" principle, which will be a recurring theme for you in the coming months.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
You're like an arrow in flight. You're a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. Have you ever mastered a second language? You resemble the time right before fluency arrives.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Leo! In 2007, I predict that you'll experience a metaphorical version of something that's rare in nature: a gentle birth. There'll be a big new addition to your life, in other words, and its arrival won't hurt a bit--may even feel downright ecstatic. Here's some more mysterious good news: In the coming months, you will have the power to learn from the moon, converse with the dead, and remember your ancient origins. And get this: The adventures that amuse you most could involve foam rubber, distant bells, smoke rising from manholes, plums from Damascus, and exotic trophies. One more thing, Leo: In 2007, brand new bedtime stories will be mandatory.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
At a concert in California, devotional singer Krishna Das told a story of escorting his revered teachers, a frail old Indian couple, to an acupuncturist in New York. They had to walk through a neighborhood dominated by strip clubs, prostitutes, and drug dealers. Every few feet, a new salesperson approached with an offer of crack, weed, crank, or sexual adventures.

Krishna Das worried about subjecting his beloved guides to such a degrading experience, but they were unfazed. "This is heaven," said the woman. When a surprised Krishna Das asked what she meant, she replied, "Heaven is any place where one's needs can be met."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Mytho-poetic scholars say that honey symbolizes emotional maturity. When it appears in your dreams or reveries, it may mean you're expanding your capacity to experience feelings that are positive and healthy for you. It suggests you're ready to shed distorted psychological patterns that you unwittingly absorbed as a child, and replace them with new imprints that are in harmony with your highest values. Since 2007 will bring opportunities for you to do these exact things, Virgo, I suggest that you give honey an honored place in your life. Maybe buy some of the best stuff on the market, put it in a fine decanter, and keep it on an altar in your bedroom. Happy Holy Daze!

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Scientists have confirmed what we all knew: You do indeed have a little voice in your head that warns you when you're about to do something dumb. It's called the anterior cingulate cortex, according to white-coated authorities at Carnegie-Mellon University. If you're receptive to it, it's as good as having a guardian angel.

"Don't do it," the voice whispers when you're on the verge of locking your keys in your car or leaving the bar with the cute drunk you just met. "Go back," it murmurs as you start to walk away from a huge, though initially inconvenient, opportunity.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Libra! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2007? I've decided on the book Power Unseen: How Microbes Rule the World. In it, author Bernard Dixon praises bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa. Without them, he says, we'd be nothing. They're instrumental in providing our food, purifying our drinking water, and processing our sewage. If you keep Power Unseen in a prominent place in your home during the coming months, it might constantly remind you to be reverent toward and grateful for the little things--which is exactly what the astrological omens suggest you should do. Maybe the book will also inspire you to be alert for invisible helpers and inconspicuous allies.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
More and more creative people find they do their best work when they're feeling healthy and secure. We know writers who no longer need to be drunk or in agony in order to shed the numbness of their daily routine and tap into the full powers of their imagination. We have filmmaker friends whose best work flows not from the depths of alienated self-doubt but rather from the heights of well-earned bliss. Singer-songwriter P.J. Harvey is the patron saint of this new breed. "When I'm contented, I'm more open to receiving a lot of inspiration," she has testified. "I'm most creative when I feel safe and happy."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Scorpio! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2007? I've decided on Elvis Presley's favorite midnight snack: a peanut butter and banana sandwich deep-fried in butter. Why? Because like the King, you should aggressively pursue the unique experiences that will reliably give you comfort and sustenance. Like the King, you should feel no guilt about doing unusual things that you know in your heart will help you perform at your best.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Go to the ugliest or most forlorn place you know--a drugstore parking lot, the front porch of a crack house, a toxic waste dump, or the place that symbolizes your secret shame--and build a shrine devoted to beauty, truth, and love.

Here are some suggestions about what to put in your shrine: a silk scarf; a smooth rock on which you've inscribed a haiku or joke with a felt-tip pen; coconut cookies or ginger candy; pumpkin seeds and an origami crane; a green kite shaped like a dragon; a music CD you love; a photo of your hero; a votive candle carved with your word of power; a rubber ducky; a bouquet of fresh beets; a print of Van Gogh's "Starry Night."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! My gift for you is the following oracle: A breakthrough you were blessed with in 1995 will be coming back around in 2007. How? Three possible ways: (1) You'll be inspired to make changes to whatever sprung from that original breakthrough 12 years ago. (2) You'll be visited by a new version of that breakthrough, on a higher octave this time. (3) You'll attempt a quantum leap that resembles the original, but happens in a different area of your life.

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
What causes happiness? Brainstorm at length about this question. Map out the foundations of your own personal science of happiness. Get serious about defining what makes you feel good. To get you started, I will list a few experiences that might possibly arouse your deepest gratification: physical pleasure; seeking the truth; being a good person; contemplating the meaning of life; enjoying the fruits of your accomplishments; escaping your routine; purging pent-up emotion. Do any of these work for you? Name at least ten more.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Capricorn! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2007? I've decided on Ed Anger's book Let's Pave the Stupid Rainforests & Give School Teachers Stun Guns. Not because I agree with his assertions, but simply because his outrageousness might push you to dream up wild solutions to your same old boring dilemmas; his rowdy spirit may fuel your own rebellious flights of imagination that will inspire you to fight back against the numbing insanity of the loony bin known as "reality."

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Late at night when there's no traffic, stride down the middle of an empty road that by day is crawling with cars. Dance, careen, and sing songs that fill you with pleasurable emotions. Splay your arms triumphantly as you extemporize prayers in which you make extravagant demands and promises. Give pet names to the trees you pass, declare your admiration for the workers who made the road, and celebrate your sovereignty over a territory that usually belongs to heavy machines and their operators.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

You should and could be the zodiac's premier networker in 2007. The connections you foster and the deals you broker can save the world--or at least your local segment of the world. In order to pull it all off with maximum effectiveness, you should also be the zodiac's premier fun-maker. Throw parties, tell jokes, and constantly invite people to play harder and take themselves less seriously. What can you do to prepare for this destiny? Start by getting yourself holiday gifts that will help you fulfill your assignments. How about installing a backyard water park, for instance? (Neiman-Marcus offers such a thing in its Christmas catalog.) Or about some comedy lessons from a person like the humor coach in the film Borat? Happy Holy Daze, Aquarius!

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The sage and her student were standing by a pool discussing longing and ambition.

"What do you want more than anything else?" the sage asked.

"To perfect my ability to love all of creation the way I love myself," the young man replied.

At that moment, the sage tackled the student and shoved his head beneath the water. Accustomed to letting his teacher shape the unpredictable contours of his education, he did not resist.

One minute went by. Then another. The student began to struggle and kick. His teacher was strong.

Finally she released her grip and the student surfaced, fighting for breath.

"What did you want more than anything else during these last few minutes?" the sage inquired.

"Nothing else was in my mind except the desire for air," gasped the student.

"Excellent," beamed the sage. "As soon as you are equally single-minded in your desire to perfect your ability to love all of creation the way you love yourself, you will achieve your goal."
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Holy Daze, Pisces! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic item might stimulate you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? I've decided on a ladder. This power object will signify two important themes for you: (1) Your potential to climb to a higher level of excellence and clout, giving you a more expansive view of your surroundings. (2) The need to make this ascent carefully and deliberately (not quickly and sloppily), with the aid of simple tools (not with the metaphorical equivalent of an elevator), and with trustworthy assistance (for example, with someone to hold the ladder steady).

This week my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES offer you a preview of the major themes you'll be working and playing with in 2007. Beginning December 26, I'll begin a three-part, three-week series in which I'll talk in-depth about your long-range forecast in the EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. Tune in!

*

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Astrologer Caroline Casey offers an apt metaphor to illustrate how crucial it is for us to hear and read good stories. She notes that if we don't have enough of the normal, healthy kind of iodine in our bodies, we absorb radioactive iodine, which has entered the food chain through nuclear test explosions conducted in the atmosphere. Similarly, unless we fill ourselves up with stories that invigorate us, we're more susceptible to sopping up the poisonous, degenerative narratives.
*
The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.