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Horoscopes for week of March 30, 2006

Verticle Oracle card Aries (March 21-April 19)
It would be a great time to launch several new ventures all at once, even if it means abandoning an old project you've been working on for months. APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare do what I just suggested. The future won't thrive unless you lavish the past with the gift of your careful attention. Please please please put the finishing touches on a labor of love you've been working on for months--and then start new projects.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. The vast majority of everything is working with breathtaking efficiency and consistency. You would clearly be deluded to imagine that life is primarily an ordeal.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Does the curse "goddamn it" fly out of your mouth every time you stub your toe or misplace your keys? Do you know the brand names of ten different beers but have trouble remembering any of the Ten Commandments? Do you sometimes undress people in your imagination without their permission? If so, says the Weekly World News, you're going to hell when you die many years from now. There is, however, a tiny chance you can begin some atonement now that will cancel out the karma from the above-named sins and stave off eternal damnation. APRIL FOOL! The acts I named aren't sins, and besides, there's no such thing as hell. However, it's true that this is a good time to seek forgiveness and try to correct old mistakes.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week. *

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Push hard to get better, become smarter, grow your devotion to the truth, fuel your commitment to beauty, refine your emotional intelligence, hone your dreams, negotiate with your shadow, cure your ignorance, shed your pettiness, heighten your drive to look for the best in people, and soften your heartóeven as you always accept yourself for exactly who you are with all of your so-called imperfections.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The number 6714 has always been devoid of any cosmic significance for you. It has failed to be involved with a single stroke of good fortune. But now it has burst into your life to serve as your lucky number--an omen of abundance, grace, and success. Your assignment: Make prodigious use of 6714. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as a lucky number, except in the sense that all numbers are lucky numbers for those people who believe they are lucky. Your real assignment is this, Gemini: Find a way to believe in your heart that for you, all numbers are lucky.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Try this meditation: Imagine that you are both the wood and the fire that consumes the wood. When you focus your awareness on the part of you that is the wood, you hurt; itís painful to feel your sense of solidity disintegrating. But as you shift your attention to the part of you that is the fire, you exult in the wild joy of liberation and power. It may be tempting to visualize yourself more as the fire than the wood. But if youíd like to understand pronoia in its fullness, youíve got to be both wood and fire simultaneously.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Watch out for fake pizza-delivery drivers who're actually trying to issue you a subpoena. Be careful you don't see a blood red sky at dusk, in case it's a bad omen predicting the outbreak of tribulations. Beware of the possibility that a large bird carrying a turtle to its nest accidentally drops its prey on your head from a great height. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, my fellow Cancerian, this should be one of the most worry-free weeks in the history of your life. You're welcome, of course, to dream up a host of scary fantasies if you find that entertaining, but I can practically guarantee that they'll all be illusory.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.


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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter. And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where itís impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be. Thatís why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Leo (July 23-August 22)
I'm reasonably certain that a supermodel wearing antlers and clown face paint will soon offer you $10,000 for the right to spank you on national TV. It'll be that kind of week, Leo: a time when opportunities will come your way cloaked in seemingly absurd circumstances. You might also expect that a homeless person with the flu will offer to lead you to a dumpster in which there's a suitcase containing a priceless 2,500-year-old archaeological artifact. APRIL FOOL! It's true that this week will bring more opportunities than usual, and they'll probably all have some odd twist--but not quite that odd.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Scientists have confirmed what we all knew: You do indeed have a little voice in your head that warns you when youíre about to do something dumb. Itís called the anterior cingulate cortex, according to white-coated authorities at Carnegie-Mellon University. If youíre receptive to it, itís as good as having a guardian angel. "Donít do it," the voice whispers when youíre on the verge of locking your keys in your car or leaving the bar with the cute drunk you just met. "Go back," it murmurs as you start to walk away from a huge, though initially inconvenient, opportunity.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Virgo (August 23-September 22)
This is a perfect astrological moment to recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel using Play-Doh as your raw material. It's also a good time to learn to play Mozart's Magic Flute on the kazoo, produce an abridged, 1,000-word version of James Joyce's Ulysses, or build a miniature model of the Sphinx using toothpicks and rubber bands. APRIL FOOL! Doing any of the things I just described would be a silly waste of time and energy. Please find projects that are truly worthy of your creativity, which is overflowing right now.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "He who is in love is wise and becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses."
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: "Love, love, love: That is the soul of genius."
Krishnamurti: "The problem, if you love it, is as beautiful as the sunset."
Henry David Thoreau: "There is no remedy for love but to love more."
Erica Jong: "Love is everything itís cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you donít risk everything, you risk even more."

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Libra (September 23-October 22)
Astronomers estimate that about 8,500 stars are visible to the naked eye. Half of them are always below the horizon and therefore out of sight. Since most of us live amidst the light pollution of cities, the number of stars we can actually see is further reduced to about 2,500. Your assignment this week, Libra, is to go outside on a clear, moonless night and make a wish on 1,000 of those stars. It's the Wishing Season. Go wild. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this is the Wishing Season, it would be a poor use of your energy to dilute your longing in such a scattershot manner. Instead, choose just one of the visible stars and beam your most important heart's desire in its direction.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show." So begins Charles Dickensí novel David Copperfield. Buy a blank book and write that sentence at the top of page one.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Due to a special dispensation from the cosmic powers-that-be, you have been authorized to basically just sit around and do nothing this week. Are you ready to enjoy the pleasures of laziness and dissipation, Scorpio? Do you feel overdue for an extended phase of vegging out? You can do so without incurring even a pinch of karmic debt. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you now have so much physical energy and emotional stamina that you can be three times as intense as you've ever been before. That's a good thing, since the universe will be working you three times as hard as usual.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Celebrate Unhappy Hour at least once a month. During this ritual blowout, you have license to complain and rant about everything that's driving you crazy. Get a sympathetic listener to be your receptacle or deliver your blast straight into the mirror. If you prefer, write it all down. One way or another, grouse nonstop about your secret shame, raw sorrow, unspeakable guilt, and unnerving twists of destiny. Feel free to unleash guttural moans or rueful cackles. If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins. Pronoia will then have a chance to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
"I always advise people never to give advice," said P.G. Wodehouse. Having seen the wisdom of his counsel, I will from now on fill your horoscopes with poetic and philosophical ruminations about your destiny, but I will never again give advice. There are enough people in this world telling you what you should do. I pledge to make this space your sanctuary. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, dispensing advice is in my genes. For me to repress it would be like asking Howard Stern to stop being vulgar. Now here's my advice for you: Identify a natural talent that you were born to express. Then take one practical step to bring it into a fuller flowering.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Congratulations. Every cell in your perfect animal body is beginning to purr with luminous gratitude for the enormity of the riches you endlessly receive. You are becoming aware that each of your heartís beats originates as a gift of love directly from the Goddess herself. Any residues of hatred that had been tainting your libido are leaving you for good. You are becoming telepathically linked to the worldís entire host of secret teachers, pacifist warriors, philosopher clowns, and bodhisattvas disguised as convenience store clerks.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The still, small voice within you usually just provides you vague platitudes about how to be a better citizen. But in the coming days, it will offer you truly useful information that could help you become richer, sexier, more popular, and more powerful. It may even give you the winning numbers of the lottery. Make damn sure you tune in. APRIL FOOL! The still, small voice within you does not just provide vague platitudes about how to be a better citizen. If you believe that, you're listening to the wrong still, small voice. In fact, the real one is always overflowing with extremely practical information about how to run your day-to-day life in a way that's fun and meaningful. Listen harder and faster than usual, please.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
"The task of genius, and humanity is nothing if not genius, is to keep the miracle alive, to live always in the miracle, to make the miracle more and more miraculous, to swear allegiance to nothing, but live only miraculously, think only miraculously, die miraculously." óHenry Miller

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
This would be an excellent week to profit by spreading deception and misinformation, Aquarius. Your skills as a liar are at a peak. The more falsehoods you concoct, the more successful you will be. APRIL FOOL! It's true that you could achieve illusory progress with the help of deceit. But that progress would soon lead you into a morass that would sap your energy. Besides, the ironic fact of the matter is that you now have the capacity to tell the truth with more clarity and gusto than you ever have before. To take advantage of that potential will bring you surprising rewards in the long run, even if they may require short-term sacrifices.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
We will ignore the cult of doom and gloom and embrace the cause of zoom and boom. We will laugh at the stupidity of evil and hate, and summon the brilliance to praise and create. No matter how upside-down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: Life is crazily in love with usówildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 18)
It's high time for you to spend more money, Pisces. You're lagging way behind in your purchase of the goods and services you desperately need. Not only that: You've been lax in getting yourself the profound healing that can only come from shopping therapy. Get out there and splurge! Your role model is the Pentagon, which shells out an average of $8,612 per second. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding. The truth is that it makes sense for you to spend more money on only one thing: experiences that will help you get better at performing a beloved skill that will fuel many future adventures.


For more clues and insights, listen to my three-part, IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECASTS for your life in 2006, as well as your forecast for the coming week.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Pronoia means that even if we canít see and donít know, primal benefactors are plotting to emancipate us. The winds and tides are on our side, forever and ever, amen. The fire and rain are scheming to steal our pain. The sun and moon know our real names, and the animals pray for us while weíre dreaming. Do you believe in guardian angels and divine helpers? Whether you do or not, theyíre always wangling to give you the gifts you donít even realize you want. Can you guess how many humble humans are busy making things for you to use and enjoy?

The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Powells.



 
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